There they are left to right surrounding me, surrounding everything I hold. They ask for my time, they ask for my mind, they question my every action and question the past. Questions of the past, questions of the future, they clog my arteries, they halt my conscience. But things seem so quiet, my heart is peaceful, my body seems equivalent, yet my mind is filled with such things. Always there, always lurking in the back of my mind. Building, and building till they explode, till my emotions are filled with each one multiplying like a strand of bacteria.
So quickly I fall to them, so quickly they control. And here is this once stable red muscle, the red muscle that holds so much emotion, so much pain, so much love, so much hate, the red muscle that holds everything together. The red muscle is over taken by them, they seep into it, they destroy the barriers, releasing everything at once, and everything that was once held together is untamed.
Everything is changed, all has been lost to them, now they control everything, and my conscience is covered. I become deaf to many things, I become deaf to that red muscle that once gave me clarity and once gave me joy.
Things don’t become simple any more, life seems so cold, a barren tundra with no life in it. I look to the horizon of this tundra, I see the sun, and it dries out every attempt of me coming back to life. Crying out does not good, trying to release what has already overtaken everything becomes pointless.
All of this happens behind closed doors, unnoticeable to the senile person I have become.
I spend each day as if nothing is wrong, as if nothing is happening. Hiding behind my laughter, hiding behind my face is the truth to everything. They have locked access to my own red muscle, I feel no tears running down my face anymore, I don’t feel sorrow or pity anyone anymore. All that matters is the thoughts that clutter my soul.
Until everything is released, until things can become too late, I finally broke through the blindness and the deafness of my own red muscle. They have made me doubt, they have made me negative, how dare they. They are thoughts, evil ones, ones that laugh at your future, ones that deny having your dreams come true. Thoughts that demolish your heart, thoughts that make you selfish, until their needs are satisfied they don’t stop coming. The only thing that satisfies them are answers, but they are stupid answers for stupid thoughts…But never will my mind be use to love again, logical does not defeat emotion.
Don’t blame my mind for being overtaken, don’t blame my heart for giving up, don’t even blame the thoughts for destroying everything. For they come each and every day, but it’s how you choose to handle it…
Monday, May 23, 2005
Friday, May 13, 2005
Friday The 13th
Well here is another late night again. I swear I was about to write another chapter in my story, but for some reason I can't seem to focus on the damn thing. I know its going to be a great story, but the problem for me is finishing it considering i got this damn ADD from hell, LOL. And not only that, I've got another story thats been stuck in my head for quite awhile, and i'm anxious to start on it, yet at the same time I don't have the time or focus to write or finish either one of them.
SO, what does that mean??? IT means, I"M SCREWED! haha, j/k, it means i'll finish Heart eventually, and to anybody who has been reading my story, i recommend you read the entire story again to rekindle your interest. Just try not to bore yourself by reading the same damn chapter over and over again.
So what's up with my life? well for one, school is almost over. well for me, normal school, then it's off to summer school, BLAH. I had an actual fight with my spanish teacher today, err yesterday. and my legs WERE sore, from all this excessive excersise i've been doing this whole week, but now i feel like brand new.
I also haven't been writing lately, poems, stories, blogging, just really nothing at all. Maybe it's because the poems i write sound kind of repetitive to me, because nothing has really changed that dramatically in the past few months, my life is pretty calm as of now, all i really do now is just either chill out with my friends or wait for my dad to come home, and i've already written a poem about such things, and to me, I hate repeating myself. And to top it all off, I don't even have dreams that i remember anymore, last dream i had was about 2 months ago.
Now my life isn't boring, it's just pretty much the same thing almost everyday. then again, i could actually write about something like that.
n e wayz, i do know i have scattered thoughts sometimes, thoughts that never really assemble with my thinking patterns, they just seem to jump in whenever they feel like. my scattered thoughts only make sense to me when i'm in a certain thinking mood, when my mind is really thinking about things around me, things i've seen, or maybe it'll be memories.
One thing i do notice, it's Friday, May 13th, 2005. Now May has never been good to me, and so far it's doing a good job of winning the crappiest month award once again. And then again, I've enjoyed this month at certain times, so we'll see what happens.
