Wow, hell of a day today. Some moron hit my car when it was parked, I was told to hide from the owner of my job when I came to work without a hat, I had to drive in the rain with a busted driver side view mirror, and eventually I will lose my job.
Such a wonderful turn of events really. To those people who are not used to sarcasm, fuck you :D.
There are so many things on my mind right now that I would love to talk about, so many different ways that I could express them in such a way that you would understand them. For the past few weeks I have had some trouble sleeping with a certain thought in my head (and I mean that literally). Bad sleep=bad days.
After 4 years of on and off meetings with each other, years that have been met with happiness and sorrow, years of praying that one day we might have the opportunity to finally be able to breath the same air for longer than 2 weeks at a time. That opportunity has come, but of course that opportunity has come at a cost that has my heart skipping twice a day, and my mind racing twice more.
For my whole life, my sisters have been there to comfort me, my mom on her good days loved me with all her heart, and my dad did the same yet he had little time to express it. There were memories that I wish had never been placed in my head in the first place, but the memories that last forever are the memories that matter. I have seen my family struggle in some of the most intense situations. Even though my whole family was older than me by many years, I was always hoping to be as much as part of it as anyone else, and they never forgot about me.
I look at my dad right now, getting older and more tired as the days pass, yet his smiles let you know that he is still the same inside. He is the most honorable man I have met, his heart is dedicated to his family in such a way that it is shared equally among us without anyone feeling the least bit left out. I look at him and I see a lot of myself in him that I never have before, the way we communicate, the way we handle certain situations. Even now, he has another 3 kids to look after, and he still finds the time to worry about all of us. I have seen pain in my dad's before, I have seen how he reacts when one of his children are hurt, I have seen him worry day in and day out about everyone. At one point in my life I vowed never to hurt him in any way. Me and him used to go everywhere with each other, we even slept in the same bed for a very long time.
Now I myself am getting older, I see things differently than I used to, I view the world as carefully as I can, but his guidance is still vital to me.
Now this opportunity presents itself....
If it was any other family I would have taken the liberty to not even bother with such worries, if it were any other family my decisions would not require such careful attention.
My heart is made up of so many things I hold dear in this world, it has always been my goal since I was a little kid to not hurt those I love, whenever I do such things my heart takes a beating.
And now....my heart is caught in the middle of a debate that I can not win. How can you tell your heart to calm down when all it hears is love? How can you tell your brain to slow down when it can not catch up with your heart?
I realize that as I have grown older, my personality has changed along with me, and I have noticed that I am not like some other people my age. Which is why I don't have many friends in the first place, I am not one for bullshit conversations, or small talk that leads to no where. I can notice a jerkoff a mile away, or a whore 2 miles of away (depending on if she opens her legs). My sense of humor has either been the center of attention or has been up for questioning. I have been one to fall to depression easily, and I rarely talk to anyone about my private life. I have never been satisfied by talking about my own problems, I only do so the people I love know I am fine. I have never taken a drug in my life in the fear that I will dissappoint my father or others I care in a big way. I don't enjoy going to clubs as much as others, I do enjoy parties but only if I know other people. At times I can be extremely boring, and other times I can be fun.
Yet in all those things that make me the person that I am, nothing else fills that which is me so much as the love I have for the people I love.
I love my dad with every inch of my soul, even with is struggles with money he has given me and my sisters everything that we NEED in life. Even though I have no ability to speak of such things outloud, I know he knows this. I also hope he understands what I must do to fill in a gap that has been lingering in my heart for these past few years. I pray to God that whatever comes my way when I do this will not be in vain.
I will go to Tennessee to be with my baby, to finish college there, to hopefully achieve a future that I have always dreamed about. Right now we need each other desperately, college is already hard enough. Her parents have offered to help us by allowing me to stay in their basement. I am fully aware of the consequences, I am fully aware of the pain that I might have to feel in the process. But I can not let myself regret not taking such an opportunity as this. I am proud to know that my sisters love her just as much as I do, she has been what has kept me going these past few years, what has driven me to help better myself, without her I could careless about what happens to me. I know what my dad might be afraid of, I know that love is a rollercoaster, but I must do this for me, I can't continue to let my heart suffer at the hands of time any longer.
