Aching Heart

Aching Heart
Such joyous days and such are troubling ones. So many I see, yet I do not see the presence of the one who dwells in my mind. My heart aches for that presence, it aches to see nothing while the lovely music of their voice repeats itself like a broken record in my mind. How can days be presented with such joy and content if my heart wishes to hold the one I think of?
My heart aches to deny such feelings so that I can be content for a temporary amount of time. It is as if life has denied my right to be truly happy. Love will be the bridge in which I can see and feel the one who dwells in my mind.
Words can only say so much, they can only translate a few of the words of the truly complex language of love. I love everything about the dweller in my mind, their voice echoes in my soul, their touch warms my heart, and when I view their presence both of these are combined.
It is a harsh cycle, it is a cycle that weakens the heart but makes it stronger at the same time. There is such a little amount of good things in this world. Life only lets you grab on something as good as love for so long. Once you feel the love surging through your body, life cuts it off, until the next time you collide such emotions.
Hard to learn how to cherish such things that you would like to stay forever with you. But of course, when you don’t have something you have always had, you regret not cherishing it. I have learned to cherish the moments of collided emotions (love in this case). Yet my happiness can not be fully fulfilled. It can only be fulfilled when the one who dwells within my soul is next to me forever. Until then, I will be content with their voice, I will be content with their words, and I will do so for as long as I have to.

"zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, ahh damn it I can't do it!"

ok ok ok ok ok, i tried to sleep...that didn't work out too well, hahaha. it's like 1:34 am, and its' a school night, isn't that just great? i'm too used to sleeping late and waking up late!, fuck! so let's see, here's what i did in the course of ummm an hour and 30 mins

*Played Top Spin
*Folded the rest of my clothes
*Listened to some 50 Cent
*afterwards i wanted to pull out my bretta and shoot up da place, lmao

so here i am, feeling thugified, and caffeinated like hell :D. haha i'm sorry baby, i know i told you i'd sleep, but it didn't work out :( .

here is a nightly process for me :D. ( the * represent my thoughts)

hmmm, that pillow looks really comfy,
*hmm i got gym tomorrow, soccer!!
wow i should really go to sleep
*damn i have to get a new racquet for my character in Top Spin
shit it's cold!
*uhhhh, i'm tired
uhhh, i'm tired
*i need pepsi
I need to get to sleep
*fuck, i think i messed up my jacket in the dryer!
no really its getting late
*wow i wonder what ADD feels like.......oh....haha.....now i know.....
ok ok, time to go to bed
*shit, i have programming tomorrow, FUCK!
damn it i'm gonna run laps outside until my energy runs out

wow, i think i'm a lil delirious, haha. well i'm gonna get some sleep, PEACE OUT CRACKAS!

Spring break

so far it's been ok. very relaxing spring break, saturday and monday were good, i got to see my dad happy and i got to see my sister caroline. then tomorrow i'm going to see my other sis vanessa. couple days ago i kind of had a problem of my own, maybe it was jealousy, maybe it was lots of things combined. but of course i had to figure it out, so it ended up being the first time we ever fought since we were together. but hey not everyday can be glorious, there will be times when you need to communicate, in my case i hate to, i'd rather keep my mouth shut. but that led to me creating opinions and ideas.
i was cold, i wasn't exactly the nicest person that day. i myself have never gotten cold with anything, i've never fought with my own family, i've only had fights with fags in my school who like to push my buttons and get what they deserve at the end of it, lol.
but i never even wrote about it, i never asked her what i was thinking for a long time, and that's how it ended up being. but of course i had my reasons, not like i just decided that i say something that day.

n e wayz, my dad gave me money for taking care of my baby brother gabriel. i don't understand why he does that, it's not like i'm asking him for money, maybe he feels bad, but i feel bad having to accept the money as if i wanted it in the first place. i don't need money when it comes to my own family, i'd gladly do it for free, i don't care. but, there is my dad for you, :) .
so i'll be here all day again, waiting patiently to see my sister from NY, and then hopefully on saturday have a nice time with both my sisters and then of course all the kids will be terrorizing the whole house, lol. so hopefully the rest of spring break will be good,

oh yea i forgot, WHERE IS SPRING!!!!!!!!? i mean it's still like 50 degrees outside!, i can't wait for the heat, though i like cold, i'm sick of it, n e wayz, byez ppls...

