Handle With Care

Why do I feel as if my life is so fragile right now as if I'm so weak? I'm not in the greatest of times, usually I'm not, but lately I haven't been as strong as I had hoped I would be. I don't know why whenever I become happy, whenever I become strong, and I feel so confident that I can do anything, something always has to bring me down to a complete stop. It could be nothing or something, and I don't know why it happens. Every night I talk to my baby, every night I tell her what's on my mind, last night I told her about my past. Some things are so hard to say, even when someone already knows what they are, or you just don't want to let anyone know. I talked to her about the past, the present, and the future and I realized that throughout my life there has always been something missing, I have no idea what it is, but I feel it, and for some reason lately I've been feeling nervous about the future.
I just talked to my mom on the phone. I figured maybe it would sprout some comfort into me to talk to her. But I can't hear her like that, sometimes it makes me so angry, so uncomfortable, to hear her act the way she does. I say hi, she says hi, and then she gives me lectures about how I should be careful when I swim in the water, I tell her I know that mom (weird way of starting a conversation), and she says, "yea I know and then your Tia was on the phone too". And it hurts to hear that, to hear that her disease still dwells in her mind, it hurts to think that my mother will not be coming back, and I don't mean just physically. I could cry and cry about everything, but I've grown weary from crying, my eyes are forever soaked in salt water from a non-existent ocean in my body.
I thought about my elementary school years, when none of the kids liked me, when I used to cry every night because I had no friends, and I remembered that I told no one. I hide everything inside me with laughter, I hide my whole world inside my heart, and sometimes it consumes me, it doesn't let me grow. I remember even as a kid I used to think about everything, I remember when all those teachers thought I was crazy, and every year in school they would bother me with their tests. I wondered why nobody liked me in school, I never knew why, I figured these kids are too young to dislike anyone right? But wrong, every time I would talk to anyone or act happy or join a group every kid there would look down at me, I would speak to one of them and they would act as if I was not there, I felt so alone, and I could never understand what was so wrong with me that made these kids disgusted of me...So I would come home, and I loved it because finally I would be alone and able to play my games, believe or not I used to play so much because when I played my games I would forget about everything around me, and I would just soak in games. I remember when we moved to centreville and I got my first friend, he loved video games too, he dealt with my moms craziness, he dealt with mine. After he left I never thought I would be able to have a friend like that again.

So why must I go down so harshly, I tell myself everytime I need to lift myself up again, rotting inside my room everyday is not good for me or my health. But I need to find that determination again, because right now I feel lost, and i'm tired of being so lost and so confused, I'm tired of it, its so exhausting to hear yourself think constantly about your whole life, I just want to be like I am when I play games, or talk with my sisters and my baby, I want to laugh all the time and enjoy my life, maybe that's why I've always hated being alone yet I accept it so easily. Just remember I love you all, and I hope that one day I can tame my own madness and just try to live instead of dreading the idea of an unhappy one. But words are words, but what's an action without a word right?

weeks to come and go.

Its been so long since I've sat down and thought about just everything around me again. And its wierd, when you sit in silence look at pictures of the world, the news, or anything, it seems to mean more then if there is someone explaining these pictures to you as you see them. The world is getting crazier every year. Worse? Not exactly, its always been bad, its just with new technologies, we see more of the world then we ever have before, and finally people are starting to realize that the world is not safe as it looks. I've heard the stories of the shooter in Virginia. It makes me wonder about the theory that a silent person has so much to say. If you see or have met a somewhat silent person in your life you never think that they might be a serial killer or a genius you just think they are weird or don't like to talk. I also wonder why has this generation seen so much despair and war, so much that everyone young person you talk to you in unaffected by the fact that war might be dangerous and that people die everyday in Iraq. My question is, will my children know what it truly means to have a person die? What will they think of us in the future? If things get better then they will read about how we were and realize that something wasn't right, that the world we were living in was giving us too much pressure and we all just snapped. But if things get worse in the future? I just hope that one day, we all have to realize we all take death so lightly. We see it everyday now, Iraq, Virginia Tech, other school shootings, everything you see around you is death and death and death, there is no stopping the media from numbing the idea into your head. Until of course it hits close to home, by then we can only realize what has been going on. To tell you the truth I am scared as to what the future will hold for us if we keep doing what we are doing in this world. But of course everything happens for a reason, holocausts, civil wars, war, people killing other people, it just disgusts me to see people dying over other peoples problems...

Daniella stuffing her face lol

Vanessa feeling stuffed after eating the food.

Caroline acting innocent "who me"? lol

People outside

More people eating dad's yummy ass food!

Tyler soaked in juice lol

Daniella saying, wth is this? lol

Indeed it is lol

I have to admit, after those 2 weeks in TN i knew in the back of my head that when I came back to VA that I would be doing alot more work than I ever did. And to tell you the truth, I actually want to do it... When i come back from work ever so exhausted from lifting 400 pound furniture and shit all day, I sit in front of my computer, talk to my beautiful until I pass out at night. But before I sleep at night, I think to myself, so far so good mike, you gotta keep going man, no one else will do this for you, you gotta do this for your own good and for the rest of your life to be happy, you just need to sacrifice these next few years. Yea its hard, but we live in The United States of America, a country that even though has many greedy politicians, the people that live in it maybe be rude, but damn we work hard to get what we have. And I respect this country for that, many other countries take breaks during the day just to have lunch or church but this countries people keep going, every single day we keep going. Some people live off the government unfortunately, but too bad for them they don't get to be part of the truly hard working people. I know this is only the beginning of a very long process of getting things done. At least inside me I have this fire to achieve many things, I hope it never extinguishes because I need it.

Work has been crazy, but they are defintely working with me with my schedule. Just yesterday they told me to come in whenever I wanted to, I was like well hell, that's an hourly paid workers dream lol. I just hope that it lasts.
My dad also wants another job, :( I know its good for money and stuff like that, but at the same time I don't want him to kill himself even more then he already is. Right now he has one job and comes home dead tired, I dont' know how in the world he'll be able to handle two jobs. And plus, I won't see my mustache all day long and that just depresses me.
April so far is pretty crazy, and April 3rd Daniella's b-day by the way lol. The little fatty is turning one today. by the way here are some pictures.