End of The Yearly Piece of Yarn

Its been another while since I've posted in this blog of mine. Sometimes I look at it as a good thing, because the only things that make me want to post is when something troubles me or its just something that makes fills you up so much that you need to release it.
This year has definitely had its ups and downs, like every year. But for some reason even though I think I've matured, I truly believe that I've gotten somewhat more confused every passing month. I guess things happen that challenge the person you are inside, or at least the person you thought you were. I try so hard not to think so much about so many things, because when I do think, I think about my life all the time. I love philosophy, I love thinking with an expanded vision that will lead me to different thoughts about different things, but when you don't understand things, it confuses you. This year taught me many things about myself, about other people also. I can only imagine what this next year will bring for us all. Although I haven't said much in this post, I have lots to say, maybe one day, when my mind is in an expanded mood, lol, I will share with you. Have a happy new year, hope that nothing this year has brought you was too negative, remember you must face your past so you may have a future. till next year, happy 2007.

Mom

Mom Pics

Another month goes bye...

I forgot to post for my 2nd anniversary of my blog! (thank God i'm not going out with it or might have been yelled at lol) n e wayz. Its already the 20th of November. But really how many times can one say "time flies" but its so true, and the thing that makes it go by so fast is when things change along with it. I have been giving myself therapy lately, I've almost had myself slip into complete sadness, just thinking about everything. Just the other day though, I was thinking to myself, what do I have to be depressed about? I've got everything I've ever wanted, a beautiful home to share with my family, in a beautiful neighborhood, everyone in my family is alive and healthy, I've got so many people that love me and support me, but damn what is missing? Why is it that everyday I come home from school or work and feel so unhappy? How come I can't seem to enjoy myself anymore when I'm really supposed to. Why do I still feel an empty hole in my life when not too long ago I was missing even more. Is it true that one can never feel completely happy? If that's so, then why am I wasting my time to find it?

I feel this urge to do something, something I've never done before with my life, but I have no idea what it is. I have this feeling that time is running out, or like something drastic will happen soon so I need to prepare for it...Maybe I'm just crazy, but I've always been weird about things going TOO well. And from reading Caroline's blog she feels the same way... God forbid life takes a 360 and devours everything that makes us happy now...I only pray that whatever it is I'm missing from my life, whatever it is that makes me so unhappy, goes away, because I truly miss enjoying life to the fullest. Maybe I should do more excercise, its supposed to make you more happier lol. Or maybe I should light a blunt and feel happy that way lol j/k. fuck maybe I really do need to get out more, who knows, fuck, w/e.

Today was Kayla's B-day! I really hope she liked my present hehe, I know she loved the gameboy omg. Vanessa since I know your reading this, just know that Kayla will one day be someone special, she is so intelligent I swear, I'm so glad that our whole family has created so many healthy babies, its like God has blessed us with a healthy family for such a long time. We have minor health issues but it seems like we are so healthy and strong, I'm glad we are still together. and now I"m rambling when I should be sleeping, so I'm going to lay my fat ass on my bed and dream of good things to come, dream of a world so peaceful, and then wake up and say "fuck school" lol, nite everyone, happy rest of November :D

Haven't Seen U in a while have I?