ok ok, lol. last one for today :D 

another cool pic of a rose 

shigady palos 

the beach from my island 

my island 

ooooooooooo, i likey blue :D 

not even a little bit baby? lol 

Diablo 2, one of the best RPG's out right now 

this is me when i take off my clothes, LMAO, just kidding ppls 

ooooh, tyte picy 

wow, i want that dog :P 

You, too, Mel...You fucked up! 

from left tor right...Gabriel, Hailey, the evil one is me, lol. and then Kayla  

changes in the Terrazas :)

indeed, the changes are here again. after reading what my sisters have said, they reinforce that thought I have about them being the strongest women I've ever met. they have done so much for me, at a time where i felt that i had no mother what so ever. when i was young they were my only friends, at that time when for some reason i felt so unwanted in school. when i was young in elementary school, no one wanted to be around me, I guess i annoyed everybody I met. to the point to where i cried my ass off one night, i knew i had to change. but there my sisters were, there my dad was, every single day of my life they were there, i will NEVER forget that, i was young, but i still remember how much you guys loved me.
and then there was my mom..............my god do i feel like shit....i remember calling my mom horrible things, i remember calling her a cow and a bitch......i treated her so badly.... I remember not respecting her at all, i remember the stories i heard of her, and wanting her to pay for the things she did to the only things i had left in this world, my sisters and my dad. i remember one fight in particular, i dunno why but i remember it...where my sister and my mom were basically pulling each other hair, and my mother grabbed a plate...that's all i remember, all i care to anyway.
now i look back and i feel so bad to what i've said to my mom, for crying out loud she was my mother, and here i am calling her bad names. she deserved some of it, maybe part of her karma was her own children hating her, her own children rebelling. but there she is now, in another country, missing all of us. almost 5 years since i've seen her....
it's almost been 5 years of almost complete change in our family. the journey to where we are now was strange, and we had many fights even without my mom. i changed myself, my dad changed his heart (though i think not completely), both my sisters were married and moved out.
And its only been 5 years...so what does the future have in store for the Terrazas family now? things are looking so much better...just 2 days ago I saw my father smile at his birthday lunch in. everybody was smiling...i loved it...he was so happy...my god does he deserve it...he deserves every minute of that happiness...he has done so much for us all, he has been so unselfish, i'm so glad to not hear not one voice raised at his party.
so if moments like those are in store for us, i can't wait, i can't wait for our happiness. i know it won't last forever, it scares me to think that, but i know it can't happen. i don't know when it will end, i don't even know if it should, because it has only started.
the healing from the past will never be complete, because moments in the future will remind us of the past, things always remind us, and we must always remember of the past. because the past repeats itself if you forget...

Just one of those weeks...

So it's almost the end of the week. Today is St. Patrick's Day, i didn't really dress for the occasion, meaning i didn't wear green cuz basically i don't give a rat's ass, lmao. problem is, after a somewhat strange week of being tired and somewhat not really wanting to do anything mood, ppl in my school decided to pinch me left to right. all my friends and what not, sure it was funny, but to tell you the truth i wasn't really in the mood. i dunno this whole week i just don't feel like being bothered. i guess maybe a teenager mood, but i dunno, oh well. maybe it's because i'm thinking alot more these days. i seem to be in deeper thought about things i don't even know i'm thinking about. i guess the thoughts just seem to pass by my brain, not showing themselves, just their shadow. but thankfully the week is almost over, i'm ready to feel motivated to do things again.
next week i'm going to see both my sisters, i'm going to celebrate my dad's b-day, i might even see my baby, and i think that would defintely relax me. not to mention spring break is next week, so i'll get a chance to relax my thoughts, and to relax my brain from learning for at least a week.
I feel like writing...but when you want to write about something you have no clue about, it's kind of hard. you see, to make it more clear, i know i'm thinking about things, but i just can't seem to grasp the meaning of the thoughts, or as to what i'm actually thinking about...maybe with a little more time things will sort out...
if i write something i'll post it, bye for now...

Those days...

