Sometimes I look into the sky during those cloudy stormy nights, and I wish I could be a part of those clouds. They get to go as they please, vanish as they wish, the clouds travel all around the world and with that stormy weather brings a certain soothing feeling that I just love. Lately I feel rather strange, on certain days during the past few weeks I feel as if my thoughts have been taking me places inside my head that I have kept locked for a while. My dreams have become violent and unpredictable and there is a shift in the air that is keeping my body tilted instead of balanced. There are even days that my negativity has surrounded me so profoundly that my mind is engulfed in depression. I go online and I read some of the descriptions of my symptoms and it scares me to think that I might be going nuts...I read about bipolar disorder. It states about 4-6 different states of mania that the person can experience, and as I read each description my mothers actions came into play and unfortunately some of my symptoms showed up as well. I kept reading about the controversy of bi-polarism and the strange yet true fact that most so called geniuses of our era and the past have been diagnosed with some sort of bi-polarism. It has also been linked to creativity yet no one knows why...
It made me wonder...What price do you have to pay for being different in this world? What price do you have to pay for letting yourself ask questions about life?
As I kept reading, it also stated that the disorder begins around my age and becomes full blown during the mid years of a person's life.......
And as I read and read I pictured myself in my mother's shoes, the mood swings.....I can't control my moods, I really can't...One minute I could be happy and the next I could be completely depressed....Yet I noticed that it only happens when I'm alone...
Maybe I am just paranoid about the whole situation, but the fact of the matter is, I do feel very strange lately, and nothing I do can help it.
Its been 8 months since i've seen you baby....and i'm going crazy without you...I'd rather be going crazy with you than to have you hear me depressed on the phone again...I swear sometimes it feels as if we are trapped,
My heart and my mind beg for your presence because my mind doesn't believe me when I tell it that I have seen an angel before and yet when my eyes meet yours, it knows i'm telling the truth. I love you.
1 comment:
I have been researching too Mike. There has been something wrong with me too. For far too long. There is some help if you need Mike. There is a place that is from the county called Woodburn. If you need to say that you are a Fairfax county resident use my address. But, basically they try to talk to you diagnose you and give you some medication. Caroline O is going there and taking the pill Lexapro go in WebMd, there is some good notes about this. But, she tells me that she was to the point of being suicidal and now a lot has improved. Her and me are not fighting but getting along like we used too. She just got a promotion from her job too because her boss is seeing the changes too. I have never been the pill poppin type - but sometimes we need a little help. Sometimes there is a chemical imbalance that we need to "balance" and the only way we know how right now is by using some pills. I haven't talked to you or Vani about this - I went to talk to someone not really a therapist but just a regular doc and we talked about this a little. Because mom has had it, we are susceptible to getting the same thing. More testing and research is finding that these disorders can be genetic too. But, you are right feeling really high one day and then the next feeling real low is not normal. That is actually why I went to go see someone. There are facilities in Reston, Springfield, and one on Gallows, which I was told there are real "crazy" people there. But, I don't think that's what I'm feeling. I just have a lot of high's and low's the same things you explained. The doc also told me that what I eat and my daily activity and stress level contribute to what I am feeling. I have never had anxiety attacks but this is something the doc touched base on. Mom had those, more like panic attacks. I hear that the medication is about $10 bucks a month and they help with the rest. It is something worth looking into, if it betters your life that is. The side effects that she told me about are feeling dry mouth in the beginning. But as you know, this is so much better then what we are feeling now. I have tried going to the gym and though this does help a lot.... the mood swings are becoming more severe. Let me know what you think. All your work will pay off Mike and I mean that for you and Zulen too. Don't stray away from your goals because one day you will be together again and will be able to live in the rewards of your patience. But, I know.... maybe a visit is exactly what you need to rejuvenate your spirit. I wish both of you love and happiness, and am here to support you. Hope you know that always. :)
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