May 1st

Its May 1st, and it feels like I have been here for years...

Some things have happened recently that have made me think and look back on what was. So many things have happened....

Is there a such thing has too many changes? I have always been one to know that change is inevitable, that sooner or later you most likely will not see or do the same things you were doing before.
But I don't think in the history of me do I remember having so many things happen at the same time...

I can't really think lately, I can't think straight, sometimes I feel like I can't breath, as if my oxygen is running low, my heart is aching, my thoughts are all over the place and the world is sitting on top of me.
Things did not happen the way I expected them to. And to think I actually thought I was going to catch a break. But it reminds that life is never that easy, I understand sometimes why my dad never made plans.

I look at my baby and I see something I have never seen in a while in her. I see confusion, fear, pain, sometimes she would stare into the air and it seems as if she is lost in her own thoughts.
God has a funny way of granting wishes. It seems as though he allows us to have certain things we ask for, but in return we must sacrifice other things. In this case its her parents.
I'm in a position where I don't know what to do, where it seems like nothing I say will cure her. This seems to be our first true test... I realize that this had to come sooner or later, but God did it have to be now? I was hoping to enjoy some of the things that we couldn't being so far away from each other... I wanted her and I to take a fucking break from all the emotional stress that we've had to deal with for so long.
sigh... thats life.
Unfortunately it has taken a toll on her, things have been said and done that shouldn't have ever been.
We have decided to postpone the wedding until, who knows when the fuck. She seemed so eager to do so before all this happened. But after the things that have happened it always seem like bad karma to have one now. Its kind of disappointing, at one point you never felt so sure, and the next you feel as if the bad things that have happened around you will for sure happen in our own future.
But in all honesty, I have realized how young we both are. As hard as that is to admit. Its kind of like, "well what more do I have to do now?". I feel exhausted from ear to ear, as much as this situation isn't supposed to be about me, I see it in her face everyday, I hear the words being exchanged everyday, and it feels like the world is going to crumble.

I feel like I don't really know what to else to say...I'm tired of talking, i'm tired of talking about my feelings or how I feel about things. I'm tired of worrying, I'm tired of being tired of everything.

I've been trying to get myself into a better mood these past couple days, I've been trying to get used to things that I'm not accustomed to as well. And then I realized that I haven't vented in fucking forever, that all those words that have been piling up in my chest are dying to get out of me.

Another thing is...I look at zulen's mom, and it reminds me of how I felt when mom was around. I never know when she will fall apart, she smiles at you but her eyes tell you a different story. Then I remember all those days I felt so stressed out and tense everytime my mom would start a fight. And yet even after all of that, I still miss her....If she had never had the disease, she would have done no harm to us. I remember those days she used to walk with me, and I fucking miss her, I just want to hug her again and tell her i'm sorry for the nasty shit I've ever said to her.

there i go again....losing breath,

the keyboard seems to get harder, i feel the ache in my head, I feel the tension in my eyes....

Now what keeps me going? What helps me breath again? I know that nothing bad ever lasts forever, that one day I can look back at this and take a deep breath, a breath so big that my lungs will fill up with joy.

There is lots more I can say, some things I'd rather not bring up right now.

Unfortunately my laptop (R.I.P. March 02, 2008- April 28th 2009) which cost me 1100 fucking dollars, has passed away. We had good times and we have bad times, mostly fun times :). I always enjoyed cleaning your registry, and backing up your files. I will never forget the day you arrived at my doorstep, you looked so lonely, you looked like you needed a hug and I was there to give you one. We spent almost everyday together, I hope you have a good time in PC heaven, don't forget about me. Now to the fuckers responsible for the laptops creation YOU OWE ME FUCKING 1100 FUCKING DOLLARS YOU ASSHOLES!!! WHAT THE FUCK???!!!!!!! I spent every penny of my paycheck combined with my tax return to get the fucking thing, and these guys want to charge me $400 dollars just to talk to them on the phone because i'm out of warranty. Well eat me.

Night everyone. :)

Friday the 13th

15 minutes left till Friday the 13th. As always though, I'm mostly afraid of what will happen the next day after Friday the 13th which happens to be Valentine's day lol.

