I feel so extremely full today. Food? No, thoughts… The type of thoughts that keep you up all night and make smiles or tears show on your face. The types of thoughts that make you think about the future, and expect the worst or the best from it.
I think about my current situation in my life, after so long, I finally took the time to think about things so thoroughly that it seems awkward to live a life such as this. Even though for many years, its been the same.
To myself I think, 17 years old, still another year left of school that I should have graduated already, 2 loving sisters with such hard lives in which both do not deserve, a father who is still confused about what to love anymore and has 2 kids from another woman, a mother who lives thousands of miles away; suffers from bipolar disorder; haven’t seen in 6 years, a loving girlfriend who also lives far away yet holds my soul at her side…
I feel I have so much to talk about, but there are not enough words and not enough time to speak of them all, I feel restricted in not being able to tell everything to anyone I feel like.
I even think about the way future, it seems so scary to me…Seeing as though I am the youngest of the old generation of my family, if I live to be old I will see everyone that I know die…That day will I feel truly feel alone…I hope when I get old that I have accomplished all my dreams, see everyone I know be happy around me, see the stress lifted off of my dad…see Vanessa and Caroline happily married, have my loving wife next to me, have my children be happy and have what they need to live and more…See my family traditions carry on…and finally…see my mom healthy for the first time in my life. Only then, will I be able to put on my gravestone “Here lies happiness at the end of it all”. But then I think of now, here I am struggling to keep myself interested in such a society that needs a piece of paper in order for you to succeed. Money is paper, diplomas are paper, contracts are paper, why the hell do we rely on lifeless sheets of dead trees in order to keep our society intact? Why can’t life accept those that truly have the skills and personalities to keep our country alive, to keep this society good and clean, just because you had straight A’s or have a huge house in this life does not mean you are better than the person next to you. It troubles me to see such a thing being wanted, and I hate going for something I hate, and what I hate is waking up daily to a life you do not want…
Then I remember all those days I used to have in school. In middle school, when I used to wake up so early in the morning at 4am because my father had to go to work and he was my only ride to school. He used to leave me in a diner, from which I ate breakfast and walked to the nearby hospital. I sat in there for an hour or so and waited until my school opened. Then I remember when me and my dad lost our little abode that year, we couldn’t escape to anyone, so we had no choice but to live in a motel…Even then I still went to school…And now, I live in this nice house, in a nice neighborhood and I hate school, I hate everything it stands for, because they have done so much stupid things to me, even to this day they still bother me, all the teachers, counselors, it feels like they all want to attack me for no reason. Do I look crazy? Shall I show them these writings that I write so vigilantly and show them I have an education to carry on without the grades? No, its never that easy, never…
I wish things were different, seeing all those murders, crimes, disasters, all those people who make our lives worse, I thank God I am not like them or have never been in a disaster.
One day I wish to be truly happy, that way, everyone around me is happy, because if I was truly happy, you would not be reading this right now and your mood would not change to sadness, or think about different things that would lead you to think about the bad and the good of life. No, you would read nothing, and you would be happy, knowing that someone you know and love has nothing to let out, nothing to grieve over, and that makes you at least one bit happier. But unfortunately, we still have our own problems to deal with, but reading something happy will make you forget at least for a split second…and you will smile.
If you have no clue what I’m talking about, I understand, I’ve lived in this body for years and I still don’t know what I talk about. Its all a matter of the future the present, the past, and my mind that bring me to write things as these. That’s another thing about me, you would never think these thoughts would dwell with such a person that is laughing or seems happy all the time. But next time you see a person, happy, sad, angry, anyone for that matter, think about what they hide within themselves, what stories they could tell you about their lives, that is why we are all the same, we all have a story to tell, we all have struggles. And if a person you speak to has a struggle that seems so stupid or so easy to deal with, just think, you’ve never lived their life and they have never lived yours…
But I guess what my point is in this whole thing is, well quite frankly…I think too much, lol. I personally think I pay attention to stupid things, the things that interest me are very different than most people, and maybe that’s why school bores me so much…But what I need is motivation, and saying that my life will be crap if I don’t go doesn’t seem to cut it…I wish I could save this year, but unfortunately no matter what I do this year I will still fail miserably, because of my absences I am required to fail…And I can’t let this happen next year, I musn’t, I can’t stand going in front of my father, who works his ass off in order to support the small part of the family we have left, tell him that I’ve failed yet again…I heard a quote somewhere that really made me think “I have failed so I may succeed” I hope that is true, although I follow quotes that only I make up, that relate to me perfectly, so for me it would be “I shall succeed, because failure is no option for a troubled mind” With this I hope you understand me, read again if you can’t understand the first time. Good night….MIKEY
2 comments:
Mike-
No matter what happens we have each other.