When I do make this trip it will not be until maybe next semester, but when the time comes I just want you all to know that I am in good hands. I will have the opportunity to visit you guys alot (during when school is out of course). You know for a fact that I will miss you all like hell, this was not an easy decision for me. I have had more than enough time to think about this, and I can't hear her cry anymore and not be able to hold her, I can't allow for our whole relationship to be based on how many minutes we have left to talk on the cellphone. I can't handle seeing her a few days every 6 or 7 months, the pain is just too much. I am so happy to have you guys in my life, vanessa, caroline, zulen, dad, mom, and even as my shirt soaks from my tears, I know that we will all be ok sooner or later. I am trying my hardest on my own to be able to accomplish my dream of having a good future, and so is she, but I know that if we are together things will be so much easier to see.
I know that it won't be like I will never see you guys again, but I just want you to know that leaving you guys is never an easy thing. There are still a couple months left until the end of the semsester, and I have so many things to think about and plan. But i'm going to stop typing so many words before blogger sues me for taking up all their bandwidth. I hope to talk to you guys soon :D
2 comments:
skik, my shirt is soaked too. :( i have so many things i can say, but you already know how i feel. follow your heart..we'll always be there for you, no matter the distance. we all love you, of course its gonna hurt, but like you said we'll be ok. i've watched you grow into a man right before my eyes, just yesterday you were a little boy that would light up our world. and you still do...the same way the girls light up when "uncle mikey" is mentioned..i don't think that's ever going to change. you have to go for your dreams...i'm proud of how far you've come. i've been in your shoes before and i know how your heart must be torn right now..but like you said living with the regret will be worse. i wish you guys nothing but happiness.
v :)
I am sure like you, and Vani and Z - I have so many different emotions right now. But, the truth is Mike - all the reasons that I can offer to NOT do this are selfish ones. I love you so much, and even though we don't see you as much because we all have so much going on, it was always a comfort to know that our Mike was safe. Safe with Dad.
After putting all my feelings together I realize that this is all I ask GOD to do. Just keep our Mike safe. Change is not easy ( at least for me now), but I do know that you have given some careful thought to your decision. This is something that soothes me.
I want you to live the life you deserve. I want you to pursue your dreams and grow and learn, I want you to be happy. I hate seeing you so down.
If anyone deserves that true blue happiness Mike it is you. You have always been a terrific son, brother, always. With no mistake even to date. You deserve this. You deserve to be with Z and complete your goals and find the happiness that you have not been feeling if this is what will make you feel complete.
I do not want you to have a void in your heart. Because that is very painful. It is a nagging feeling every day and I am sure by now it has escalated. You are right, love is a motivation. And I know - we all need the appropriate motivation. I know that right now you need that support the most, I know that right now you need someone to be there for you and I am confident that Z will do this for you.
She is a terrific woman Mike. That is why we love her. We have gotten to know her very well, and I see someone who loves her family, and has such a big heart she has opened herself up to us as well. We see the way she makes you feel, we see the way she has given you unconditional love, and that means more to us then anything. That is not easy to come by. People always find "reasons" that things won't work like people just don't matter....
I want you to succeed in your aspirations. I want you to complete your missions. I want you to live this one life that you have to the fullest. And I know, that Z helps you do that too.
It sounds like Z's parents are welcoming you with open arms too. To offer such a big thing like this, they must see what you do for Z as well. I am sure for them this is their way to make sure that both of you are safe and able to complete your dreams.
We all knew that inevitably this day was bound to come. But, somehow it's almost as if I just woke up from a dream.
Mike, I hope my sons become like you one day. That is how much I am proud of you. I am confident that when you accomplish your goals with Z that feeling will supersede even how I feel now. You have always been a comfort to our family. You have always bridged the gaps. Tyler said to me the other day, I want a haircut like my Uncle Mikey, I want to be like him. That is what I would want from my son too. You have truly been so good to all of us Mikey. God the more I make this sound like a goodbye letter the harder it gets. I know it's not goodbye - I know it's I will see you soon. I will talk to you soon. But somehow there is some uncertainty that makes me sad.
With every new challenge or change will have some uncertainty to it. But, Mike I trust you. I trust Z. and this is what will help all of us. We know that you are capable of great things, and that you have not failed us at all.
I am proud to say that I was a part of who you are today. Dad, Vani, Mom too. All of us. We put all of our love in you and protected you, and tried to guide you the way we all felt would be beneficial to you, and I know that we all know you so well, it's easy to know that you will make the right decisions. You are dependable. I know that none of these things will ever change because they are the core of who you are. Where you came from.
I love you Mike. More then words can express.
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