Too short of a day to react too short of a life to waste. Its the first time i've been able to think, and been able to WANT to think about things. Everyday I tell myself i'm getting better at this, I really am, I growing to be a wonderful person, then I look at what has happened these past few days what the hell has happened to me? I've devoted my time to so many things to so many goals that I want to accomplish and they seem to be eating me alive. I've gone to school, come back enjoy myself for 30 mins, go to work, come back do my homework, and then go to sleep. And then I finally stopped myself and realized what the hell is going on here? Have I finally become one of those zombies? The emotionless, cold, selfish, careless beings that seem to thrive on sadness...I've done so much better in school so far, I'm working so hard, but what the fuck has happened with the rest of me? I've lost a person I love, because of my own selfish fault, because I chose to indulge in wants instead of needs for once in my life...I wanted them to be here, I wanted to touch them, to hold them close to my heart, and feeling those butterflies in my stomach when you hold them so close to your soul. For once I felt like I needed what I wanted, instead of just settling with what I needed...And I've tried so hard to think, just to think about everything for a split second, but no, another alarm goes off, or my eyes cave in and I need to sleep, or my mind wanders off not wanting to think of the horrid reality of intellectual thought. She makes me feel happy, but only for a short while, then I realized, when the hell am I ever truly happy? I could be smiling up the ass, I could be laughing, making jokes, but is that the true definition of a happy person? Or is it just that they have more to hide? I don't know what I can do to make myself happy, or at least try and be positive about everything. Lord why am I so negative? Why do I chew my soul out of existence before it has a chance to inspire my mind and body with purity of the soul. Then there might be this explanation that I'm a teenager, that it will pass, but fuck, what do I do for now? Just wait till I become old enough to explain everything? Does age really play a factor in what makes me happy? Will love pump through veins ever so vigoursly as they are now? I miss u, I truly do, but I don't want to keep you waiting anymore, its not fair to you, nor to myself to hear you cry your heart out on the phone and me not say anything...Is that how life is going to be for you now? Just because I chose someone else, because I was stupid and threw away you? I can't and won't tell you to do anything, and I know you want so bad that I do, to tell you to wait for me, but I won't, I never will, because I fucked up that chance. Will I ever come back? I don't know, all I know is, do what makes you happy, but please don't choose to be wreckless, don't settle for less when you know you can do so much better. I wish I felt that I could go back to you, I felt it in my heart that I was going to be with you till the end of it all and it all ended in a weekend...You told me I have no respect for you, that I was selfish...God only knows what you are thinking anymore, your anger confuses you, your tears dribble down with troubling slickness, your heart aches to know what went wrong...But just try and realize that sometimes you can't explain life, you can't just simply explain an emotion so powerful as love, I've learned that the hard way...To tell you the truth I do wish we were still together, but I can't hurt you anymore, I don't feel strong enough for you anymore, I can't just keep coming and going out of your life and back whenever I feel like it.
And me? I've become so used to being able to handle my own problems, so used to being alone in this room of mine, its like I choose to not have to interfere with the world because my life isn't that important...I've got such a long way to go, its only October, and I won't be able to see you again, even if you did come those 4 days, I couldn't see you, I won't, because it will only make things worse, it would just make things too awkward...Like you said, maybe I am selfish for thinking this way, but I remember you are the one who always wanted me to go for what I want and not settle with what I need all the time, just think about your words, and think about mine...
So what is this blog post really going to settle? Because I still don't feel refreshed about anything, life will keep going, maybe a few comments here and there, but still, life will keep going, and things will only change naturally, maybe I"m just crazy, and this is all just one big dream, maybe I'm living in a glimpse, God I wish that were so, I just wish that one day, things will be ok for such a long time, but one can only hope right?

Another Solitary Day

Days come and days go, I look out my non-existent window and see a pleasant darkness. It is a kind and gentle darkness, one that lends you a hand in times of need. This day is non other than a lonely day, and lonely day with a companion known as darkness. The darkness sustains itself with loneliness. It creeps up the stairs of time, scanning memories, reliving the past. I stare into the darkness, only to see tears of joy and sadness combine with each other to make a huge memory for me to think about. Such a short life, a life full of dreams and distant smiles that are born and keep me company. And I wonder...will anyone understand this darkness? Can anyone share this pleasant cloud of loneliness? The darkness grows stronger with every question, knowing that the answer is only for one person and one person only, me. So why make others understand? No matter...I shall come to the conclusion that I am still in fact alone in a cloud full of memories. Through the darkness I hear a noise, a cricket glides his wings together, seeking non other than a mate. He wishes to not experience the darkness, he wishes not to be alone this night, he communicates with every inch of his little body to make sure the darkness stays away. But why? When the darkness is pleasant and seems to have such fulfilling memories, maybe it is the bad memories that the cricket wishes to be without tonight. Ah yes, the bad ones, the darkness fills with lightning, the cloud bubbles with rage. The past has made us who we are, but the dark cloud shows what one had to do in order to be what they are. The darkness has betrayed me, I do not care to be stricken with fowl memories. I look away, I see the world, I see myself right next to it, and the thoughts have vanished from my mind. What does this mean to me? Seeing myself next to the world, the planet that I live on, the people that live as I do everyday. I look straight ahead, I see a white wall, absolutely nothing, does this mean I can not look ahead? Why can't I just take peek? No? Than I shall not look ahead, I can not look ahead, I must not look back either, I must stop. I look around again, just back to the same loneliness, I turn on the T.V. and the cable doesn't work, I listen again, and I don't hear the crickets chirp no longer. Maybe he has found what he has been looking for, and believe it or not I have learned much from the cricket, he tried his hardest to achieve what he wanted,he stayed away from the darkness, knowing that it might betray him. We should all learn from this cricket today. I should rest this solitary mind, the mind that seeks everything to attain its main reason, though it is solitary, it is a beautiful mind...