I know it's hard to get motivated when you haven't exactly figured out what you are working for.
But just know that the worse thing in life is to be stagnant. To not work for something is better, or something you dream to become is better...even if its in baby steps. :) (like me...hahahah)
I know it aint easy! It took me YEARS!!! to figure out what I really see myself breathing day in and out...and enjoying.
And now that I found it, I have put myself in a hard situation bc its going to be tough to complete!!! BUT I will not stop.
Having something to look forward too, having something to be proud of is a reason to exist.
CB almost lost himself in the world of being stagnant...but ever since this UPS job he has come to life...being proud...fighting appealing for the workers...his dream is coming true...
That is why I don't fight with him when he tells me he has less hours...bc I know that this job is not just a job to him...it's a career he can see himself doing for the rest of his life.
I know what he would say to u, bc he has said it to me...
You have a clean record, your smart, you can save money towards your goal, you have the support....
Just keep working towards finishing HS first, bc this is a important milestone. You may not see or understand why now...but later down the road u will.
Even people that I know who have recieved a 3.0 or better GPA tell me that they hate going...so ur not alone...
but I believe that life is like a staircase...you must climb one step at a time to reach the top.
Whatever the "top" means to you, it WILL BE. With hard work, preserverance you CAN accomplish anything you want too.
I never thought that I would get a 4.0 GPA, in school.
I didn't think I could do it with having a toddler running around calling me every other second...BUT
I found the time, when I was working night audit. I would love to read about the law, and read about my rights. It's like the light was shining brighter and brighter when I would keep reading. It's like I was working with nature. Does that make any sense?
I wasn't fighting nature anymore. Being rebellious, making dad angry, hating my past, hating mom, all those things were put on pause bc reading and learning about the law made me realize that I DO have a way out of the messes I made, and the past that we all endured. I finally was at peace with nature, and was following my path.
I hope you continue to search. Don't expect all the answers to come to you at one time.
Be patient. ASK the questions...everyday if you have to..get to know yourself, and what your about. And maybe the answers will fall into place.
People worry bc you don't share what is going on in your head. I know you don't want to "burden" people w/ your fears or feelings....but people who love and care about you will be worried if you don't share what is going on. I am so happy that you can talk about it at least here on blogger.
Oh and btw WELCOME BACK!! (from the alien's probing) hahahahah
It stings my heart to think about those times when we not only lost our family, but our home. To think that you were in the middle of all that. As a big sister and my motherly instinct I wish I could of protected you from all of that. I thought so many times of taking you with me. But I knew Dad would never allow that. You were and still are his prized possesion, no matter what. Remember that.
Also remember that no one expects you to be no more than you are right now, Mike. And that is an intelligent, bright, real individual with a heart of gold. What I mean by real, is that at your age, you know more about what life is really about, more than some people will ever know in a whole lifetime.
You are already a better person for realizing that money is just that, paper. And that does not determine how successful or happy one is.
YOu are smart enough to know that even people with big houses or nice cars hide a story behind those fake smiles.
Those things, people can't learn in school. School may be able to teach you certain things, but not how to survive on the streets, not how think the way you do.
So, after getting your diploma. THink how far ahead and how much more successful you will be than those people who just have a diploma, but know nothing about real life?
The real success will come the day you accomplish your dreams, despite the hardships you have survived. Remember that, its not failures. They are hardships, bumps on the road, obstacles, whatever the hell you want to call it. But not failures.
A failure would be a person who gave up. So dont give up, ok?
To me, all the qualities you have now are worth more than that peice of paper. But while a peice of a paper may not be the answer to make your dreams come true, remember that hard work and dedication is. Nothing will fall on your lap. You have to go get it, work hard for it. And at the end of the day, at the end of your life, you can sit back and be proud that at least you went for it. YOu didn't give up, you didn't fail.
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