Handle With Care

Why do I feel as if my life is so fragile right now as if I'm so weak? I'm not in the greatest of times, usually I'm not, but lately I haven't been as strong as I had hoped I would be. I don't know why whenever I become happy, whenever I become strong, and I feel so confident that I can do anything, something always has to bring me down to a complete stop. It could be nothing or something, and I don't know why it happens. Every night I talk to my baby, every night I tell her what's on my mind, last night I told her about my past. Some things are so hard to say, even when someone already knows what they are, or you just don't want to let anyone know. I talked to her about the past, the present, and the future and I realized that throughout my life there has always been something missing, I have no idea what it is, but I feel it, and for some reason lately I've been feeling nervous about the future.
I just talked to my mom on the phone. I figured maybe it would sprout some comfort into me to talk to her. But I can't hear her like that, sometimes it makes me so angry, so uncomfortable, to hear her act the way she does. I say hi, she says hi, and then she gives me lectures about how I should be careful when I swim in the water, I tell her I know that mom (weird way of starting a conversation), and she says, "yea I know and then your Tia was on the phone too". And it hurts to hear that, to hear that her disease still dwells in her mind, it hurts to think that my mother will not be coming back, and I don't mean just physically. I could cry and cry about everything, but I've grown weary from crying, my eyes are forever soaked in salt water from a non-existent ocean in my body.
I thought about my elementary school years, when none of the kids liked me, when I used to cry every night because I had no friends, and I remembered that I told no one. I hide everything inside me with laughter, I hide my whole world inside my heart, and sometimes it consumes me, it doesn't let me grow. I remember even as a kid I used to think about everything, I remember when all those teachers thought I was crazy, and every year in school they would bother me with their tests. I wondered why nobody liked me in school, I never knew why, I figured these kids are too young to dislike anyone right? But wrong, every time I would talk to anyone or act happy or join a group every kid there would look down at me, I would speak to one of them and they would act as if I was not there, I felt so alone, and I could never understand what was so wrong with me that made these kids disgusted of me...So I would come home, and I loved it because finally I would be alone and able to play my games, believe or not I used to play so much because when I played my games I would forget about everything around me, and I would just soak in games. I remember when we moved to centreville and I got my first friend, he loved video games too, he dealt with my moms craziness, he dealt with mine. After he left I never thought I would be able to have a friend like that again.

So why must I go down so harshly, I tell myself everytime I need to lift myself up again, rotting inside my room everyday is not good for me or my health. But I need to find that determination again, because right now I feel lost, and i'm tired of being so lost and so confused, I'm tired of it, its so exhausting to hear yourself think constantly about your whole life, I just want to be like I am when I play games, or talk with my sisters and my baby, I want to laugh all the time and enjoy my life, maybe that's why I've always hated being alone yet I accept it so easily. Just remember I love you all, and I hope that one day I can tame my own madness and just try to live instead of dreading the idea of an unhappy one. But words are words, but what's an action without a word right?