There are days when I feel like I don't try enough, or that we don't try enough to see each other as much as we could. But then I remember everything else that is in our way. Some days I feel like we should just get it over with, be with each other. My heart feels heavy, my mind is pensive, all I can think about is how marvelous life would be if I could just be with you always now instead of having to wait until our future is secure. Its funny to say that to myself, that if I wait that we will have better lives, but will we? At least for me, I know that if I had you by my side, it would feel like I know what I need to do in life, I want to take care of you, give you what you need like you have done for me all along. Being in this room all day certainly does not raise my spirits, hearing you say that you won't be able to see me this year again flattened it. Hear I thought telling your parents would be so great, that life would be different, I even absorbed some of your optimism. But alas, here we are, in the same position we have been in for years, and hurts me as I know it hurts you. It seems like there is nothing we can do, like you said, we see so many people that don't love each other that get to see one another every day. And here we are battling to just get another chance to spend time, to bathe in the feeling of clarity and greatness that we bring to each other...
I feel sick, desperate, anxious to grab whoever controls life by the balls and rip them out. What more can we possibly do to be with each other in peace? How can true love ever exist in a world full of hate, obstacles, and sadness.
I just wish your parents could understand you, just once try and listen to you, I always told you that I felt suspicious of their reaction towards me. I have that sense, most people do, I was trying to be happy, trying to be blind to that feeling that they are still going to be the same. It amazes me how must distrust they have towards you, in their own daughter. They think of you as a child, who has no real idea of how the world is, and they think that you will learn in the vicinity of the house. They fill your head with all these things a wife must do, cook, clean, I don't need a slave I need the second half of my heart. If only I could see you without having to worry how long it will until the next time, if only that were possible now. That's why unfortunately I go to school with such distain, go to work with such disgust, it seems as if I have to do so many things I hate just so I can get to what I love. Life does not make any sense, I never understood why it always had to fill one with such hope and then destroy it just so we can learn. If I have learned anything about love, it wasn't from life, it was from you...
One day my love, one day I hope to take this weight off of my chest, one day the tears will run down my face for happiness, I just pray that day is soon, I hope someone up there is listening to us...J.M.T.
1 comment:
It hurts me to know that you are hurting so much. This blog is my only real connection to you, we have so little time to really sit down and talk and I feel like I wish I could be there for you more. I'm sorry I am not, I am sorry. I can hear it in your words that you are reaching out for answers, for some hope, for some clarity to what move you need to make next in your destiny.
I don't know all the details, I cannot imagine how you feel, or how Zulen feels - because I have never been far apart from the person I love, I take for granted the things I have been blessed with I really do, and when I read how you and Zulen are tormented by even the thought about not being together, just moves me. It makes me realize how strong and powerful and beautiful love is. How in the times of despair that one thing could raise our spirits. How one person can be the difference for us to be happy, or down.
I neglected my love, and it is so refreshing to hear from both of you how much you are fighting to be with each other, and wanting to as well. Your right, so many people, don't see it. Take it for granted.
I do know how it is to have to work for everything - so many times during the course you feel like your drifting to another horizon, you feel lost, you wander and think about where you should go next. You feel like you want some sort of recognition of the hard work being put in, so you can say that it at least exists. There have been many times I have not felt whole, centered and as you know I took the plunge into making changes in my own life. Some good, Some bad, but without one or the other I wouldn't be where I am today. All the good, bad, heartache, anger, pain, despair, happiness, insanity, that has come across my way has made me into who I am today. What do I see from where I am standing? Am I proud of how I got here? Would I do anything differently?
I see the life that I built, wether some agree or disagree it is my life, the choices that I made, the plunges that I sought after are right in front of me. I have a husband who is loyal, selfless, would sacrifice and do anything for this family this he has already proven to me, I have 2 boys that are my life, whom I adore, whom motivate me more then anyone even myself. But the road has been a bumpy ride.
It took so much for me to learn some of the most important and essential lessons in life, and of course there are more...it took time, consistency, and of course I learned by actions. I have had to push myself even when I thought I had no more to give, I found the strength. Maybe it was my will, my stubborness my wantingness to prove everyone who said we were nothing realize how wrong they were. Who knows, I don't. All I know is that without taking the plunges nothing would of happened. I would have been stuck. I would have been depressed staying somewhere I felt I did not need or want to be in anymore.
I had love that surrounded me, you, Vani, Dad, and even at times Mom. But the pain, and the despair and the bad times made me feel like life was unbearable. I saw our family literally falling apart in front of my eyes and I could not bare the sadness I felt. Eventhough the support the love I had around me should have been enough I felt like a stranger to my world, I felt like I needed to learn something to get out of my bubble and prove to myself that I had the ability to change things in my situation. I did not want to follow a plan, I thought plans were for suckers and that I would be the captain to my ship and no one would get in my way or help me navigate through it. I thought I was making all the right decisions and I kept making some wreckless ones.
Though if I had the perception that I did now - it would have been different.
But that is what life is. When you start to question thing's usually you are ready to make a plunge. What kind of plunge? I am not sure. I feel like there are different lessons to be learned for each individual because we are not at all at the same pace. You have so much more wisdom then I did at your age. I was sucked up into the fun, the craziness, the freedom, the free spiritness, but through those times I learned so much about myself and ultimately am here working hard to make ends meet because I did not invest in myself completely.
If I could do one thing differently, it would be investing more in my future. This house, this dream that we all work so hard for could have been a lot easier if I would have had a plan and stuck to it. Everyday I drop my little ones off I think in the back of my head how about if I would have had the stability to start my own business where I wouldn't have to drop them off in someone else's care, someone else embraces them when they are sad, someone else enjoys their "first times" - again, it is different for everyone. But, again I wish I would have seen the importance in investing in myself.
Yes, the person that you love is a support. Yes, they are trustworthy and reliable, but in a relationship it takes 50/50, for a balance both people have to be happy both have to feel as they are contributing, both have to feel respected into what their contributions are, both have to fulfill their dreams and ambitions. When you don't you live with a lot of regret. Even the love you have for each other will be overshadowed by this damn urge, if you do not complete what they are. And of course you don't stop at one goal, one day you will live a life together where you will be able to include the other person in your dream and essentially work together to obtain it.
There is no easy answer, no cut and dry plan that guarantees you to get from point A to point B, but as dad says there are "tools" that will help you along the way. Like a college education. I am trying my damnest to obtain my degree now, it is only now that I realize how important this is. It's not going to secure a easy route, it simply gives you an option. And in life options are important, they are vital. It can be the difference between making ends meet to living the life you deserve.
Both of you are strong, dependable, and are really thinking these things out. I admire and respect that out of both of you. You are trying your hardest to make the right decision. And your love shines, it shows so clear as a blue sky. I only understand how a parent's perspective is because I am one. If I wasn't I wouldn't get it either. Let's face it, some things we have to learn for ourselves by actually living it. But I can tell you, raising your kid is a task. You want to do all the right things but sometimes end up doing the wrong ones, You want so much for this little person (s) who came from you that you are willing to do anything to obtain it. You want to be their security net, you want everything you never had for them. This is why any parent would be cautious.
I'm sorry if my words did not soothe you, I hope they did, nothing would make me more happier to see you happy, and to see you fulfill your dreams.
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