I asked myself the same question over and over and over again since I've met her...Whenever I saw her I never thought that one day she would change my whole life, she would help me grow...
Through her I realized what a relationship takes, that the heart beats for a reason other than just giving us life, it beats so you may share your life with others...
Whenever I am gone for a long time during the day she calls me repeatedly to find out where I have been, she worries so much about me...
.......Though I have been asleep these past few hours I have still been crying the whole night. I am with her and the world is our friend not our enemy, when I'm with her it seems like everything I've done in life is already accomplished, I don't have to look any further...
Someone once told me I have no idea what love is because I am still young, but how can that be when everyone has their own idea of love...That's all I hear all day, that I am too young, but they don't realize that I am not like other people... The world to me is so much more than what we think we see, when you look at a tree what do you see? Do you see a tree? I see different, I see life, a part of the world, a cycle that has existed for millions of years between trees and the Earth.
Life has made me feel alone my whole time on this planet...From sitting by myself everyday in the school cafeteria, to having my sisters move out, to my mom and the person that I cry about taken so far away from me that I can't hug them whenever I want to...
I look at her on the webcam...Her lips so pink, her eyes so full of heart, her face so beautiful, all I have to do is say hi and I can make her smile...
I thought it would be so easy...To wait for her... But I find that its eating away at me little by little every passing minute...I hate feeling alone, my heart hurts, my head hurts from thinking, my eyes have run out of tears, and yet the clock still runs, the world still shifts, and I start to feel like I'm growing apart...
She is missing the best time in my life...both my mom and her...
Whoever said money isn't everything obviously didn't live in this future...
When she cries my heart sinks, I have broken her heart before, and when she cried I felt the crack...
My God baby, if only the world knew how much I miss your touch, your smell, your soft skin...
Sometimes I think maybe God separated us because we would be too perfect for each other, its like we have to do a great deal of suffering before we are happy.
That's fine God, but to the point where my heart feels like bleeding? To the point where I feel leaving this place for good? To the point where my past haunts me and I have to feel that horrible loneliness again?
Stop doing this to us, you shouldn't break good people...
I don't want other woman, I don't want their crap, I don't want their touch, I want her, and I can't even have her, I'm tired of having to hide from her parents, I'm tired of not being able to touch her or hug her when she is crying or feeling down, I'm tired of breaking her heart because I'm sick of it all...
Sometimes I think maybe I don't deserve her, maybe my dad's curse has transferred to me, its as if I've been starving this whole time and someone dangles a piece of meat lets me taste it and never gives it back...
...I have nothing else...to say.
2 comments:
I'm sorry you're feeling this way Mike. I wish there was something I could say that I haven't said before. I once felt as you did and decided to drop everything and just go follow my heart, only to find it wasn't really the answer. Then I was miserable because I missed you guys and wanted my life back. I don't really know what the answer is, long distance relationships are hard. It's not like she can come here either. If she was any other girl I would tell you the same thing that you are too young and don't waste your time waiting because there will be others, many others that will break your heart and you their's...but I know she is different. She's very special and you guys truly love each other. I hope you can find a way to at least see each other soon. My advice to you is to not be afraid of the future, of defying your parents or missing a semester of school...none of that. Love is sacrifice. You just have to ask yourself how much you are willing to sacrifice of your lives, of yourselfs. If the answer is indefinte, then you are meant to be with each other. If it's not, then it's going to end at the line you draw for yourselves.
I don't know if I made any sense. :(
SO many times I have asked myself this very same question, why do the good suffer? The only answer that I have found from the entire time I have been living is that we are all susceptible to pain, heartbreak bad things happening. No matter how good we are, life can be good, great, and bad or sad..It’s the way it is. Very cliché – but very true. It’s the way we handle our obstacles, our problems our stress that define who we are and what we will become. Discipline, loyalty, those are some principles and values that people hold on too and carry out each day but to say that thoughts, or visions or dreams of another “life” never happen would be a lie. We always think about the things that WE DON’t have. We could have a million more than the other and find ourselves yearning for just that “one thing”….Maybe we believe if we obtain everything, we will find true happiness. But, such as life… It throws us for a loop; obstacles come in our once “clear” path. People change, and grow and sometimes grow apart. Love doesn’t always last forever. You are fortunate to have fallen in love with a good person and she is also – I don’t think that there is any doubt in any of our minds about this. But, we are human. We have needs. We need the closeness to feel whole. Especially when there are holes in our hearts. Especially when we love that person so much and just want to touch them to know that it’s real…not just in our imagination. There is nothing wrong with wanting to give in to your needs – we are human. We are not as strong as we think we are. Mother nature alone could wipe us out in a second. We are creatures adapting to an environment that we were thrown in too. But, always before acting – think about what YOU could lose, or what consequences will follow. I don’t think that you or Zulen are foolish for picking each other. Both of you are great, caring people. Actually, you and Zulen are so ahead of me…when I was your age I REALLY didn’t know what love was. I know that you and Zulen have much more to experience both individually and together. But, know one thing. Even if you were to let each other go now…..true love would reunite your paths again. I don’t know how effective it would be to go against your parents wishes or both of your responsibilities, after all both of you are where you are at NOW because both of you made a lot of sacrifices already and still need to accomplish goals individually. But, know that during the tears, the pain, the strength of your love grows. It does not weaken. The time apart that you have, is forcing you to only keep the “great” memories and most importantly the appreciation grows. I am fortunate enough to see my husband everyday – but as you see….that is not the answer either. We were the exact opposites. We pushed everyone away because we found everything (so we thought) in each other….and though we have found a lot….years down the road the effects were already growing. We just didn’t see it. We ended up still not feeling whole. So as you see that is the extreme on the other end. In the middle, we find our balance, in the middle that is really where we find our happiness. I trust that both of you will make the right decision.
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