I feel something so close to me right now...It is a prescence I haven't felt for months. A prescence of darkness...It feels as if something is guiding me through this night even though my mind is fast asleep. My thoughts are racing as they never have before, the night is shifting so quickly inside my head and the prescence keeps pushing its way inside me. It is so heavy, it feels as if my heart is being grabbed and my shirt is being tugged and tugged, the eerie thoughts of fowl memories brings my head and down and opens up a world in which I've kept shut for many months now...I can't hold it any longer...
It was so many months ago, it feels as if years have gone by, I did it and I did not understand why I did what I had done. To this day I still do not believe why it felt right at the moment, how could I possibly have done this so carelessly? My mind was going in circles not focusing at any moment, not taking the rest of my body into mind.
I remember that night that I had told her, she already expected it...I heard her heart break at the other end of the phone, I listened to her cry as she has never cried ever in front of me...I swear to you that every tear that dropped down her cheek was felt through me...She was so in love with me...and I broke her...The very girl I've dreamnt about since I was old enough to know what a girlfriend was...The same girl who I saved...The same girl who saved me...I felt her words shatter my sould piece by piece, the way she cried stroke a song of agony inside my heart that can still be heard today within me...That night we tore each other apart even though we never realized it...That night I felt the same prescence near me that I do now...but I ask myself why do I feel it again, why does it return to haunt my very existence ever again? It feels as if it is a warning... I feel like a warning has been given to me...I am trembling because of this prescence that I feel but do not understand nor can I see...After that night I realized that karma would come to get me eventually...Is this prescence warning me that soon I will pay? ........................I feel very bad about this month.............I hope I am just crazy.
1 comment:
I know I have been silent and in the shadows. I couldn't understand why until I read what you wrote. I have been trying hard to find a way of seeing you soon. It's been a long time. I miss you. It's crazy though, to me that heavy sadness, that expectation of heartbreak... I had forgotten it. I haven't thought of those times for a long time. It really does seem like years have passed. It's not in my nature to forget, but I think I have been able to let go of all of that, I HAVE been able to forget. I don't cry anymore, I don't feel confused. It faded, all the bad times have faded and my heart has healed. But I know yours hasn't. You carry those memories in you everyday, they haunt you. None of that matters anymore baby. Those memories are the past. They are gone.
Last night, I saw the same expression on your face. The one you'd get when we talked and you saw me cry... I know I hurt you. I hurt you when I cried. I knew you loved me, I knew you cared for me, and I let you see my hurt. That was my biggest mistake. You shouldn't have had to see that. It was selfish of me.
I love you, more than anything else in the world. I know you love me too. And nothing is bigger than that. Not even karma... Karma has no place in this, you've hurt enough. Don't be afraid of something that's not there.
And yes... You ARE just crazy.
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