Time for me to go to bed, nite ppls.
SO, what does that mean??? IT means, I"M SCREWED! haha, j/k, it means i'll finish Heart eventually, and to anybody who has been reading my story, i recommend you read the entire story again to rekindle your interest. Just try not to bore yourself by reading the same damn chapter over and over again.
So what's up with my life? well for one, school is almost over. well for me, normal school, then it's off to summer school, BLAH. I had an actual fight with my spanish teacher today, err yesterday. and my legs WERE sore, from all this excessive excersise i've been doing this whole week, but now i feel like brand new.
I also haven't been writing lately, poems, stories, blogging, just really nothing at all. Maybe it's because the poems i write sound kind of repetitive to me, because nothing has really changed that dramatically in the past few months, my life is pretty calm as of now, all i really do now is just either chill out with my friends or wait for my dad to come home, and i've already written a poem about such things, and to me, I hate repeating myself. And to top it all off, I don't even have dreams that i remember anymore, last dream i had was about 2 months ago.
Now my life isn't boring, it's just pretty much the same thing almost everyday. then again, i could actually write about something like that.
n e wayz, i do know i have scattered thoughts sometimes, thoughts that never really assemble with my thinking patterns, they just seem to jump in whenever they feel like. my scattered thoughts only make sense to me when i'm in a certain thinking mood, when my mind is really thinking about things around me, things i've seen, or maybe it'll be memories.
One thing i do notice, it's Friday, May 13th, 2005. Now May has never been good to me, and so far it's doing a good job of winning the crappiest month award once again. And then again, I've enjoyed this month at certain times, so we'll see what happens.
Time for me to go to bed, nite ppls.
Monday, May 09, 2005
The Weekend
so i finally got to see both my sisters at the same time, as well as my dad. it was a good peaceful park that we went to, i couldn't believe such a thing existed in New York...But it was cool, not many ppl there, good food, and sometimes i couldn't help but look around and just relax and think.
There was also some funny moments...there was this man in a red shirt who was attempting to skate around the park, and it seemed like he was just starting out, so every once in a while he would trip on himself and all of us would laugh, hahaha.
Well past all of that, it seems like my sister is trying her hardest to come near us, whether it be in VA or maybe even MD, either one would be 250 miles closer. and hmmm, is my dad considering moving maybe this year? No i don't think so, maybe next year...it's a big possibility, who knows, i remember him telling me that we would stay here for about 2 years until i finished school. he was thinking about buying land somewhere, that was always his dream to do that, buy a huge piece of land and settle down there forever.
So n e wayz, my internet has been cut off for a while, until today i found out that my uncle, the so called computer ace, doesn't know how to run a network. wutever, good thing is i got my internet back and can finally finish my story and what not.
well i'm gonna...uh...i dunno...do something lol bye for now
There was also some funny moments...there was this man in a red shirt who was attempting to skate around the park, and it seemed like he was just starting out, so every once in a while he would trip on himself and all of us would laugh, hahaha.
Well past all of that, it seems like my sister is trying her hardest to come near us, whether it be in VA or maybe even MD, either one would be 250 miles closer. and hmmm, is my dad considering moving maybe this year? No i don't think so, maybe next year...it's a big possibility, who knows, i remember him telling me that we would stay here for about 2 years until i finished school. he was thinking about buying land somewhere, that was always his dream to do that, buy a huge piece of land and settle down there forever.
So n e wayz, my internet has been cut off for a while, until today i found out that my uncle, the so called computer ace, doesn't know how to run a network. wutever, good thing is i got my internet back and can finally finish my story and what not.
well i'm gonna...uh...i dunno...do something lol bye for now
Monday, May 02, 2005
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Bitches LOL
early early early ain't it? well not that early but still early enough for me to have mini bags under my eyes, lol. I had another idea for a story last night, but I know I have to start dedicating my time to HEART instead.
God how I wish I could have a MP3 player, or for that a matter a cd burner in my computer. I could listen to all these songs that I enjoy on my computer everywhere. I have about more then a Gigabyte of music, which is a few hundred songs I think.
