Surprisingly another post!

Here I am at 10:20AM, still not able to sleep since about 8 something this morning. Went to bed at 2AM, my body wanted to go to sleep a few minutes ago but of course Joshua got hungry :).

You know things are getting interesting when your web browser recognizes the fact that you are looking for a job so much that it suggests career websites for you. Or the fact that your favorites tab now has job listings on it.

In the back of my head I keep thinking, I have a job, wtf am I doing spending my vacation looking for one? But I guess when your bank account has less than what they take out of taxes per paycheck and you have a family to take care of, then you realize that you don't make as much as you thought.

Things have been going downhill for weeks, and it seems like there is no end to the madness. Everyday it seems I worry about something different, what bill do we have to pay today? I get up every morning hoping someone will call my damn phone for at least an interview and yet nothing happens. As the money disappears slowly, so does your sanity.

I think about all the people who come to my job who keep telling me how broke they are, then you pull up their accounts and they have twice or three times as much as you do. I remember when I used to think the same way. Unfortunately, its a little different when you really are fucked. The funny thing is I've been in this situation before, many times in my life. Yet those times were with myself, I could careless if I had to eat ramen noodles everyday to save money. After a while I might starve to death but at least it would be just me. But I can't stand to tell my wife I can't buy her a 20 or 30 dollar cell phone, I can't stand to think about how many times a month Joshua eats and dreading seeing the bottom of his formula can because in the back of my mind I know its going to cost another arm and a leg.

To tell the truth, I'm just tired, exhausted from thinking about all the possibilities of getting out of this situation and none of those ideas have worked.

To top it all off, Zulen can't go to school this year or next because they denied her financial aid because of a situation that happened last year. They want us to pay for a full semester before they consider giving her financial aid. Well that would be great if we could afford it in the first place.

Life is funny sometimes, you can go from point A to point B in a matter of minutes. Sometimes you want to blame yourself for being in these situations. I just feel like something has got to give, I can't imagine not being able to make the rent, I love this apartment, I feel like this apartment gives us a sense of accomplishment that would shatter our confidence if we ever had to give it up.

I guess the only thing left to do is keep trying, keep praying that nothing else will happen that will further strain us.

The Pandemic

The trouble with everything changing so quickly is that one doesn't even have time to think anymore. I used to have so much time to think about everything around me, I haven't been able to just stop and take a look at my life for so long it seems. Time just keeps going and going, it refuses to stop for you, the bad times seems to drag out and the good times come and go.

This leave has allowed for me to take a deep breath and examine what I have been meaning to in so long.

Yesterday was a milestone. One year anniversary & My wife's birthday all wrapped into one day. Unfortunately at the moment our finances don't agree with us so we really couldn't do much except watch multiple episodes of True Blood (great show by the way).

At one point Zulen had told me that there are certain things that I didn't understand just yet. Yesterday I think I finally understood one thing she has been feeling for quite some time, and its something that will linger on for years to come.

Its never an easy thing to see your parents get divorced. Though through all the fighting and yelling that my parents did, it almost seemed like maybe it was better for them to go through with it. Yet, when my dad finally told me that he was getting a lawyer for a divorce, it still send sadness roaring across my mind. I thought of all the great times we had as a family. I thought of all the good days my mother used to have, all the days I spent with my dad being his leech.

Unfortunately its still an old wound that only stings when it rains. I thought that at one point I had forgotten about the fact that my mother will no longer be with my father, yet to this day it saddens me every time I think about it. I used to wish every single day that my mother get cured, and that my parents would get back together again like the good old times. But at one point I realized that it will never happen.

Its a dream I've had for years. My mom comes back cured, my dad falls in love again and they are a happy family one more time. Now...its just all fiction.

I didn't quite remember how it felt like until yesterday. When Zulen's dad came over, just him and Jorge. I could see the pain in her eyes after he left. I can tell how fresh her wound still is, tender to the touch. Except in her case, it was an unexpected divorce. Even worse. One day you think your life is just great, your family is happy, and then a bomb goes off.

Its then I knew that no matter how great of a present she got from her dad, she could never forgive him for breaking up the family.

Sometimes I don't understand love. I have always understood family, or so I thought. What I still don't understand is why I won't be able to just get another taste of what it felt like to see my parents together, just one more taste. To see both of them happy with each other, its something I've always wanted to see. But to see the pain in my wife's eyes, its heartbreaking. Then I look at Joshua, and I pray to God everyday that he never has to go through this, ever. Even if one day Zulen and I can't stand each other, I don't want him to suffer. Because even though the parents feel a bulk of the suffering from divorce, the children suffer the most in the end. Especially if the family was so close. I hope that in the future when things get sticky and we are at wits end with each other, we can settle our differences and stay with each other until death do us part. I'm tired of hearing about the divorce rate in this country, now it has become just a number, but people seem to forget the pain that is associated with it. Sometimes its for the better, but most of the time its for petty things.

Zulen I hope that one day you realize that things will be ok. Unfortunately at one point the wound you feel now becomes a scar. But remember that we have our family now, even though we couldn't help our parents, we can help each other. We can't be scared of things to come, we have to try when things get tough. Honestly I think we have done a great job already. We will be ok as long as neither of us give up. Don't worry about all the memories you might be missing now, because now we have the opportunity to make memories with our family. Things that Joshua will remember for the rest of his life, things that he will keep with him forever. Don't let your sadness devour you, life unfortunately keeps going no matter what you are feeling. Just remember that you have your two boys to help you through this, and even though Joshua can't talk, I know he loves his mommy, and you know I love you to.