18 and up

wow, its been here for a while. My age, eighteen, but you know what? It really didn't kick in until recently. Today I got my permit!!!!!!! yaaaaay! lol, figures I should have my friggin driver's license by now, but due to transportation and other issues I haven't been able to do so in the past 3 years! lol.
Have you ever looked around one day, just looked around and thought how unbelievable life can be? Or just the fact that you look around, you realize so many things when your brain is quiet and only thinking about one thing...Life is so stressful everyday, you come home, you do the same thing, and it becomes a habit, until pretty soon, you don't stop at all you just keep going and going and going, because that's how it is now and days. But when you stop and take a good look around you, and think about how much has changed, how the past was, you realize that time is so valuable, so good that it only lasts a split second, you know what I mean? Good things only last a short amount of time, and that's how valuable time is, it only lasts a second. But how can a person really appreciate time? I mean, do you go out and make a shrine with father time in your room? Of course not, all you need to do, is look around you sometimes, not everyday, not every week, not every month, but just...sometimes...and you will realize how much time has gone by...its scary isn't it?

God I feel so repetitive sometimes, I talk about life, my mom, school, my dad, my baby, my sisters, but I mean those are really the only thoughts that inspire me to write. I mean the days that I feel like posting on my blog, circulate everytime, its like a spin cycle, and suprisingly I come up with something new to say about each subject every time. Life...as I was doing my "stop to appreciate time" shit, I was thinking about the shower. A simple shower...I was remembering when my dad, ayde, and I used to live in Springfield after we moved out of Moline place we moved to this indian ladies house. She lived upstairs, and I remember the bathroom she gave us...I remember, some months the shower would only spew out droplets of water, like little rain drops, and I took a shower in that, I remember the little droplets would get scorching hot, and I would have to stop taking a shower. And I remember the day they fixed it, I got so excited when the shower came on, it was at full blast! And now I look at the bathroom here, it has a nice little tub, and a shower that works perfectly and I just can't believe how much time has passed. You know I have to say, no matter how much shit life has put me through, no matter the things I've seen or people I've had to deal with, I thank God it has happened, because I would be a different person right now... I do though wish that things would have been different with my mom, I mean...I just wanna taste it, a little taste of what its like to have a normal mom...Even now its hard to say that she still hasn't changed, and I wanted so bad to make myself believe that she had, just so that she could come over here, but she still does need help, and I'm not sure what would be better for her. Her parents, who made her that way, or seeing the man she loves with another woman, either way...what is she to do you know? I don't know if I have said this before, but putting myself in her shoes, she's almost 50 if not already 50. No husband, no career, no life, her kids are far awar from her, I mean...how strong can a person really be? It bothers greatly, it makes me irritated all over to know that she is like that, to try and forgive her for the things she has done to me and my sisters. It bothers me to think that, if she comes back here, she will be the same again...But there is a hole in my life, and I know my mom is part of that hole, everything feels so incomplete...But if life says to be patient, I will try my hardest to catch every inch of hope I have left, because I want to complete that hole, I need to...

