Strength

Another morning rolls by. A steady noise from the computer carries my thoughts in order. The darkness of my room calms my mind and puts it into a trance. I feel tired though a full night of sleep was completed. Sometimes getting ready for work is a hassle, as if every nerve, every joint or muscle in my body tells me to stop. But sometimes its those days that don't require me to fight myself constantly, I want to stop, it feels as if I can't carry myself any further and then I realize why I need to do this. I need to work hard to get where I have to be, even though that is still uncertain. I read my baby's blog and I realize she suffers along with me, every night I sacrifice another day just to hope to gain another one in return in the future. I wish I could tell you how hard it is to not have the woman you love so far from you. I see so many married people here, that take each other for granted, I wish I was able to do that. If I could just come home to her every night life would be so much better, but what can I do?...Maybe God made it this way to help me see what it is this world is missing when two people love each other. Divorce is so easily considered these days, maybe its because our way of life has changed drastically, our lifestyles don't allow for true love...How can you have time to truly love each other when both are working so hard to focus on the future...But you can't always focus on the future I've learned, what about the present? I come home, I try to rest for another day of work, and God knows I don't feel like talking to anyone, or hanging out all night, but I can't let her slip by, I can't let her go, I must make her part of my day or my day is not complete. 3 years of being together is coming by in 2 months. And every year I feel rejuvenated because one of these months I will see her soon, she will give me strength once again. I could careless what happens to me, and that comes from seeing the world as I have seen it, so much more people need more help than I do. Sigh, another sacrifice is bestowed upon me, I must end this writing now, I must force my mind to close even though thoughts still linger, and my hand itches to tell it to you all. Before I go though, one of the main things I've learned, is that to love them you must also respect them, because when the lack of respect for one another sets in, another big fight occurs, more pain and fuel is added to the fights each time, so when do you go when you think all love is over? When you lack respect for one another, because that is something that you can never get back.
I must go now to work, I will probably be late, but I could careless, good bye for now, don't forget what day it is today...JMT

This is why I love Thunderstorms

2 weeks have passed since I acquired this job. And in those 2 weeks I've experienced some of what the adult life has to offer. In the beginning of this month, I've thought about so many things. Sometimes I get angry at myself for being so lazy, because I feel the need to write them down as they happen, those thoughts that sound so pure when they are thought up at first. Then eventually those thoughts are sabotaged by ones' opinions and logic. Well at least in men, lol.
As a kid I always imagined how it would feel to become an adult, and the thought of it scared me. To the point where Peter Pan was my hero, and staying a kid was my primary goal. But every year that has gone by since, I've lost more and more of that innocence. Life forces you to grow with it, or at least our society does. I started thinking about many things at once, it was hard for me to put them all together and it drove me insane, and even now they are hard to comprehend completely. I thought about how life used to be, before money, cities, and technology. I thought was life really so simple back when we thought it was? Its hard to live in a world and a time that has based its society on history. And I say that because that is what we are, we are all part of history, and the world before us. I thought about the different religions, and as a human, I must say it is so hard to truly explain everything that has happened on this planet. But think about it, for the christians, we grew up with our families, who were christian, and that is what we believe in, God. The buddists, grew up with buddists, and that is what they believe in, then the muslims, Jews, and so on. And I noticed many things about this... For one, humans need hope, we need to rely on a greater power when we feel helpless. Second, it is completely wrong to judge another person's opinion because who knows if your's is right to begin with, you might think it is, but several others will think opposite. So why do we insist on forcing beliefs on others? Why do we wake up in the morning everyday to go to work? Because we have lived in this type of society for ages upon ages, but....are you sure its the right way to live? Who says its the right way to live? We do right? No one says a thing, because we are used to it, its a habit, and we live on habits. Believe it or not you truly do have control over your own life, its just the way we live now has pushed that out of existence. In the world we live in now, no one can just travel the world and still be able to eat, because that is our reality, that is not true reality, that is ours the way us humans made it. When cavemen existed someone, yes someone, or something along the way had to have made the world we live in now. Think about it, one day, a long time ago, the way we live started, someone traded, now...in your opinion was that a good idea or a bad one? It lead to the life we live now, we work, we pay taxes, we take care of our young, we get money...It has been so long since the world was without trade that we live in a habit...But shit think about this also, is that the good way or not? Did God or whomever created us intend for us to live like this? What happened to the dinosaurs? Why did God make them extinct? Think for a second, why did he do that? It troubles me that we as humans may never find these answers, and what scares me the most about death believe it or not, is the fact that maybe, just maybe, none of those answers will be given to me when I die...When I die will I know everything I am supposed to know? Will I know how we got here? Why we live? Where do we live? Earth is so small, and the universe is so vast, and we can't make contact with anything else for a reason...Sometimes I think God makes those planets invisible, as if we aren't supposed to know.

But also think about this with me, those cavemen, those explorers in the past centuries, those dinosaurs, now that they are dead, do they know we what we are, what we have done since they have died? Or is God so cruel...? Maybe that's why hindu's believe in reincarnation, because they can't for a second believe our creator could be so horrible as to not let us know what we are here for or what we will become...That's the only thing that scares me about death, is that maybe just maybe none of my questions will be answered, or that when I die I will forget about everything about this life now, I hope our God is not so cruel...He creates ghosts, and images in our head, but is that just us? Is that what we are supposed to see? I wonder why he lets us ask so many questions...but during the course of the day you forget about these questions, when u are working, getting laid, getting drunk, playing games, you don't think about the end of the fucking world and why we are in it you think about other things...People are so fascinated about animals, but to me, humans are the most amazing creatures in the world, I never said we are good, but we are truly amazing, even though some of what we have created is evil, think about what we have accomplished, I don't see a fucking monkey creating a telescope, lol. But that's the thing, we have created more evil then good unfortunately, but the good we have created has amazed us. If what the bible said is true, God created his image as a human, but who knows, maybe the animals have their own version of God. But I feel a prescence as I write this down, something must be up there, something is giving power to us all, something up there created a world in which we can live in and think about...

In pains me so deep inside, that I might not see the future, because that is my dream, I want to see what happens, I want to see what we become, if what we are doing now is worth the years to come. I want to see that me working everyday for the next 100 years is actually worth it, I want to see what we find out...And I think about death so little, but when I do think about it I don't get scared of what I die from, I get scared of what will happen after, what if what the bible says is true, and that i've committed sin, and I'm going to hell, or what if what we think is evil is really good, I mean its such a crazy question but think about it, from what we have learned as a culture, society, and as humans we only keep creating more questions, they will never end, but you know what? Its always good to ask...Because whoever it is up there that created us, gave us a mind, a mind so powerful that we have created magnificent things, amazing things, and I hope God is not mad at me for writing such things, as to question his existence, but if he is who the bible says he is then he will understand...

This is what I think about when I look at the sky, when I feel the cool breeze and watch the trees sway back and forth with their leaves turned backwards. This is why I love thunderstorms, this is why I love life.