There are days when I feel like I don't try enough, or that we don't try enough to see each other as much as we could. But then I remember everything else that is in our way. Some days I feel like we should just get it over with, be with each other. My heart feels heavy, my mind is pensive, all I can think about is how marvelous life would be if I could just be with you always now instead of having to wait until our future is secure. Its funny to say that to myself, that if I wait that we will have better lives, but will we? At least for me, I know that if I had you by my side, it would feel like I know what I need to do in life, I want to take care of you, give you what you need like you have done for me all along. Being in this room all day certainly does not raise my spirits, hearing you say that you won't be able to see me this year again flattened it. Hear I thought telling your parents would be so great, that life would be different, I even absorbed some of your optimism. But alas, here we are, in the same position we have been in for years, and hurts me as I know it hurts you. It seems like there is nothing we can do, like you said, we see so many people that don't love each other that get to see one another every day. And here we are battling to just get another chance to spend time, to bathe in the feeling of clarity and greatness that we bring to each other...
I feel sick, desperate, anxious to grab whoever controls life by the balls and rip them out. What more can we possibly do to be with each other in peace? How can true love ever exist in a world full of hate, obstacles, and sadness.
I just wish your parents could understand you, just once try and listen to you, I always told you that I felt suspicious of their reaction towards me. I have that sense, most people do, I was trying to be happy, trying to be blind to that feeling that they are still going to be the same. It amazes me how must distrust they have towards you, in their own daughter. They think of you as a child, who has no real idea of how the world is, and they think that you will learn in the vicinity of the house. They fill your head with all these things a wife must do, cook, clean, I don't need a slave I need the second half of my heart. If only I could see you without having to worry how long it will until the next time, if only that were possible now. That's why unfortunately I go to school with such distain, go to work with such disgust, it seems as if I have to do so many things I hate just so I can get to what I love. Life does not make any sense, I never understood why it always had to fill one with such hope and then destroy it just so we can learn. If I have learned anything about love, it wasn't from life, it was from you...
One day my love, one day I hope to take this weight off of my chest, one day the tears will run down my face for happiness, I just pray that day is soon, I hope someone up there is listening to us...J.M.T.