These past days I've learned so much about my own families past. Things that I would have never imagined, things that I never happened within my own family. I never opened my eyes, I never saw what my family has seen. It's as if I was waken up from a coma that lasted many years. If so many things can change in one year, I can't imagine how many things changed in my family before I was born. It feels as if there is still an untold story, a story that hasn't been brought to my attention until very recently.
I do admit, there are times where I feel out of place in my family. Everyone in my family is older than me, by about 10 years. There are times where their conversations are things that happened within are family, but I've never heard of. I'm my own generation in my family, the only teen...maybe that's why sometimes people find me to be more mature then other guys, to be more thinkitive...I find myself writing poems, playing video games, instead of joining gangs and doing drugs. I have learned so much from the more mature part of my family, but never have they taught me about my own families past. Not even my own branch of the family has. And to learn about some things now is amazing, it seems as if everything is making more sense now. They never told me about my families past because of the way it was before. Before everyone in our family lived in a house, before there was ever compettition within my own family. The time when we seemed so much closer, a time which i wasn't a part of.
So now my baby brother steps into the picture, and I sense the same kind of questions my own family faced. Should we tell him about our past? Should he know about the bad times and the good times? Or maybe he should live with his own generation, the new arrivals to the family, and they should make their own family history. I'm glad that my baby brother has his own generation to live with, kids his own age, kids he can have fun with and play with that are in his own family.
I'm glad to see my family prosper the way it has, I'm glad to see that we are still coming together after all these years, I'm glad to see everybody still happy, still living and healthy. I wouldn't be in any other family, I have so much to learn about it, so much to learn from each of them. Sure there are rumors about so many things, but that's because it's a big family, a family filled with loud mouths waiting to twist up any truth in any situation. Of course there are lots of problems, but i cant imagine a family without them.

It's so interesting to see how my family will be when I grow older...when the new generation takes over. I'll be the oldest of the new generation, to take the place of my grandma, telling everyone stories about how we all got here. How my dad and his brothers came to the United States, and started families. And here we all are now...

Only 4 branches of this family of mine. It seems...that my branch of the family has always seemed to be an outcast of some sort. It seemed as if the rest of the family kept growing financially, and here we are still struggling to keep our family intact. Still struggling to buy our own house while the rest of the family has done so. My dad worked 3 jobs, while my mother stayed home and tortured his children. And when he came home, he cooked food for us, while she sat on the couch and told him how stupid he was, and how much of an idiot he was to bring her to this country. It seemed so easy to think that our branch of the family was the only one with major problems. But of course, I was wrong, now that I look back at my past and what I've seen and tried to understand, we all had problems. I was just to much of a kid to understand anything. *sigh, well i'll stop now, or this will get too long, so until next time, good night...

March going by quickly

wow, another very quick month, going by fast. it's already the 12th. 2 reasons why i don't like that. number one, it's getting closer and closer to when my baby has to leave me for so long :(. number 2, it's giving me a really short time span in order to catch up in school, I just have to make up all those absent days...blah.
In any case it's been a funky month, not sure if i like it so far. But hey, life is still semi good right now for me, and at least its better than this time last year.

They took away my damn phone in school this past Thursday! I completely forgot to put my phone on vibrate that morning, and what do you know, someone texted me, and that stupid message noise came on. They took away my home phone, they don't seem to understand the fact that, that phone is my connection to my whole family including my baby. And not having it for a long time is gay. It seems my school is filled with ignorant teachers and administrators who really don't give a fuck about anything. *sigh oh well, i better get it back by monday...well all for now, bye.

How could they?

I don't understand people anymore. I don't understand why some people have such a need to fulfill their pleasures. They are so desperate, they will do anything in order to satisfy themselves. I don't understand how one human being can hurt and ruin another person's lives just for their own benefit. How could such people exist? Every human being on this Earth is so delicate, our lives and souls are so delicate. One can only withstand so much pain in their lives, no one in this universe deserves to be disrespected, in anyway. Every single one of us have a purpose in life, but the ones that damage that purpose for others, are the obstacles in this world.
Why would you ruin someone else's life for the benefit of your own pleasure? How sick can one human being be to do that?
I don't understand it, I never want to dwell into the minds of those that enjoy hurting others. It seems as though their thougths are twisted, somewhere along their life, their mind was twisted.
I feel like a kid again, asking so many questions as to things I don't understand, asking what may seem like difficult questions to answer, but to those who know, it may seem easy to.
I don't see any good reason to make someone feel like they are worthless, while one feels stronger. So many forms of abuse, at least everyone in this world has gone through at least one type. But there are some forms that are cruel, there are some that only the trully desperate and trully low individuals can accomplish. I pity them, for they will meet a consequence far more damaging then they have done.

