Its May 1st, and it feels like I have been here for years...
Some things have happened recently that have made me think and look back on what was. So many things have happened....
Is there a such thing has too many changes? I have always been one to know that change is inevitable, that sooner or later you most likely will not see or do the same things you were doing before.
But I don't think in the history of me do I remember having so many things happen at the same time...
I can't really think lately, I can't think straight, sometimes I feel like I can't breath, as if my oxygen is running low, my heart is aching, my thoughts are all over the place and the world is sitting on top of me.
Things did not happen the way I expected them to. And to think I actually thought I was going to catch a break. But it reminds that life is never that easy, I understand sometimes why my dad never made plans.
I look at my baby and I see something I have never seen in a while in her. I see confusion, fear, pain, sometimes she would stare into the air and it seems as if she is lost in her own thoughts.
God has a funny way of granting wishes. It seems as though he allows us to have certain things we ask for, but in return we must sacrifice other things. In this case its her parents.
I'm in a position where I don't know what to do, where it seems like nothing I say will cure her. This seems to be our first true test... I realize that this had to come sooner or later, but God did it have to be now? I was hoping to enjoy some of the things that we couldn't being so far away from each other... I wanted her and I to take a fucking break from all the emotional stress that we've had to deal with for so long.
sigh... thats life.
Unfortunately it has taken a toll on her, things have been said and done that shouldn't have ever been.
We have decided to postpone the wedding until, who knows when the fuck. She seemed so eager to do so before all this happened. But after the things that have happened it always seem like bad karma to have one now. Its kind of disappointing, at one point you never felt so sure, and the next you feel as if the bad things that have happened around you will for sure happen in our own future.
But in all honesty, I have realized how young we both are. As hard as that is to admit. Its kind of like, "well what more do I have to do now?". I feel exhausted from ear to ear, as much as this situation isn't supposed to be about me, I see it in her face everyday, I hear the words being exchanged everyday, and it feels like the world is going to crumble.
I feel like I don't really know what to else to say...I'm tired of talking, i'm tired of talking about my feelings or how I feel about things. I'm tired of worrying, I'm tired of being tired of everything.
I've been trying to get myself into a better mood these past couple days, I've been trying to get used to things that I'm not accustomed to as well. And then I realized that I haven't vented in fucking forever, that all those words that have been piling up in my chest are dying to get out of me.
Another thing is...I look at zulen's mom, and it reminds me of how I felt when mom was around. I never know when she will fall apart, she smiles at you but her eyes tell you a different story. Then I remember all those days I felt so stressed out and tense everytime my mom would start a fight. And yet even after all of that, I still miss her....If she had never had the disease, she would have done no harm to us. I remember those days she used to walk with me, and I fucking miss her, I just want to hug her again and tell her i'm sorry for the nasty shit I've ever said to her.
there i go again....losing breath,
the keyboard seems to get harder, i feel the ache in my head, I feel the tension in my eyes....
Now what keeps me going? What helps me breath again? I know that nothing bad ever lasts forever, that one day I can look back at this and take a deep breath, a breath so big that my lungs will fill up with joy.
There is lots more I can say, some things I'd rather not bring up right now.
Unfortunately my laptop (R.I.P. March 02, 2008- April 28th 2009) which cost me 1100 fucking dollars, has passed away. We had good times and we have bad times, mostly fun times :). I always enjoyed cleaning your registry, and backing up your files. I will never forget the day you arrived at my doorstep, you looked so lonely, you looked like you needed a hug and I was there to give you one. We spent almost everyday together, I hope you have a good time in PC heaven, don't forget about me. Now to the fuckers responsible for the laptops creation YOU OWE ME FUCKING 1100 FUCKING DOLLARS YOU ASSHOLES!!! WHAT THE FUCK???!!!!!!! I spent every penny of my paycheck combined with my tax return to get the fucking thing, and these guys want to charge me $400 dollars just to talk to them on the phone because i'm out of warranty. Well eat me.
Night everyone. :)
