I look at him and I wonder what he thinks about. Even though I barely talk to him during the day I am worried about him. Constantly watching tv, arguing with ayde, getting angry at the kids, and of course getting stressed out. And unfortunately for me, when he gets stressed out he likes to take it out on me for some reason, I guess it makes him feel better, but I hope he realizes it just hurts me. I'm trying to hear, I hope you do good in school mike, or congrats on getting into nova or i'm glad you didn't give up...But instead he constantly tells me i need a new job and yells at me for not cleaning my room, thats why i always close my door, cuz whenever i try to say hi to him the first he does and tells me to clean my room and blah blah blah blah. all day everyday, but i know deep inside he is worried about something. I know my dad, I've lived with him for almost 20 years, its too bad that during those 20 years I haven't had the chance to develop a friend type relationship with him. I mean I try to sometimes and it never works, I mean I try to talk to him but either he doesn't listen to me or he just spaces out. Maybe that's why I just stopped trying. But though I did, I'm still worried about him, for some reason he doesn't look happy, and that troubles me. It bothers me every minute thinking my dad is unhappy, i'm sure the fact that ayde is prego doesn't help the situation, it must really be getting to him. I truly hope he is ok, I wish he could tell me what was wrong, I wish I could ask him without getting a stupid comment like Mike your crazy you don't know what your talking about. But he's my dad, and unfortunately I really thought that maybe one day I would be able to warm up to ayde. But as days go by I seem to hate her more and more and more. She wants another kid and she can't even take care of the ones she has now. At night my dad is the one that has to wake up to feed daniella or help gabriel fall back asleep, when my dad has to wake up at 4:30 am to go to work. Its not fair, and she thinks its a fucking joke, she laughs everytime someone asks her, so what are you gonna do now? And she makes a stupid ass comment, trying to be a smart ass. I'm so sick of this, I really am. I'm trying so hard to focus on other things, but I have to see both of them like this every fucking day and it really urks me. Especially when my dad takes it out on me and I know its not me, he's worried about something else when he does that. And its worse that I dont know what to do about it, I mean really what can I do? All I can do is watch them, observe them, listen to them, like I've been doing for so long. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish that ayde was a "normal" version of my mom. and I thought i could cope with the fact that my dad found a new woman, but I can't, because she is a bitch, she is nothing but a fucking bitch and I can't stand her anymore, I really fucking can't...And she's trying to use me as her little pawn also, trying to make me drive her to maryland, the store, take care of the kids. I mean fine the store, i'll help you out, but when you want me to wake up at 4 in the morning just to take you to a pathetic stupid ass job that you barely make money in, hell fucking no, and she knows i need to go to school...i could stand her when she wasn't trying to constantly annoy me, but now she is pissing me off, and this baby thing is just making it worse. And through all of this I see Daniella, and Gabriel...Both so young and have no idea what is going on...and the fact that ayde and my dad do not truly love each other is a serious factor that will affect these kids lives in the future and i hope someone realizes that...but once again...what can i do? I can't drag her away, i can't force my dad to find someone else, i can't support those kids myself, so what the fuck can i do? All i can do is hope, hope that soon, things will look better, because for a while they haven't been looking so good.
And damn it I miss my dad, I miss spending time with him, I miss being his sidekick, it feels like its over now, and I just hope that God will allow my dad to be happy again, whatever way that may be. This is partly why I'm going to school, because I need to see my dad look at me as I get up there to get my degree, that is my dream, and if that doesn't happen I don't think I would ever be happy either...
Sometimes I get so friggin depressed when I think about one day my dad won't be there anymore...and it really scares me...i don't know if I could ever handle that with just tears...I don't know if every tear that trickled down from my eyes could do the justice of how scary that would be...or even with my mom...sometimes life is cruel before it even does anything to you...Sometimes I ask myself why do I think about those things? And it just makes it worse, because my answer always is...because one day it will happen...That's why is hurts me to see him like this, at least his kids give him strength, i see the glow in his eyes whenever he speaks to one of my sisters, he loves you both with all of his heart, he talks about what he worried about with both of you everyday...And whenever he sees daniella and gabriel he looks as if he is where he should be...he is that type of man, the man that feels reviatilized with the sounds of his children...