A Real Post lol

Damn, already June 18th...Which means 2 weeks more until my birthday. This year I turn 18, my lord how time flies.
Not too long ago I remember playing with my friends in the woods or in the parkling lot in Annandale, or my two best friends in Centreville who I always used to go out and play video games with. It is so hard to look at myself now, how I've grown, how my life has changed so drastically I can barely recognize how my past was unless I am in deep thought. Who would have ever thought I'd be working, I'd be cussing (lol), be in love, be crazy with my friends (a.k.a. hooka bars lol). I mean really, when was the last time you remembered how you used to be as a kid? Not a teen, but a child... My memories are vague but clear. First thing I remember, is me and my mom. When no one was there, we used to take walks with each other, she used to be so sweet...And the things that I will regret ever saying to my mother are all those harmful insults I used to call her. I look back at it now, and I'm so scared that I will not be able to forgive myself for insulting my own mother, calling her a fat cow, a bitch, a witch, of course it was because in turn she never respected me or my sisters. But now, you realize what the hell happened? I haven't seen her for 6 years...
Then I remember school...... In school I was never liked by anyone. For some reason, I was alone throughout elementary and the first part of middle school. I was viewed as the annoying kid who was weird. Just because I acted crazy by trying to make jokes or how I used to like to bug people...I only had one friend during those years, and I remember crying at night a few times. I remember when I used to sleep with my dad in the same room, and those times I cried he woke up and asked if I was ok, I mean, what could I tell him? "Dad..., I'm lonely"?
I remember going into middle school at rocky run, it felt only a bit different. Because the same people from elementary were there, and basically it was the same thing all over again...But I noticed things started changing for me, I started changing. I don't know how, I don't know why, but I changed...And ever since then I have been changing every year, getting to know myself, finding who I am, who I should be, its all part of life...You look at the moon and the sun everyday and they are the same, but you realize, that life changes all the time, and everytime you see the sunrise its a new day of life, life will teach you something new, and you will change once again. Maybe not drastically, but in ways that you won't notice until you look back on the year that has passed and realized what has happened.
I also remember how my mom used to write paragraphs for me in a journal, and make me write them again until I learned how to write perfectly. I remember caroline running away, I remember vanessa going away to Florida, I remember all those stories I used to tell my sisters, of planets, their names, the population, the war between them, lol. I remember telling a story one time to my sister then she went to her room and promised she would hear the rest of it, I knocked on her door and asked if she wanted to hear it, but I guess she was busy sleeping lol. After that I wrote it down in this blue binder I had, and I remember the day I lost that binder with all my stuff, I felt so heart broken, it was like my imagination was gone...
And then not too long ago I remember one of my writings, it was about my family, and how I viewed them, my shield, the mom I should have had, and my father, all the things that make up who I am.
And it is so amazing to see my sisters now, mothers, children of their own. I see how they are and they are the most wonderful mothers I've seen. They've learned not to be like our mom, you can always learn from the mistakes of others, but unfortunately from what I've seen, you can't learn until you have experienced such a thing yourself, that's just how humans are...

And there are so many memories in the past 18 years that I remember. Good and bad, and I look back, and I look at the rest of the world, and I thank God every fucking night for bringing me into this family, because I would not be the person I am without them, they have taught me so much about the world. And I have learned to look at the world differently then most people my age would have ever even thought of thinking about, and I plan to keep learning. I will legally be an adult in 2 weeks, but you know what? I have so much time to be an adult, I'll worry about being one later :) I still have lots of things to accomplish this year, and I know I will get there one day...To the place I've always wanted to be in, happiness...

Follow the Dots

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........Happy June Everyone! (keep following)....................................................................................................................
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Now FUCK OFF!!!!! :)

E.T. Phones home, lmfao

Hello again world, lol. (once again thank you for the lovely comments on the chatterbox, lol). hmmm maybe you guys are trying to send a hint? lol. hhmmmmm...nah.

N E wayz, what a stressful fucking month it has been :) (sarcastic smile). From work to money to school to family to sleeping to eating, lol. I feel emotionally attached to this month since its been so damn long, although shorter than previous months yet still long. I couldn't really sleep tonight as you can see, and I was suprised to see that you guys still go to my blog, lol. You must know me more than I thought, cuz with me you gotta keep checking cuz you never know when I just might post a blog lol.
I just felt like being random today, just say whatever is in my head, in no specific order so hopefully no one gets confused...

Today I played a beautiful game of tetris on my xbox, video games always relax me, they let me think about other things and entertain me at the same time. But anyway, as I was playing my game I looked around my room for a minute. Then I just pressed pause to think about how much has progressed in these past few years. I look directly in front of me, I see an air filter, an xbox 360 with a numerous amount of games next to it, a tv, surround sound speakers. Then I look a little to the left, I see a computer that I own, a webcam, also with speakers...And you know I thought to myself, I would have never imagined having so much things that I wanted, I mean though I want alot of things in life (who doesn't) I'm not that hard of a guy to please. And as I look around I'm so relieved that I have everything I want...Though having what you need and want are so different...
Living in that little motel with my dad for a while made me realize that everything I wanted wasn't there anymore, its what I needed that stayed with me. I had my dad, I had my health, I had my education, but yet all those video games, all those things that I wanted weren't with me, and after realizing that, you notice that in reality you only need so little, its what we want that drives us so crazy sometimes. We want shoes, electronics, jewelry, clothes, anything that pleasures you, but all those wants are like an untrue friend, they leave you when you are in a time of need. But as humans, it is in our nature to want so many things that we like, but if you don't have the things you need to survive, you have nothing...

