Its been so long since I've been in this state of mind. I can't sleep tonight with the amount of thoughts circling around in my head.
Tonight I took a good look into my room, I took a look into myself, my head, my car, the way I take care of myself. Before I used to think, thank God I'm not like one of those bums who don't do a thing everyday. But damn look at what I'm doing now...I'm doing just that...as if I just snapped inside. I had a goal, I had this starvation for success, I felt the determination flowing through me. I cleaned my room once in a while, I paid attention to my thoughts, I read the newspaper trying to catch up on life itself. Yet I look at myself now, 20 pounds lighter, up at 4 am, sleeping in a landfill, without the slightest idea of what I'm doing to myself. Damn God did I let myself collapse? How could I go from doing what I've always wanted to do, to falling through the cracks. And to think that I had not realized all of this until just now...To think that I had ignored everything, my health, my school, my family, my mind. What did I just wake up from? What was it that helped me break through this bubble of a person that I have become? No I can't do this shit anymore, I can't expect to live a fulfilling life living this way. I feel like I've lost control of everything, and I can't do it anymore. I can't watch myself in the mirror and stare into the person looking back at me and see him crumble. It just goes to show you, even if you think you have everything you need, there are still things you still have no control of. What ever happened to me these past few months, I hope it never shows itself again...I just wish I knew how to control it...Maybe I never will, but at least I know I have people near me who give a shit about me, at least I know they will never let me fall, thank God for them, because who knows what I'd be doing now....probably nothing.
