Dad

I look at him and I wonder what he thinks about. Even though I barely talk to him during the day I am worried about him. Constantly watching tv, arguing with ayde, getting angry at the kids, and of course getting stressed out. And unfortunately for me, when he gets stressed out he likes to take it out on me for some reason, I guess it makes him feel better, but I hope he realizes it just hurts me. I'm trying to hear, I hope you do good in school mike, or congrats on getting into nova or i'm glad you didn't give up...But instead he constantly tells me i need a new job and yells at me for not cleaning my room, thats why i always close my door, cuz whenever i try to say hi to him the first he does and tells me to clean my room and blah blah blah blah. all day everyday, but i know deep inside he is worried about something. I know my dad, I've lived with him for almost 20 years, its too bad that during those 20 years I haven't had the chance to develop a friend type relationship with him. I mean I try to sometimes and it never works, I mean I try to talk to him but either he doesn't listen to me or he just spaces out. Maybe that's why I just stopped trying. But though I did, I'm still worried about him, for some reason he doesn't look happy, and that troubles me. It bothers me every minute thinking my dad is unhappy, i'm sure the fact that ayde is prego doesn't help the situation, it must really be getting to him. I truly hope he is ok, I wish he could tell me what was wrong, I wish I could ask him without getting a stupid comment like Mike your crazy you don't know what your talking about. But he's my dad, and unfortunately I really thought that maybe one day I would be able to warm up to ayde. But as days go by I seem to hate her more and more and more. She wants another kid and she can't even take care of the ones she has now. At night my dad is the one that has to wake up to feed daniella or help gabriel fall back asleep, when my dad has to wake up at 4:30 am to go to work. Its not fair, and she thinks its a fucking joke, she laughs everytime someone asks her, so what are you gonna do now? And she makes a stupid ass comment, trying to be a smart ass. I'm so sick of this, I really am. I'm trying so hard to focus on other things, but I have to see both of them like this every fucking day and it really urks me. Especially when my dad takes it out on me and I know its not me, he's worried about something else when he does that. And its worse that I dont know what to do about it, I mean really what can I do? All I can do is watch them, observe them, listen to them, like I've been doing for so long. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish that ayde was a "normal" version of my mom. and I thought i could cope with the fact that my dad found a new woman, but I can't, because she is a bitch, she is nothing but a fucking bitch and I can't stand her anymore, I really fucking can't...And she's trying to use me as her little pawn also, trying to make me drive her to maryland, the store, take care of the kids. I mean fine the store, i'll help you out, but when you want me to wake up at 4 in the morning just to take you to a pathetic stupid ass job that you barely make money in, hell fucking no, and she knows i need to go to school...i could stand her when she wasn't trying to constantly annoy me, but now she is pissing me off, and this baby thing is just making it worse. And through all of this I see Daniella, and Gabriel...Both so young and have no idea what is going on...and the fact that ayde and my dad do not truly love each other is a serious factor that will affect these kids lives in the future and i hope someone realizes that...but once again...what can i do? I can't drag her away, i can't force my dad to find someone else, i can't support those kids myself, so what the fuck can i do? All i can do is hope, hope that soon, things will look better, because for a while they haven't been looking so good.
And damn it I miss my dad, I miss spending time with him, I miss being his sidekick, it feels like its over now, and I just hope that God will allow my dad to be happy again, whatever way that may be. This is partly why I'm going to school, because I need to see my dad look at me as I get up there to get my degree, that is my dream, and if that doesn't happen I don't think I would ever be happy either...