Sometimes I consider writing a book again, but my problem is dedication and time. And for some reason for me, when I think about things to write, it sounds so divine in my mind and yet when I put it down on paper it feels like its missing the point, like its missing the true meaning to it. I have so many stories, and usually the best times my imagination soars is when I'm listening to an inspirational song or just alone in the dark...Then when I try and remember such stories later on, I forget them, and I hate that. Maybe I should bring a notepad with me wherever I go lol, just so I don't forget. I also need dedication, I hate being so distracted all the time, it makes one feel so unaccomplished when they are in the middle of doing something and then just stop...Then its like you gave up, then you don't feel like doing it anymore, thats what happens to me alot of times, and it truly irritates me. For once I would like to have that strength, that willingness to do things, and one would say that you could always acquire that if you just try, but if you've had such a feeling how do you know where to start? I mean even blogging, I have to push myself to post, because inside me I feel like expressing myself in this thing so much yet I feel trapped because everything else in my body is willing to do something else then blog. I mean at first I thought it was laziness but I think this goes past lazy, maybe lazy became a habit, God I hope not...

Well, this past week things went downhill then seemed to come back up again. Some more fights in school, random companies taking money out of my dads account. But then all in one day, my dad got his watch he ordered in the mail (put a fat ass smile on his face lol), I got the new design for my 360 (thanks to my baby :) Caroline is going to have a boy!!!! yaaaaaaay!! we need men in the family!!! lol. And me getting alot more fuckin hours than I used to, now thats yet to say if thats good or bad, but more work means more money, so we'll see if I'm dragging ass by next week. By the way my schedule for next week is, Sunday-10am-6:30pm, Monday 4-10, Thursday 4-10, and saturday I forgot what time I work lol. but including this weeks hours and next weeks, it equals, fat check! lol. oh yes, and who can forget on may 2 it will be exactly 2 months before my 18th b-day, i can't believe it...of course there are b-days in the middle, but mine is more important, hehehehehehehhe, j/k,...ahem. n e wayz, tomorrow I'm off, i'm gonna spend some time with my daddy, who I haven't chilled with in ages, hopefully get in contact with you guys (my sisters :P) and of course speak to my baby :P. hehehe well i'm out for now, good night guys.

Here lies happiness at the end of it all

I feel so extremely full today. Food? No, thoughts… The type of thoughts that keep you up all night and make smiles or tears show on your face. The types of thoughts that make you think about the future, and expect the worst or the best from it.
I think about my current situation in my life, after so long, I finally took the time to think about things so thoroughly that it seems awkward to live a life such as this. Even though for many years, its been the same.
To myself I think, 17 years old, still another year left of school that I should have graduated already, 2 loving sisters with such hard lives in which both do not deserve, a father who is still confused about what to love anymore and has 2 kids from another woman, a mother who lives thousands of miles away; suffers from bipolar disorder; haven’t seen in 6 years, a loving girlfriend who also lives far away yet holds my soul at her side…

I feel I have so much to talk about, but there are not enough words and not enough time to speak of them all, I feel restricted in not being able to tell everything to anyone I feel like.
I even think about the way future, it seems so scary to me…Seeing as though I am the youngest of the old generation of my family, if I live to be old I will see everyone that I know die…That day will I feel truly feel alone…I hope when I get old that I have accomplished all my dreams, see everyone I know be happy around me, see the stress lifted off of my dad…see Vanessa and Caroline happily married, have my loving wife next to me, have my children be happy and have what they need to live and more…See my family traditions carry on…and finally…see my mom healthy for the first time in my life. Only then, will I be able to put on my gravestone “Here lies happiness at the end of it all”. But then I think of now, here I am struggling to keep myself interested in such a society that needs a piece of paper in order for you to succeed. Money is paper, diplomas are paper, contracts are paper, why the hell do we rely on lifeless sheets of dead trees in order to keep our society intact? Why can’t life accept those that truly have the skills and personalities to keep our country alive, to keep this society good and clean, just because you had straight A’s or have a huge house in this life does not mean you are better than the person next to you. It troubles me to see such a thing being wanted, and I hate going for something I hate, and what I hate is waking up daily to a life you do not want…
Then I remember all those days I used to have in school. In middle school, when I used to wake up so early in the morning at 4am because my father had to go to work and he was my only ride to school. He used to leave me in a diner, from which I ate breakfast and walked to the nearby hospital. I sat in there for an hour or so and waited until my school opened. Then I remember when me and my dad lost our little abode that year, we couldn’t escape to anyone, so we had no choice but to live in a motel…Even then I still went to school…And now, I live in this nice house, in a nice neighborhood and I hate school, I hate everything it stands for, because they have done so much stupid things to me, even to this day they still bother me, all the teachers, counselors, it feels like they all want to attack me for no reason. Do I look crazy? Shall I show them these writings that I write so vigilantly and show them I have an education to carry on without the grades? No, its never that easy, never…

I wish things were different, seeing all those murders, crimes, disasters, all those people who make our lives worse, I thank God I am not like them or have never been in a disaster.

