Too short of a day to react too short of a life to waste. Its the first time i've been able to think, and been able to WANT to think about things. Everyday I tell myself i'm getting better at this, I really am, I growing to be a wonderful person, then I look at what has happened these past few days what the hell has happened to me? I've devoted my time to so many things to so many goals that I want to accomplish and they seem to be eating me alive. I've gone to school, come back enjoy myself for 30 mins, go to work, come back do my homework, and then go to sleep. And then I finally stopped myself and realized what the hell is going on here? Have I finally become one of those zombies? The emotionless, cold, selfish, careless beings that seem to thrive on sadness...I've done so much better in school so far, I'm working so hard, but what the fuck has happened with the rest of me? I've lost a person I love, because of my own selfish fault, because I chose to indulge in wants instead of needs for once in my life...I wanted them to be here, I wanted to touch them, to hold them close to my heart, and feeling those butterflies in my stomach when you hold them so close to your soul. For once I felt like I needed what I wanted, instead of just settling with what I needed...And I've tried so hard to think, just to think about everything for a split second, but no, another alarm goes off, or my eyes cave in and I need to sleep, or my mind wanders off not wanting to think of the horrid reality of intellectual thought. She makes me feel happy, but only for a short while, then I realized, when the hell am I ever truly happy? I could be smiling up the ass, I could be laughing, making jokes, but is that the true definition of a happy person? Or is it just that they have more to hide? I don't know what I can do to make myself happy, or at least try and be positive about everything. Lord why am I so negative? Why do I chew my soul out of existence before it has a chance to inspire my mind and body with purity of the soul. Then there might be this explanation that I'm a teenager, that it will pass, but fuck, what do I do for now? Just wait till I become old enough to explain everything? Does age really play a factor in what makes me happy? Will love pump through veins ever so vigoursly as they are now? I miss u, I truly do, but I don't want to keep you waiting anymore, its not fair to you, nor to myself to hear you cry your heart out on the phone and me not say anything...Is that how life is going to be for you now? Just because I chose someone else, because I was stupid and threw away you? I can't and won't tell you to do anything, and I know you want so bad that I do, to tell you to wait for me, but I won't, I never will, because I fucked up that chance. Will I ever come back? I don't know, all I know is, do what makes you happy, but please don't choose to be wreckless, don't settle for less when you know you can do so much better. I wish I felt that I could go back to you, I felt it in my heart that I was going to be with you till the end of it all and it all ended in a weekend...You told me I have no respect for you, that I was selfish...God only knows what you are thinking anymore, your anger confuses you, your tears dribble down with troubling slickness, your heart aches to know what went wrong...But just try and realize that sometimes you can't explain life, you can't just simply explain an emotion so powerful as love, I've learned that the hard way...To tell you the truth I do wish we were still together, but I can't hurt you anymore, I don't feel strong enough for you anymore, I can't just keep coming and going out of your life and back whenever I feel like it.
And me? I've become so used to being able to handle my own problems, so used to being alone in this room of mine, its like I choose to not have to interfere with the world because my life isn't that important...I've got such a long way to go, its only October, and I won't be able to see you again, even if you did come those 4 days, I couldn't see you, I won't, because it will only make things worse, it would just make things too awkward...Like you said, maybe I am selfish for thinking this way, but I remember you are the one who always wanted me to go for what I want and not settle with what I need all the time, just think about your words, and think about mine...
So what is this blog post really going to settle? Because I still don't feel refreshed about anything, life will keep going, maybe a few comments here and there, but still, life will keep going, and things will only change naturally, maybe I"m just crazy, and this is all just one big dream, maybe I'm living in a glimpse, God I wish that were so, I just wish that one day, things will be ok for such a long time, but one can only hope right?
2 comments:
i wonder so much what is going on in that head of yours mike
i hope u know i am always here for u
Love, happiness and self discovery can be the most confusing and tormenting things in the world, Mike. It's definitly a learning process....they all go through different stages. You have to allow yourself to go threw these stages, and learn and grow from them. We sometimes make mistakes in the process, it's only natural. Of course we punish ourselves for it, but that's how we learn from them. It's the only way. And if they weren't mistakes after all, you will know.
All your decisions will lead to a path....ask yourself if it's the path you want to be in. See if you can find happiness following that path....and most important, be honest with yourself.
I hope this made sense, sorry so long! YOu are not the only one that is confused skik. I don't think there is one person dead or alive who really has all the answers, or who never questions love and happiness.....the beautiful thing to me is that you are not one of these cold, numb, zombies...and please never become one.
All the great ones have had minds like your's...awake, curious and complex, you are a thinker! Thank god! YOu'll never be like one of those mindless guys that just drink beer and watch TV!
I always love talking to you and hearing your opinion on things because you know what you're talking about...you're very smart. I know you'll figure it out. Have faith in yourself! Everything will be ok, don't worry! :)
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