N E wayz, a few things on my mind right now, it's May, which means it's almost summer, which means the apocalypse is about to start LOL. Then I"m thinking about my "best friend", he was the one who I was going to rely on in getting our video game system idea started. And here he goes, talking bad about me behind my back, and trying to get my girlfriend with another guy. I really don't understand him, he was never this much of a prick. He was the first friend I had in Springfield, and now I don't even know what to think, I'm wondering if what he said was something he always thought about me.
So what the hell am I going to do now, I wanted to actually begin this idea of a video game system, but I can't do it alone. And now I can't see my other best friend Jorge anymore, his dad seems to have built a wall over him. *sigh, things are a little rocky, then again May has never been good to me, May is truly Gay.
I was going to look forward to the concert, but things came up, but thankfully my dad is going to New York next week no matter what. He's about to quit his job also, bunch of low life bastards that work there and no one else.
Sometimes I wish I could fast forward my life, skip so many situations, see what happens in the future. But oh well, I can't and never will be able to fast forward my life, sometimes it seems that life passes by so slow, but then you notice that in reality, it's going by so damn fast.
I want to dream about something again, I haven't really dreamed about anything lately. One of the only dreams I remember from not too long ago was a scary one.
I remember not being able to open my eyes completely, everything was blurry, I was unable to move, and all I heard were people calling my names, it was my dad and I think my sisters and zulen.
Scary thing is, my dad has had a couple of the same dreams about me. Either I was in an accident or something else. Then of course my aunt has had some strange dreams, but she hasn't told us what they were yet.
*sigh, N E wayz, Vanessa come back to VA!!! Notice how inviting VA is to you, VanessA VirginiA, NO???! LOL n e wayz, that's some good news, I wish everybody I missed could be near me, but i know that could never happen unfortunately, which sucks monkey nuts.
Well I'm going to call the other sister that I miss dearly, hopefully we can chill today! peace out bitches, J/k
God how I wish I could have a MP3 player, or for that a matter a cd burner in my computer. I could listen to all these songs that I enjoy on my computer everywhere. I have about more then a Gigabyte of music, which is a few hundred songs I think.
N E wayz, a few things on my mind right now, it's May, which means it's almost summer, which means the apocalypse is about to start LOL. Then I"m thinking about my "best friend", he was the one who I was going to rely on in getting our video game system idea started. And here he goes, talking bad about me behind my back, and trying to get my girlfriend with another guy. I really don't understand him, he was never this much of a prick. He was the first friend I had in Springfield, and now I don't even know what to think, I'm wondering if what he said was something he always thought about me.
So what the hell am I going to do now, I wanted to actually begin this idea of a video game system, but I can't do it alone. And now I can't see my other best friend Jorge anymore, his dad seems to have built a wall over him. *sigh, things are a little rocky, then again May has never been good to me, May is truly Gay.
I was going to look forward to the concert, but things came up, but thankfully my dad is going to New York next week no matter what. He's about to quit his job also, bunch of low life bastards that work there and no one else.
Sometimes I wish I could fast forward my life, skip so many situations, see what happens in the future. But oh well, I can't and never will be able to fast forward my life, sometimes it seems that life passes by so slow, but then you notice that in reality, it's going by so damn fast.
I want to dream about something again, I haven't really dreamed about anything lately. One of the only dreams I remember from not too long ago was a scary one.
I remember not being able to open my eyes completely, everything was blurry, I was unable to move, and all I heard were people calling my names, it was my dad and I think my sisters and zulen.
Scary thing is, my dad has had a couple of the same dreams about me. Either I was in an accident or something else. Then of course my aunt has had some strange dreams, but she hasn't told us what they were yet.
*sigh, N E wayz, Vanessa come back to VA!!! Notice how inviting VA is to you, VanessA VirginiA, NO???! LOL n e wayz, that's some good news, I wish everybody I missed could be near me, but i know that could never happen unfortunately, which sucks monkey nuts.
Well I'm going to call the other sister that I miss dearly, hopefully we can chill today! peace out bitches, J/k
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