For some strange reason right now I feel very odd. I look around the room and it feels as if I'm in the wrong place, yet I've been here for a while. I can't figure out why but for some reason I can't seem to sleep all the way through at night, most likely because of the fact that I've been having to wake up really early now lol.
I think about you guys alot, I wonder how the kids are doing, and sometimes I get sad when I think about having to see them bigger than before.
Things over here can get uncomfortable for me sometimes, especially when the family is not one that I've known my whole life, they do things differently over here. I think about mom, and I wish someone could just shake a magic wand on her and she could keep taking her pills. I kinda miss how she sounded and how she responded so well when she was taking them. Seeing Zulen's mom, I realize that even though the disorder is still there, she can function throughout the day, she can be a mom.
So much time is passing by, and every year that goes by it feels like I have less and less to say to mom. I don't know what to talk about sometimes, and I can tell she notices when I don't have anything to say. I hate that, I hate having to think so hard to remember what she looks like, I hate having to think so hard to remember the memories with her. I need more memories, good ones, ones that bring a smile to my face instead of memories that make me think twice of bringing her back here.

I also think about the future, where will I be in a few years? I have no idea...What will I be thinking about then? who knows... But I need Zulen to understand that somehow in the near future, if we plan to be with each other we have to compromise on where we will be living. I realize that its hard for you to leave your parents baby that it will break their hearts, but if we wish to live on our own one day we have to do so. But of course that is a while away. It just seems like the days here last forever sometimes yet they don't...its hard to explain.
But so far so good, I've only been here for a month and I got a good job, what scares me though is that the economy is getting worse as we speak and I work at a friggin bank. I just hope something like a miracle happens and the economy finally gets back on its feet. Too many good people are suffering right now, and its all because everyone lets the big boys at the banks do whatever they want.

N e way, I have a final today (Friday the 13th lol) for my Suntrust training. The people are great so far, just a little bit too focused on making money, but its a bank what do i expect lol. The training program here is friggin amazing, I had absolutely no idea how to do anything the first day I got here, and now I'm able to complete almost any transaction you shoot at me lol. If you have any banking questions just ask me :). I love you all, I miss you all, give the kids a kiss for me, and give max one for me 2 baby :). I'm so lucky to have lived with so many strong women, it lets me know that anything is possible :P

Every night I think about how fast the days go by. It feels like I am living in a different phase of my life. I pray every night that I have not made a mistake, or that my nerves don't get to me. Life here is so much more simple, its definitely a way of living that I have to get used to. Though Virginia has its share of gangs, trouble areas, and expensive living. The state is so well taken care of, the schools are top of the line and the climate can be really peaceful. Tennessee is not as well taken care of, but the people here are a little bit different in the sense that their mentality is very spiritual. The north lacks religion while the south is too involved with it. I had a good laugh in a supermarket here the other day when I went past the little section where the cheap 50 cent little mini toys are sold. Usually in VA there are crappy little sticky globs, or bouncy balls, or gum that you can buy. But over here in TN they had a collection of Glow in the dark crosses. At first I stood in amazement at how different the mentality is over here. People here are so easily offended by the simplest things. I think that is what scares me about the conservative mentality sometimes. People here are too quick to judge change. Sometimes I listen to what my best friends girlfriend complains about, and it just makes me laugh. She complains that Jorge listens to rap or watches stuff with cuss words in them. As if God will send her to hell for doing such things.
It seems to me as if this place has always tried to stay far away from what is the liberal north. I start to think about the civil war, and I never realized until very recently how different the south and the north really are. Though the north is more accepting of different people, people up north focus their whole lives on money. And when your mind is programmed to make money, people lose a little bit of life each day, and little bit of themselves every time that paycheck is cashed in.

So...So far my analysis is lol, people here in TN need to open their eyes and realize that their is a bigger world than just Tennessee. And people in VA need to settle the fuck down, and admire the beauty that is Virginia once in a while.
But regardless of the type of people here, all is so-so so far. I pray to God that I find a job soon or this whole month is going to be a nightmare. I've always been one to have at least a little bit of money up their sleeve in case of any emergency, and now that that money is gone I am very uneasy and I can't seem to lift the weights off my chest. But no one said it was going to be easy, but its hard to keep confident when I've literally applied to 10 different jobs and not one has contacted me. Though it kinda hurts my confidence, I have to keep hoping, something, even a job as a fucking cow tipper, i don't give a shit just pay me lol. I do pray however, even as desperate as I am, that it will be a job that I can stick with and that pays well so I can be at least as comfortable as I was a few months back.

well i'm off to bed, i just want to say i miss all you guys, and I see the little faces of my nieces, nephews, etc... every night in my head :) I love you all, good night.