Another long night...

Another random sleepless night. I woke up at 2 a.m. and for the life of me couldn't go back to sleep. My brain decided that the best time to think about stuff is right when you are trying to go back to fucking sleep so here I am lol.

Part of the reason why I can't go back to sleep tonight is because my mind is full of thoughts that have been put off for the longest time. I've started to realize that instead of embracing my thoughts like I used to, I've been putting them off to the side, almost like I'm waiting for them to go away. When did I become so scared to think? Or is it that I have less time to do so now?

The first thing that comes to mind, is being exhausted. The funny thing is, I'm so drained emotionally that it is starting to pour into my physical well being. Partially because of this treatment that I am on which makes my body work over time. I just think its funny because I don't do a job that is physically demanding, I sit on my ass all day and yet when I come home it feels as though my life has been sucked out of me and there is little room for anything else but relaxation.
I've been trying to put together what exactly is going on right now, I don't think there has been a time in a my life where things have not only happened so quickly but just start piling on top of each other one after the other.
Right now I feel anxious, restless, nervous to get this situation with my health cleared up. I feel these steroids in my body all day, I know they are there and I don't really appreciate it. In fact I hate it to be quite honest, sometimes it scares me to think that I have to be on this stuff on and off for the rest of my life, because I don't feel like myself with them. These symptoms that I have came out of fucking left field and they couldn't come at a worse time. A time where I'm trying to keep my job in good standing since I just got it, my car is totaled, had to deal with insurance people for my pregnant wife who almost didn't give it to us, and a baby on the way. Not to mention some other issues which I've had to deal with on the side. All of it, in a matter of 2 months. Oh yea not to mention, we're broke lol. Especially since not of these things in life are free.

I've tried to tell myself that everything will be ok since I know it will be. It seems as though I've been going about it the wrong way however. I've failed to realize that in order to let go of certain things, you can't put them aside, you can't just expect them to go away, you actually have to let them go.

I'm not a religious person, I'm not one of those people that jump around or tell you that Jesus says this or that God says that and you must do what God says or this will happen, all that to me is bullshit. Especially people that live in this state are obsessed with the idea that God is this and God is that, its kinda of sad really because they seem to live their lives based on solely that. All I know is throughout this whole mess that has happened I had a long talk with God one night, I told him "God I know things happen for a reason, but all these things are going on too fast too soon, hopefully you can help us" and the next week I got into a wreck that totaled my car. Was it bad news? Hell yea it was, but now...they are telling me I don't have to pay the monthly payment on the car anymore. A blessing in disguise? Dad always told me that God works in mysterious ways. So whether he be real or not, someone out there is listening...

As far as Zulen and I go, its definitely a rocky start to a marriage, we haven't even been married a year and all this crazy stuff is going on. But I can tell that we are learning something out of this, I've never been happier being married to her. As far as the future goes we are still deciding how that is going to come about with apartments and things like that, but I feel as though through all of this we are going to learn something important that will hopefully keep us strong for years to come. Usually at my job there aren't many 21 year olds who do what I do, all of the people I work with are 10 years or older than I am. I know we are on the right track, I know that at one point in our lives we will look back at this and thank God for all we have. Soon we are going to have a family, and we're going to be in charge of raising a human being. As the days come closer my mind races even faster. I think it might have finally hit me a certain point these past few weeks that its almost here. I can't wait to meet the person my wife has been dreaming about all her life, or the little person I feel in her stomach. We may not be adults just yet, but I hope that our kid will enjoy what we have to offer at the moment whether it be something small or big.

For the moment I'm going to stop, even though I feel like saying so much more, now I have to figure out how the hell I'm going to function at work especially in a class with managers :( I just hope they don't know I'm there today lol.

2009-2010

It feels almost criminal to leave my blog behind for so long. It seems as though for the past few months I've had nothing to say or nothing to write about. But there is always something deep inside me that wished I had something to write my thoughts out on, and I had almost forgot that I could do so right here, in this very web page.

What can I say about last year? I don't think there was one thing that hadn't changed last year...

I started my life with my new wife, the beginning started out very rocky, of course it had to do with her parents divorcing right when I had come in to bring joy into our lives, the other part that brings joy to her had been taken away. The next few months were met with problems, to the point where my visit would have been short lived, but I stayed the course, hoping that someone could help us.

Time to time I do still feel hurt about the whole situation, its like a lingering headache that never goes away. Sometimes I feel nervous that it might happen again, and at that point I don't think I could go through it again. I'd rather the child live with one parent then in a house of disasters.

I hope that Zulen and I are good parents, I hope that regardless of its a boy or girl that I can teach it something about the good and bad of life, to look at things from a different perspective then looking at it from just one angle. There is so much more to life than what is just in front of us.

Unfortunately my baby lost her job this month, a great way to start the new year. We went from being comfortable to having to worry about what we are going to do next. Maybe God thought we got too comfortable. But I warned her about this every day, things like this can happen at any time, that is why one must always be prepared when life wakes you up out of no where. It happens to me all the time, which is why I guess I am so cautious when it comes to spending too much money.

Unfortunately for now I have to go to work, hopefully I will remember to finish my thoughts later :)