wow, its been here for a while. My age, eighteen, but you know what? It really didn't kick in until recently. Today I got my permit!!!!!!! yaaaaay! lol, figures I should have my friggin driver's license by now, but due to transportation and other issues I haven't been able to do so in the past 3 years! lol.
Have you ever looked around one day, just looked around and thought how unbelievable life can be? Or just the fact that you look around, you realize so many things when your brain is quiet and only thinking about one thing...Life is so stressful everyday, you come home, you do the same thing, and it becomes a habit, until pretty soon, you don't stop at all you just keep going and going and going, because that's how it is now and days. But when you stop and take a good look around you, and think about how much has changed, how the past was, you realize that time is so valuable, so good that it only lasts a split second, you know what I mean? Good things only last a short amount of time, and that's how valuable time is, it only lasts a second. But how can a person really appreciate time? I mean, do you go out and make a shrine with father time in your room? Of course not, all you need to do, is look around you sometimes, not everyday, not every week, not every month, but just...sometimes...and you will realize how much time has gone by...its scary isn't it?
God I feel so repetitive sometimes, I talk about life, my mom, school, my dad, my baby, my sisters, but I mean those are really the only thoughts that inspire me to write. I mean the days that I feel like posting on my blog, circulate everytime, its like a spin cycle, and suprisingly I come up with something new to say about each subject every time. Life...as I was doing my "stop to appreciate time" shit, I was thinking about the shower. A simple shower...I was remembering when my dad, ayde, and I used to live in Springfield after we moved out of Moline place we moved to this indian ladies house. She lived upstairs, and I remember the bathroom she gave us...I remember, some months the shower would only spew out droplets of water, like little rain drops, and I took a shower in that, I remember the little droplets would get scorching hot, and I would have to stop taking a shower. And I remember the day they fixed it, I got so excited when the shower came on, it was at full blast! And now I look at the bathroom here, it has a nice little tub, and a shower that works perfectly and I just can't believe how much time has passed. You know I have to say, no matter how much shit life has put me through, no matter the things I've seen or people I've had to deal with, I thank God it has happened, because I would be a different person right now... I do though wish that things would have been different with my mom, I mean...I just wanna taste it, a little taste of what its like to have a normal mom...Even now its hard to say that she still hasn't changed, and I wanted so bad to make myself believe that she had, just so that she could come over here, but she still does need help, and I'm not sure what would be better for her. Her parents, who made her that way, or seeing the man she loves with another woman, either way...what is she to do you know? I don't know if I have said this before, but putting myself in her shoes, she's almost 50 if not already 50. No husband, no career, no life, her kids are far awar from her, I mean...how strong can a person really be? It bothers greatly, it makes me irritated all over to know that she is like that, to try and forgive her for the things she has done to me and my sisters. It bothers me to think that, if she comes back here, she will be the same again...But there is a hole in my life, and I know my mom is part of that hole, everything feels so incomplete...But if life says to be patient, I will try my hardest to catch every inch of hope I have left, because I want to complete that hole, I need to...
