I just came back from Tia Cuqui's B-day party. Tio Gustavo and Bernardo were there, I can't believe what a stupid conversation they had. They had an arguement about houses, and Tio B was like "once you buy your own house Gustavo then you tell me what you think". What a materialistic conversation, i don't understand why so much competition is needed in our own family.
n e wayz,
5 years since i've seen my mom, it's been 5 years of almost complete change. I still haven't called her, I'm waiting for my dad to give me a fucking calling card so I can speak to her. Today I was sitting in the car on the way home...listening to a sort of mello song, those types of songs always put me in a thinking mood. Inside my heart i'm excited, i'm excited about seeing my mom. She's missed 5 years of my life, she's missed 5 years of her own families life. She put herself in this situation, but the thing i'm excited about the most is seeing her well. If I go to see her this year, I wish to see her "normal". OMG, how I wish she was all better, how i wish i had my mother in my life. I don't wish to see this imposter with me, i want the person who i knew my whole life, and would do anything for me. I wish she had never said or done such things to us, then she would be here with us, supporting us, caring for us. If i saw the same person i have always seen if i go down there this year, then i think i will cry. It would be like i couldn't trust her anymore, once again. There are so many risks in bringing her back into our lives, what if she was the same or worse than before? And here my father is, with another woman, from what he has said, he's never going back.
This hope won't be extinguished from my mind, I need to see with my own eyes how she has changed, or if she has. And if she really has, then what?...How can we bring her so back so easily when for so many years we've wanted her out? I feel as if things are incomplete in my life, those days when i'm alone in the house, those days i see my father with another woman, the days i look at old pictures, and the nights when i'm sleeping, it just seems so incomplete.
I remember those days she seemed so nice, she always explained how much she loved me. Then the next day, she would drift into her own world, a world that seemed so lost, as she was lost herself in it. So how would one's emotions react when you see the same person that said she loved you the day before, turn into I'm going to leave you and never come back the next day? Even now my feelings are being toyed with, my memories and my need for her here are fighting with each other.
I see possibilities, I see hope, I want to see change, I want to see a future with her here, and not have to visit her every 5 years. So I guess life will take it's course like usual, giving us the unexpected.
And here I will be, juggling with my thoughts, eager to see the hope i have come true...
Happy Birthday Mom, from the son that once hated you for hurting the people he loved, the son that loves you for giving us a break, and the son that now wants you with him as long as his hate doesn't come back for a reason...
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