what now...

I sit here right now and i'm tryin to gather all of my thoughts again, everything I lay down in bed I think the most. And whenever I wake up from thinking so many thoughts at once, I forget most of them. I hate that, it sucks, shit today I rested for a lil bit, I thought about random things, things that I wouldn't think of normally. it's like all my thoughts gather all at once when I either take a nap or just sit down to relax. I could have written like 4 more pieces of writing, and such good things 2.
I was thinking about so many things, I don't understand how my mind could just let me forget about them.

Well valentines day is almost here... First one for me and my baby since we've been going out. I remember how liberated I was last valentines day, I just stared into my ex's eyes and flicked her off, and all she did was smile back. I can't not believe how much has changed, so many things have changed for the better since this time last year.
I'm also starting to realize that I have to change my habits again. My grades this past semester were horrible. I'm supposed to be used to it by now...
But now I'm angry at myself, for years the only thing holding me back from doing something good for myself was my grades, and because of my homework. Every single year I do bad in at least 2 classes, since elementary school it was like this. And it's all because of me, and my laziness, it's so troubling to see the grades I have a know that I could have done something to make them better, but all I did in class was put my head and sleep, or talk to ppl. So many ppl have tried to motivate me to do better in school, and nothing has ever even phased me, nothing ever motivated me to do something good in school. And look where I am now, worrying about my future, regretting my laziness, and just thinking to myself, I must do this! But I don't trust even myself to do this, I don't get it, I just don't get it, all those years I passed were because my teachers let me pass because I was so close to failing a grade. Even when I began high school, I knew I was going to get the standard diploma, meanwhile everybody else around me was shooting for the advanced one. And even my friends who seem to do nothing at all also, have actually done something, and have a high enough grade to pass. I'm dissapointed in myself right now, I have gotten so many chances, so many bones that life has tossed to me, and I've thrown it back at it's face. I want my family to be proud of me, I want my baby to marry a guy with a future and not a guy who is a dissapointment. And to me that's what makes me happy, is that everyone around me is happy, it may seem unselfish, but unfortunately I can be the most selfish person in the world, and I hate that.
So you would think this would motivate me to do something right? Well we'll see, I've awaken every system in my body to realize this, only one more year of high school, so it's my decision to make it a year of worry and busting my ass, or a year of clear sailing, and just worrying about passing...

*sigh, that's only one thought out of many that I've forgotten, I'm sure I'll remember em sometime, well goodnight ppl, wish me luck...P.S. Sweet dreams baby, I love you.