I have class in about 3 hours from now. And as I have the whole morning to myself, I go outside of my room into a quiet bright room. I start to think to myself about what has happened last month, and what is going to happen later on this month. Unfortunately all of November I was unsuccessful in finding a job, and I have kinda been forced to stay in my room quite frequently throughout the month. But then there have been times when I have actually spent time with my dad these past few weeks.
I remember long ago when I use to have to rely on him for everything. When I use to look up at him to talk to him, when I would hold his hand to cross the street. Back then though my mind was only thinking about candy and action figures. Now things are different, I've been working and going to school almost everyday since I was 17. I think for some reason during that period, little by little I sensed a detachment away from my dad, not only because I had my own money, but mentally. Like when we would talk, we wouldn't have much to say to each other, granted even now we still don't because we are both very quiet people when it comes to personal situations. For me and my sisters its different, I've developed a relationship with them that has allowed them and I to talk about personal things without limits. But me always being the youngest in the family, I've always had issues talking to my dad about stuff like that because it always seemed as though he didn't really pay attention to what I had to say.
But every year that passed between now and when i was 17 has taught me alot about who my dad really is, and about who I am myself. I look at him differently, I see his mistakes more frequently, he has told me things that he has never told me before. Recently though it almost seems like I have hooked that link onto him that I had lost before. Now of course things are different, he has 3 more kids that are all much younger than I am, and another women in his life. There are plenty of times where I prayed that my mother could be there instead of Ayde. To this day that is still true. But then I put myself into my dad's shoes. And recently with all this going on with my mom it has been on my dad's mind more so than usual. The truth is my dad was confused, he has told me many things that she had done to him. And I think regardless of her illness, things like that hurt. Especially when she became a completely different person than who she was when my dad first met her.
Dad feels betrayed at times, and I know that after so many years of dealing with her, everytime he speaks to her he can only think the bad things she did or had done to him.
But its weird how life is, I end up not having a job for a while which obviously strains my finances, but at the same time I gained something so vital to me and my dad's relationship. Living with him everyday though, seeing him tired also takes a toll on me. I worry about him alot, I have this huge fear of not seeing him or my mom for a long time. I know that once I go to TN my dad will be on my mind alot. It almost seems unfair that I have to see him like this before I leave. I have this bond with my dad that I will never lose ever in my life, even when I slept in my own room for the first time I felt weird being away from him. He has always been there for me.
I know that he wants me to go so I can see for myself how it is to be on my own. But even though this opportunity has presented itself, I have this ache in my heart that I won't be able to help my dad if he ever needed help when I am gone. I mean how do I repay years of sacrifice? But that's what a true parent really is, unselfish. Even people with tons of money with no kids feel something is missing in their lives, because most people live for their children, their lives run on the fact that they will see their children succeed in one way or another, and my dad is just that type of a man.
I see the mistakes that he does now, some things I know my mom would have a legit reason to get mad at him for. Things that have always plagued him, like buying cars. With unfortunately affects his credit, which in return doesn't allow him to purchase a house or a nice car or have credit cards to help someone live comfortably. And its so interesting seeing these mistakes from him, because he is such a wise man. In his mind he buys these costly things because one day he plans to sell them for a greater value. But then he ends up losing money and not being able to afford other things so he has to sell them for a cheaper price just so he can afford what he would have been able to afford if he hadn't purchased the stuff in the first place.
Even though he has a his faults like all humans do, I truly believe he is a great example of what a man really is. A man is only as great as his wife. Men in the past have done great things, mostly because women weren't allowed to do certain things. But if you read about all our great men in this country, even in other countries, they relied on their wives many times. Even though men can be great, we have this childish mindset about us, which I am sure comes from our mothers spoiling us. All men are different true, but most men I think need a good woman by their side to tell them what their faults are, to allow the men to grow up, because though we maybe 30 or 40 years old, inside we are only teenagers, and men do stupid shit even as they get older.
I have always hoped that my dad would be able to marry someone that he would be happy with for the rest of his life. A man like that truly deserves happiness, and maybe he does feel happy with Ayde, but for some reason I worry about him alot with her, I believe that if my mom was ok, if she hadn't done or said some of the nasty things long ago, she would have been able to help my dad grow out of that. But unfortunately here we are. But that is my opinion, it doesn't it is right or wrong, it is only what I see from my perspective, from what little I have learned so far from life. Whatever my dad's plans for future are, I pray that God helps him, gives him a break. I hope that God can see the amount of greatness and heart that my dad brings to this planet, "this world has such a lack of great people now in days" someone told me one day, but just because your parents or your grandparents were never on the news inventing some sort of gadget or theory does not mean they were never great people. Great men and woman are everywhere in this world, but because many people find it so boring they never pay attention. But just take a look at the house you live in, the car you drive, the body you are living in...someone great created that, that's why I can never look at myself in the mirror and be disgusted because I am the son of Jose Antonio Terrazas and Ivonne Virginia Altamirano. And even though they have never been on television or they will never be presented with a medal, I believe they are great people. And as I struggle to find myself in college or school, as I struggle to be someone great, I think the greatest worry I will have, is whether my kids will see me as a great man. And I pray to God that I never let them down, that whatever career or life I choose will never affect my reputation with my kids. "Great human beings are not just those who get recognized for it" JMT