And with me I think he is worried that I will give up, or that I will make a bad decision...I know he misses me too...I think I miss lots of people...Sometimes sacrifice is too much, because the things I have to sacrifice to be successful in life seems a little too much at times...Right now I'm going to school and working, and I can't talk to Zulen as much, I barely talk to my dad, I barely see Caroline and her kids, now I see Vanessa once in a while, and before I know it 4 years will be gone and my nieces and my nephews will grow up so friggin fast...Sometimes I don't understand why things have to be this way, why do I have to go through this to be successful, if it was for me I wouldn't do it...I'm doing this for my future, I'm doing this for my kids and my baby, because I could care less where I end up, but I'm doing this so I can support them with all i have and they would know that I tried...I'm doing this so I can hug my dad in my cap and gown and he can finally be proud of me...I wouldn't miss his reaction for the world...And I know its going to be so hard, I just never knew how hard it would really be, and this is only the beginning...I hope my dad will be ok, I hope all the suffering we have done in our lives...will be worth it in the kingdom of heaven...
3 comments:
i'm really worried about dad too. i think about the future and its so blurry. i think what if she does go away, will she take them with her? that would kill dad...and then what if she goes away and leaves them, what would dad do with 3 kids and no one to help take care of them? at his age...having another baby. he'll have to work his ass of for the rest of his life.
i dunno mike. they say things happen for a reason..but this time i just don't see a bright side to this. dad is really stressed, i can tell too. sorry he's taking it out on you. and he does love you i swear, he talks about you to us but never to you. dad is just like that...he can be very hard on us too just as much as he loves us. we as parents are not perfect and sometimes don't realize the damage we do to our kids, until its too late.
you know that day i was over at your house dad said something about maybe starting a business in bolivia and stupid bitch laughed at him. that pissed me off so much, you have no idea i wanted to slap her. it reminded me so much of mom, the way she would insult him and laugh at him and make him feel like shit. i wish so much that he had someone who truly loves him and supported him. see how important this is in life?
when you are looking for the "one", people look for looks,convience, how much money the other person makes...stupid shit that really in the long run won't matter.
i don't think any of us can help in this situation. i just hope to god that he gives dad strength to move forward.
yes we talk everyday on the phone lol... But I leave comments cuz I collect my thoughts better in writing :)
You know, if that selfish B**** does do something dumb like leave with those babies, I'll bet my left leg she won't be able to give them shit. She is being selfish, but I don't think she would take them knowing that she can't offer them anything. At least a good mother would think of that before making a stupid ass decision like that. As far as her thinking you're her little cab driver, tell her to FUCK OFF. She can fucking get a job closer to home or something, AGAIN I-N-C-O-N-S-I-D-E-R-A-T-E!
It's easier said than done, but when you see he is tired and cranky, do anything you think you can do to relieve the stress. Try keeping your room neater, maybe he will ease up on you.It's not that big a mess anyway. Even if he does still take things out on you, you know he doesn't mean it. You are a good son baby. You adore him and he adores you.
And Vanessa is right... This is something he has to face, and it sucks to feel powerless. I know you want to make it go away for him. You feel all that tension everyday. Pray for him and support him in any way you can.
I love you.
She was always selfish.
She pushed her way in our house in Moline and boom! she was there one day.
I look at her like...
Oh, your the homewrecker. Sorry, I know that's harsh...but...she was selfish like that. I member when her and Chris got into it one day she flipped shit and called dad and demanded him to pay for a cab ride to MD....from VA!!!! She said she felt "threated" which was bs. Yeah he was yelling..but he knew she was full of shit and that's why he did what he did. And she was fucked up because another time they fought she ended up hitting Chris...he still wants to get back at her for that. I can't say I blame him.
I think with Mom it was easier for Dad to kind of make decisions for her. She would never take a stand like that. She would just give in to what he wanted about things of that nature. I member one crazy episode...I don't member if Vanessa members. But when I pass by this place it's in Fairfax...I get chills.I member Mom being real upset.
And you are right about Gabby and Daniella and the baby...they are innocent in this. I just hope that everything turns out ok.
We are VERY proud of you. I think it's awesome that you took initiative and committed to this opportunity. Because really right now it's the best time to do it and get it out of the way...the payoff is in the future.
Then, you will feel better.he's upset about this situation, he's worried about money, space, working more!! I mean people half his age are doing that...Having 3 kids.
He can't keep up with that. It's alot! I mean I know dad...he will do everything he can
But - nonetheless with someone like her it seems like she chooses not to think about those things.
She leaves it up to Dad. He has to hold her hand and tell her the right thing to do. No wonder she has that annoying pet name for him.....Dad..
I think Zulen's right .. clean ur room a little and at least let him know that you are listening. I know it's hard for guys to "talk".. I hate to hear that things are so hard there. Ecspecially now that your focus should be in your studies...this stuff makes it hard too. I'm sorry Mike. Maybe it's good that your going to school and working at least it will leave you less time in being in that situation with keister
It sux that Dad can't talk about it. I'm sure he doesn't even know what to say. It's so fregin unexpected. I don't know how to bring it up with him because he would never come out and tell me.
I would have to approach him.
Maybe we should all go out for lunch Sat maybe we could ask him
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