My Idea Of Heaven

My Idea Of Heaven

It sounds so normal to us. The idea of Heaven and Hell. The idea that if you do good things, you will go to Heaven, and if you do bad, then you will go to Hell. I think everyone makes their own Heaven and Hell. I think that when we die, we go to our Heaven, or we go to our Hell.
I think about this sometimes, I think about what my idea of Heaven is. My idea of Heaven is to see my family close together, see my dad get his own house without asking for help, see my mom put her self together again and come back to us. My idea of Heaven is standing next to the person I love for many years without worries, and have healthy children with a well established career. I see my Heaven being carefree, not having to worry about so many things, not having to question why so many things are what they are.
Who knows when any of us will die, it could happen at any second, when we least expect it. But if I were to die right now, I wish for my Heaven to come true, I want to live in that world ever so much. So I ask God today and everyday, that my Heaven comes true, and if he does, I'll cherish it forever, in death or in life waiting for it to happen.
And my idea of Hell is exactly the opposite, a world full of troubles, a world full of worries, a world full of broken dreams and broken hearts. I couldn't bare to live or die with that. So I ask of God right now, do we make our own Heaven? Is it that we live with our Heaven and Hell? And not when we die? Those are the questions I ask, that is the Hell that is lingering in my body, just worries. Worries that either my Heaven or my Hell is coming up for me. But there is nothing I can do once again, all I can do is carry out my life, whether my Hell or Heaven be present, whether my dreams are fulfilled or broken. So, until tears can no longer come from my body, and my mind has come to a rest, I will never know...

wow blue electricity 

oooooh xp  

I guess not...?

Well here I am again. I decided that this would be the best way to keep all my writings. All of the writings I love are in this blog, so I think I should keep putting my writings in here.

So why is it that I didn't feel like writing anymore? I was in one of those moods, I was depressed of the fact that my computer crashed, and that everything was lost. But I finally fixed my computer, by myself. So here I am again, I dont' think i should abandon this blog, so here's to posting more...

For the past couple days, I've been talking to my baby so freely. I've never felt that way before, I've never had a person that I could speak so freely with. I love when other ppl talk about their lives, it interests me so much. Just to let you know again baby, I'm here if you ever need to talk about anything ;)

Uh oh, I feel random thoughts again, Random Thoughts-Part 1

*sigh, it feels so lonely in this house. Everyday I come home, I see no one, no one is ever here. Everybody is always working. I remember how it was when my sisters were here, we did so many things together...but it's been over for the past year. Now I come home, and the only thing I can do, is go on the computer, xbox, or tv. Same routine every single day, sure my friends invite me to play football, but that's like once a week. *sigh, but i'm used to it now, just staring at my computer everyday, making as much noise as I want, and speaking to my baby everyday. baby I can't believe that we have talked everyday since...shit...since i can remember. And I can't believe we still have something to say each time...

ouch, almost 2 am :S. too many damn thoughts at once, it's driving me nuts. I don't even know what I'm thinking about, it's like my thoughts just spilled all over my brain, and it's just everywhere.
well i'm going to go to sleep now, it's too late for me to be doing any good thinking, so for now, bye.

the last?

My computer crashed yesterday. I had to delete every single file on my computer. All my writings, gone. I really don't feel like posting anymore. I dunno maybe my mind will change, but I don't think it'll be soon. So this will be my last post for a while, if not forever. Thank god I manage to save some to this blog, but all those writings that I thought had so much potential are all gone. I refuse to get mad, I'm just a little depressed as to the fact that they are all gone. I trusted in that computer too much, and look what happened. Being naive is bad, and stupid. *sigh whatever, what's done is done, but I can never replace those writings, some writings i haven't shown to anyone.
So here I'm using my dad's computer, it's so much slower than mine, I'd use my uncle's computer, but he uses it all day, so I wouldn't have a chance 2. Oh well whatever, sorry to all those who read my blog, but I just dont feel the need to do it anymore, but for anyone who's just reading this now, you can use the archives links to see my past stuff. Well good bye ppl, until who knows when...