One day I wish to be truly happy, that way, everyone around me is happy, because if I was truly happy, you would not be reading this right now and your mood would not change to sadness, or think about different things that would lead you to think about the bad and the good of life. No, you would read nothing, and you would be happy, knowing that someone you know and love has nothing to let out, nothing to grieve over, and that makes you at least one bit happier. But unfortunately, we still have our own problems to deal with, but reading something happy will make you forget at least for a split second…and you will smile.

If you have no clue what I’m talking about, I understand, I’ve lived in this body for years and I still don’t know what I talk about. Its all a matter of the future the present, the past, and my mind that bring me to write things as these. That’s another thing about me, you would never think these thoughts would dwell with such a person that is laughing or seems happy all the time. But next time you see a person, happy, sad, angry, anyone for that matter, think about what they hide within themselves, what stories they could tell you about their lives, that is why we are all the same, we all have a story to tell, we all have struggles. And if a person you speak to has a struggle that seems so stupid or so easy to deal with, just think, you’ve never lived their life and they have never lived yours…
But I guess what my point is in this whole thing is, well quite frankly…I think too much, lol. I personally think I pay attention to stupid things, the things that interest me are very different than most people, and maybe that’s why school bores me so much…But what I need is motivation, and saying that my life will be crap if I don’t go doesn’t seem to cut it…I wish I could save this year, but unfortunately no matter what I do this year I will still fail miserably, because of my absences I am required to fail…And I can’t let this happen next year, I musn’t, I can’t stand going in front of my father, who works his ass off in order to support the small part of the family we have left, tell him that I’ve failed yet again…I heard a quote somewhere that really made me think “I have failed so I may succeed” I hope that is true, although I follow quotes that only I make up, that relate to me perfectly, so for me it would be “I shall succeed, because failure is no option for a troubled mind” With this I hope you understand me, read again if you can’t understand the first time. Good night….MIKEY

Dragonheart 

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/nword.html

that link takes you to a video that is about a teacher who said the "n" word in school, LMAO! It's hilarious!

Posting earlier :)

Well I was just blog hunting today, read everybodies blogs! So I felt that I needed to post again lol.
Lately I feel a little better about everything, but that doesn't beat the fact that it still worries me you know.
For school I decided that coming back next year seems like a better plan that getting a GED. I truly think that with a GED I won't be able to go as far as I would want, and I would never feel like I truly accomplished what I had to. Not only that I started to think, with me coming back next year and only having about 4 or 5 classes I'll be able to save money for college, be able to still keep a job, I'll hopefully have a car by then (God help me get one soon lol) but n e wayz, it seems like maybe getting out of high school now is just an excuse and not truly thinking about accomplishing shit.

n e wayz, I recently realized that I spend too much money lol. Its kind of hard you know, I needed alot shit before I had a job, now I feel like I'm a little more complete with wants lol. One of my main spending areas is food!!! It really sucks because for some reason I'm at like my peak of eating, I swear I feel like eating aaaaaaaaaaallll daaaaaaaaaaaay loooonnnnngggg and I know for a fact that my dad won't put up with that so I buy alot of food lol. blah. Plus with target cutting everyones hours it will be a while until I have the type of money I did during Christmas, which really fuckin sucks, but what can you do.

well I'm gonna end my relatively short post because i'm not in the thought mood anymore but i hope everyone's v-day was full of chocolates! lol

hey buddy why don't you try to fuckin smile? lol, me and my messy ass room my God, I need to do my laundry! but here is my insomniac look hahaha.

The Redneck lol

yaay! I got a webcam! I look a lil pissed off but that's ok, and that shirt makes me look like a redneck, (with a NY yankees hat) LMFAO!!