Sometimes I get so friggin depressed when I think about one day my dad won't be there anymore...and it really scares me...i don't know if I could ever handle that with just tears...I don't know if every tear that trickled down from my eyes could do the justice of how scary that would be...or even with my mom...sometimes life is cruel before it even does anything to you...Sometimes I ask myself why do I think about those things? And it just makes it worse, because my answer always is...because one day it will happen...That's why is hurts me to see him like this, at least his kids give him strength, i see the glow in his eyes whenever he speaks to one of my sisters, he loves you both with all of his heart, he talks about what he worried about with both of you everyday...And whenever he sees daniella and gabriel he looks as if he is where he should be...he is that type of man, the man that feels reviatilized with the sounds of his children...
And with me I think he is worried that I will give up, or that I will make a bad decision...I know he misses me too...I think I miss lots of people...Sometimes sacrifice is too much, because the things I have to sacrifice to be successful in life seems a little too much at times...Right now I'm going to school and working, and I can't talk to Zulen as much, I barely talk to my dad, I barely see Caroline and her kids, now I see Vanessa once in a while, and before I know it 4 years will be gone and my nieces and my nephews will grow up so friggin fast...Sometimes I don't understand why things have to be this way, why do I have to go through this to be successful, if it was for me I wouldn't do it...I'm doing this for my future, I'm doing this for my kids and my baby, because I could care less where I end up, but I'm doing this so I can support them with all i have and they would know that I tried...I'm doing this so I can hug my dad in my cap and gown and he can finally be proud of me...I wouldn't miss his reaction for the world...And I know its going to be so hard, I just never knew how hard it would really be, and this is only the beginning...I hope my dad will be ok, I hope all the suffering we have done in our lives...will be worth it in the kingdom of heaven...

Earth

The Earth goes round and round millions of times a year. Each second someone is wishing, hoping, praying, thinking, speaking, or even sleeping. All those things circle the Earth as we spin all year not realizing it. No matter how horrible of a day, or how great of day the sun rises and the sun sets. Each day something happens, someone is thinking of the next great thing, someone is having a baby, getting married, getting murdered, having an arguement, and life keeps on going like nothing has happened. So how does one not be selfish? I mean when you are single and you aren't married, are you thinking about your future or are you thinking about what is going to happen now? When you deliver that pizza to an unknown persons door, when you take another mindless customers arguements, when you climb that ladder on the top of the empire state building to just change the lightbulb all the way on the top, are you thinking about you or someone else? When I look at my dad, I look at him and I realize how I am still here in this world, how he never let us down, how sometimes he would work 3 jobs just to support us. No one gave him a helping hand at his worst moments, or maybe his kids did. I look at him and I start wondering how in the hell would I be able to do that if I was in the same situation as he was? Everytime I see him no matter his flaws of spending too much money or buying too many cars, I see this man that sits in front of the computer...He is responsible for me, for giving me support, for loving me and working his ass off for me and all his kids. I start thinking how in the world do I even start to imagine to be responsible for some person's life, to be in charge of how they think, to be responsible of whether or not the world will accept them...That's something you don't think about all the time when you are changing your baby's diaper...
When I got accepted to this college, when I got this job at the same time, and I will have to do everything at the same time and still manage to keep sane, I thought to myself I'm actually doing this, I can actually feel like being my dad, who struggled so hard and sacrificed his own life just to see mine get better...The reason I'm doing this is for myself, and the reason I want this and could do this for myself is because of families like mine, I just hope I can do this...I hope God will listen to my prayers and give me a happy life, whether its like this or not...Life loves to see us fight, to fight for what we believe in, love, strive to be, want, and need.
I can't say I'm not nervous of how I will do in the future, of how my kids will view me, or how happy I will make my wife. To me the only way for myself to be happy is to see everyone around me happy, if I was the only one happy in this world I would have nothing to live for, I couldn't live like that. I'm scared that maybe I will go through with this and it will be for nothing, maybe I won't be as happy as I thought. But at least I can try right? Like I said the world keeps moving, we are a speck in a massive universe, a little speck of a trillion species of animals and working minds, and sometimes it is hard to really be pissed off when you know that a billion other people out there have it worse than you do. But that's why we must worry about our own problems, because in the end all we have is each other.