This leave has allowed for me to take a deep breath and examine what I have been meaning to in so long.
Yesterday was a milestone. One year anniversary & My wife's birthday all wrapped into one day. Unfortunately at the moment our finances don't agree with us so we really couldn't do much except watch multiple episodes of True Blood (great show by the way).
At one point Zulen had told me that there are certain things that I didn't understand just yet. Yesterday I think I finally understood one thing she has been feeling for quite some time, and its something that will linger on for years to come.
Its never an easy thing to see your parents get divorced. Though through all the fighting and yelling that my parents did, it almost seemed like maybe it was better for them to go through with it. Yet, when my dad finally told me that he was getting a lawyer for a divorce, it still send sadness roaring across my mind. I thought of all the great times we had as a family. I thought of all the good days my mother used to have, all the days I spent with my dad being his leech.
Unfortunately its still an old wound that only stings when it rains. I thought that at one point I had forgotten about the fact that my mother will no longer be with my father, yet to this day it saddens me every time I think about it. I used to wish every single day that my mother get cured, and that my parents would get back together again like the good old times. But at one point I realized that it will never happen.
Its a dream I've had for years. My mom comes back cured, my dad falls in love again and they are a happy family one more time. Now...its just all fiction.
I didn't quite remember how it felt like until yesterday. When Zulen's dad came over, just him and Jorge. I could see the pain in her eyes after he left. I can tell how fresh her wound still is, tender to the touch. Except in her case, it was an unexpected divorce. Even worse. One day you think your life is just great, your family is happy, and then a bomb goes off.
Its then I knew that no matter how great of a present she got from her dad, she could never forgive him for breaking up the family.
Sometimes I don't understand love. I have always understood family, or so I thought. What I still don't understand is why I won't be able to just get another taste of what it felt like to see my parents together, just one more taste. To see both of them happy with each other, its something I've always wanted to see. But to see the pain in my wife's eyes, its heartbreaking. Then I look at Joshua, and I pray to God everyday that he never has to go through this, ever. Even if one day Zulen and I can't stand each other, I don't want him to suffer. Because even though the parents feel a bulk of the suffering from divorce, the children suffer the most in the end. Especially if the family was so close. I hope that in the future when things get sticky and we are at wits end with each other, we can settle our differences and stay with each other until death do us part. I'm tired of hearing about the divorce rate in this country, now it has become just a number, but people seem to forget the pain that is associated with it. Sometimes its for the better, but most of the time its for petty things.
Zulen I hope that one day you realize that things will be ok. Unfortunately at one point the wound you feel now becomes a scar. But remember that we have our family now, even though we couldn't help our parents, we can help each other. We can't be scared of things to come, we have to try when things get tough. Honestly I think we have done a great job already. We will be ok as long as neither of us give up. Don't worry about all the memories you might be missing now, because now we have the opportunity to make memories with our family. Things that Joshua will remember for the rest of his life, things that he will keep with him forever. Don't let your sadness devour you, life unfortunately keeps going no matter what you are feeling. Just remember that you have your two boys to help you through this, and even though Joshua can't talk, I know he loves his mommy, and you know I love you to.
2 comments:
Thank you for understanding me. I don't wish this on anyone. I love you baby.
I just hope that we are different, and that we endure. We are strong together. I love you baby, and our Joshua too <3
I wish I could tell you a thing or two about love...marriage...but I too am still figuring it out. You are right...You and Zulen don't have to end up the same way. Learn from the mistakes from the people around you. Marriage takes work. It is a job, day in day out...a lot of people don't see things going their way and they quit because it's easier to see the immediate satisfaction rather than the long term effects.
We convince ourselves that the "benefits" of a split are greater than the effects. And in life those are 2 things you try to balance and sometimes you have to choose the best possible option when both aren't so good.
But, the main reason why people split in my view? Happiness. In some situations....things always look greener on the other side....but there are those situations that a split is absolutely necessary.
We can put everything we have into our marriage but it cannot devour us either.
Here are some main things I've learned so far....communication is very important....respect....as well....we have to maintain as much respect to keep the value of what the other person means to us in our life.
Maybe some counseling would be a good idea? I know over here they offer it as a free service...but maybe just talking about it will help deal with the problems.
I talked to a lady a few times about problems I was dealing with. She asked me about my childhood. After hearing some things she told me that the main difference C and I had were we wanted 2 different things.
Chris didn't have a completely pain free existence before we were married either. But believe it or not when those problems are not dealt with they start to explode into our own personal lives.
Talking about it helped me identify what I need to take out, how I need to proceed when I need something from C and how I should deal with the problems from the past. You never know how successful something will be unless you try it.
Please know we are here to support you as well!! Even talking helps sometimes.
Love
Caro
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