Thingamaboper

Wow, been awhile hasn't it? lol. What a horrid gay ass week it has been :) But my life consists about no sleep and insomnia and then waking up in the morning with little energy to do anything but sleep then want to write about something but i don't because I get distracted to do something else then I look out the door to see my dad passed out on the couch watching tv :) hehehe NUM only to look over him and see a cackling witch staring back at me *rolls eyes then I either shut my door for the rest of the day and seclude myself in my room :). anyone breath yet? hahahaha. Sorry I must be delirious out of my mind lol.
N e wayz, like I said what a daily routine it has been for me lately. But the last 2 days of work were pretty gay so maybe I'll talk about that.
Tuesday- Worked 4-10pm, I came into work hungry as hell because dad decided to do his taxes that day and took the fat bitch with him. I came into work bought some boneless chicken wings and potato wedges mmmmmm. Oh yea and I was dropped off early by my aunt and uncle who were having a bitch fit about stupid shit lol. So I came into my job at around 3 pm, just enough time to fill me up and go to work. So I come into work and see my wonderful mexican buddy executive manager of the backroom Carlos/ A.K.A. Taco. I talked to him only to find out that a few people that were coming into work that day had quit lol. soooooo that left me with my "best friend" Eric who was scheduled to leave at 7pm. But the shithead left early and I was alone in the big ass backroom for several hours. Which was boring yet eventful considering I had like 4 breaks hahahaha :P. I didn't get shit done and I was off to the house.

Today (Thursday)- Everything was fine today cept I found out I have no hours next week and I was a translator today for like a billion people lol.

Then of course this week I have to worry about my plan for school. Its too late for night school :( , and my counselor is saying that because of my age they might have to consider me for a GED. OR, take summer school, come back next year with only like 4 or 5 classes leave early....And I have to have a plan soon...I just don't know what that plan is. I mean lets see the scenarios. 1.) I take summer school, come back next year, leave early...2.) Get a GED, which means college soon, which lots of casholas...I dunno plan one seems more logical to me, but plan number seems more wanting to get out then being logical, or maybe it is logical. Either way despite my beautiful intelligence lol and lack of preserverance I don't think I'm going to graduate this year. That's what my only fear is of next year, having to go through this shit again. Having to wake up everyday to something you don't enjoy lol. I wish there was a different way of obtaining what you want, I guess one must go through something they hate to reach what they love. I don't know what the hell happened to me these past couple years, its not about having too much fun because seeing an F on your report card and someone telling you that you won't graduate when you are supposed to is hardly fun trust me. I think what I truly need is to find what I want, and shoot for it. Because right now I only think I know what I want, I mean computers are cool but as a career? maybe...Music is something I love and love to create but competition and the chances of becoming successful in that career is slim to none. Cooking? no...Art? no...Designing? depends... defintely not fashion lol. What the hell else is there? I think I lost something on the way to finishing my school year. I thought maybe I found what I was looking for, maybe I found a goal to achieve, but that goal doesn't interest me anymore. Is that bad? I don't know what the fuck is going to motivate me to do anything, so many people have tried, but it doesn't interest me aim high for nothing. I have to find something to aim for.
Maybe I'm babbling on about dumb things, but that's what I'm thinking right now. I just wonder how things will turn out, hopefully all my dreams come true, hopefully I will get a slap in the face one day that will put me into gear of achieving those dreams, or maybe I want to achieve too much. Sure I have alot of time, but I mean time goes by quickly also, especially when you have no clue what you are doing and you are wasting your time because nothing that you are doing now interests you.

But with all that thought out of the way, I still feel the same. I mean I asked God several times to help me of course, but I guess I must help myself. The future is very important to me, someone once said, "There is no more yesterday, there is only today and tomorrow" I don't feel comfortable knowing that I can fail my future...

wow, on a lighter note, I failed my fucking permit test by 1 question, I passed all my road sign tests, yet I got 6 knowledge questions wrong, and your only supposed to miss 5. When I found out I failed it was like "Gee, another test I failed" it was more noticeable when the lady wrote in bold letters "FAILURE", made me feel all nice and warm inside. Of course I must wait 15 days from that day which is 2/19/06. But God only knows when my dad will take me next, he's so tired and busy all the time, and I felt like I needed to pass this test, because it was the only oppurtunity me and my dad had to go, we had to set aside everything in the day, we waited 2 and half hours standing in line. I felt so tense, the suspense was eating away at me, and I looked over only to see my dad rocking back and forth in his chair like a little kid hehehe, he was nervous for me also. They called my name finally, I asked God, please help me with this test God, let me pass one for once in a lifetime lol. But that difficult ass question was too much for me. When I found out I failed I looked over and shook my head at my dad, who had a "that's ok hijito" look on his face. But I felt so dissapointted, because I failed and God only knows when I will come back to take it. I wish my dad didn't have to wait all that time with me, those fuckers at the DMV expect a parent signature and they expect your parent to be there and shit. Whatever, maybe a stroke of luck will pass me by and I'll go back soon.

I wish I could let you all in on what I'm thinking daily, but time as we all know passes by quickly and I must be awake in a couple of hours. Sorry if the post was long, but hey, thank the time because it could have been longer and i would have been in the mood to talk about everything in my mind hehehehe, good night, and a big kiss to the women I love the most, you know who you are :D

Back and gone again, lol.

What an interesting beginning to the first couple weeks of the year. But yes ppl, I still exist and I'm still alive lol, its just i've tired and I have been waiting for a good oppurtunity to really write something good for my blog you know?
Well here goes my life as of right now. So far this year, things have been goin up and down the last couple weeks. My dad got a new car, which is a temporary car, once the baby is born he will have to get another one, he might give it to me, but I think he is going to need money for the new car so he'll have to sell this one. But anyway, my school, after going so strong for two years without any "ghettoness" without too many fights, have finally hit rock bottom and has turned itself into another annandale high school of race. It all started last monday when a black and spanish guy had a fight after school, afterwards that tuesday, 2 spanish guys grabbed a black guy out of the cafeteria and beat the shit out of him, those 2 getting expelled and that one black guy getting suspended. After that day, all the black ppl started saying that they will choose one spanish guy everyday to "attack", and the spanish guys said the same damn thing. So far though the ones that are involved, are friends of the two guys that started it, and then friends of the black guy who got whooped.
Then something my dad said yesterday kind of made me a little mad but just thoughtful. And since I know my sisters are reading I just wanted to ask your guys opinions. Dad had told me in the car on the way to my job that he thought that I was getting too involved with Zulen, that me and her are too young to be in love and that we should be worried about other things than just loving each other. He also said that when I turn 18 my wife will be born...I mean is there an age limit to love? Is it true what he says that, I will be with 50 other woman in my life until I get married? But he has to remember I'm not him, dad has had many girlfriends I'm sure, because he always tells me about them, but I don't look forward to going out with hundreds of woman. Do you guys think that what I feel for zulen is just a teen love? Or do you truly believe in our relationship. Adults left to right in her family especially have been saying the same, it makes me feel like maybe we are doing something wrong, by just loving each other...But we barely see one another, this past week I saw her for 4 days, after a 3 month period, and before that 3 month period the wait was even longer. I couldn't imagine if we saw each other daily then who knows what ppl would be yelling about, but I just want to know what your opinions are, are we doing something wrong? Should I be worried about other things? But please just tell me what you feel because the last thing I need is a "polished" comment.
But n e wayz, back to school, I have to go to work in about an hour or so. Been saving money, which is good, and I'm still wondering what to do. I've been thinking about a GED, which I would use to go directly to college, but I'm not sure what the consequences are for getting a GED. One of them I'm sure would have to be career related, a GED wouldn't be very impressive to many companies, but I mean is there anyway for me to prove to them that I can do it? Like experience? Would it matter that I have a GED with a 4 year degree in college? I'm not sure, I have to look into that, because I'm truly trying to avoid coming back next year. But we'll see I guess.

And with my dad, dad wants to get another job when the baby is born :(, it'll be like last summer when I never saw him, and everyday I'll have to stay with that fucking lazy ass bitch who is irritating me constantly. Look at this shit, sure she helps dad sometimes, but in the last year she has given her family about 6,000 dollars to come here. And her family is like "don't worry we'll pay you back" ummmm, excuse me? I forgot how long it takes to save money in this country, how fucking naive can you get? so there goes half of dad's money, all towards her two brothers and her sister who only visit her sorry ass like once a month. What the hell man? w/e, it seems to me like dad and her won't last, because dad seems to be getting fed up with it also, but now he's stuck again, like he was a long time ago. He feels he has to stay with her because of the kids, almost just like with mom, because from what I see I don't think they love each other, they just get irritated every other day, or maybe its because she is pregnant. but n e wayz, i need to take a shower, hopefully you guys can answer my questions, :) your the only advice I would truly hear out.

P.S. GO REDSKINS!!!!! 4:15pm today!!

Redskins WIN AGAIN!

The Redskins! YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!! THEY WON 17-10 against the Buccaneers! SEAHAWKS HERE WE COME BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:P