I look at the date today and I thank God another month is about to move on. January seemed like such a long month and then all of a sudden everything seems like its moving too fast. In about a week I have to get my first practice test for a GED. And I keep telling myself I can't believe I'm actually doing this. After all those years in high school, of listening to teachers, of dreading waking up every single morning just to get an education, it never seemed right to me. I always said that I should have invented something that would automatically implant a chip into our heads therefore creating education automatically lol.
Today I want to write about how much I've learned in this month alone. I think I've learned so many things in these long 31 days so far. Especially about me. I remember just last month I didn't really know how to drive, I never thought I was going to get anywhere in life because I was doing nothing in high school, I was working almost every single day, I felt sick almost every week and I never knew why. It was a scary month to be in, that's for sure, its so weird how even though calenders are just numbers and days that we have made up as humans, they seem to change along with everything we are doing. I have many things to look forward to these next few months. Everytime I think about what's ahead I can't help but to get a little nervous. Adult life is nothing but scary, even though not many people want to admit it or they just have grown num to it. There are so many people in this world, great thinkers, fools, mental people, people who don't talk at all, so many different kinds of brain power just roaming the streets. And everyone has their own story, I bet anyone could write their own book and it would be such an extraordinary story about what they have been through just to get to that point.
This month I've just realized that I'm not a kid anymore, I guess it just hit me. I'm right in the middle right now, the worst place to be in, horrible confusing place it is, full of mistakes, drama, action, changes, not to mention unexpected changes, and finally hard work. All of those things mold into what is the bridge between childhood and adulthood. This part of life is what has made people and broken many people. I just hope that will all that I've learned in life, and will people's help that I won't let my confusion get to me or my mistakes.
Well this week has certainly been the make the toilet suffer week lol. My uncle just recently, well most likely got a stomach virus, that he might have gotten from eaten undercooked lamb from one of his co-workers a few days ago. And he's on his way to the hospital, because God knows he's surviving on his bad kidneys and a stomach virus could mess him up. I've never seen my dad so worried in his life. I've also been feeling my stomach again this week. I know I've had stomach viruses before, so I know its not that. These past couple of days it has been better though thankfully. This month and last month I've been feeling so ill with my stomach, and I'm so scared that its something worse than what I know to be a virus. And I haven't told my dad until Sunday because I didn't want to worry him cuz i know he has no insurance for me. But last month, I remember getting two stomach viruses in a one week span, afterwards my stomach was never the same. It went from bad to worse this month. Last week before Isabelle's party, I couldn't eat a thing. And it was so much different than a stomach virus. With a stomach virus you throw up, with what I have you feel sick all day and you never feel better, I ate two spoonfuls of soup and I felt full, then I felt hungry again in 5 mins and tried to eat the rest but then I felt like i was going to be sick. I couldn't explain it I had no idea what it was but thankfully alot of you guys might know what it is. I just feel so nervous about that, its scary not to know what the fuck is wrong with you, when you know ur body is changing and you can't do anything about it until the problem gets so bad its almost too late. That's why insurance is so important in this country, but I guess I just have to wait, my dad is busy and can't really do anything. And its not like the doctor will notice an immediate problem until my symptoms start acting up again.
So welcome February, don't let us down, don't let us too high up and then bring up all the way down, let's pray for a great month, till next month. J.M.T.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Know Thyself
It's all laid out in the table in front of me. The nights of sorrow, the nights of tears and agony, days and days of deciding and playing a game of tug and war with a heart so weak and a mind so strong. It feels so right and feels so confusing to bring these words to the world. I thought I saw a withered building, I thought we were gone forever, but then I opened my heart to reveal a palace, made out of gold, that shows how strong we both are. That's when it feels so sure, but then my mind comes into the act as if it was being blockaded and with a force of a million men it storms into my thoughts. I think of the rivers of tears you have endured from the likes of me, it was me who placed those needles in your heart, it was me who forged the sword that is stuck ever so deeply inside your hope. I'm terrified that one day it will all be over for good. What then? What will become of me? I will be without a cause once again, I will be the person I've never wanted to be, I will be that boy that is buried inside me for the pain that he has caused me.
I admire your mind, I admire the fact that you will be able to comprehend such vast words from the heart. Just please remember that I am who I am, I am the heart you love, the soul you have taken. True the future is uncertain, but destiny is what holds the world together, life can give us all the obstacles, but if we are meant to be together we will. I hope you never walk away like I have so carelessly. So much to say, such little words to tell them with, but three words say it all I love you, and you know that.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
What a Week it has been
The title explains pretty much this year in general so far. last week and the beginning of this week have changed a lot for me already. on Monday some guy committed suicide in my school in the middle of the school courtyard, both my sisters had hardcore fights with their hubbies, my dad might get a new house this year, I broke up with what's her face lol, and I've realized some things that have probably been lurking in my mind for some time, I might still be confused about them but I think I've uncovered something...at least I hope so... So that was last week by the way.
Last week, after so much stress of school and school and school and asking myself constantly why do I need to know so badly what it is I want to do with my life. I asked God to help me, for my whole life it has seemed that God, at least in my belief, has helped through many times. Believe or not he answers your prayers, if not soon, later in life but in such a way that only you can interpret the meaning of his answers. Some would say is it really God or just a coincedence?
But well, I asked him ever so carefully watching every word I say knowing that life has its ways of becoming ironic, I asked God to help me, to help me find what I should do, what is it that I want to do with my life? I know I am only 18, but for some reason I feel so rushed, as if something will happen soon that will prevent me from ever reaching my goal. Maybe its just me but I've been sensing that all last month, as if something huge was about to happen, maybe I'm just going crazy...
The day after I asked God to help me, I went to school, going into the building I realized how much this school can offer, awards, trophies, honors from high class companies...But I've never been one to be involved in such nonsense. I went to english class, the teacher gave me a look as if I hadn't been there for ages, and I haven't. We sat down, listened to the crappy announcements about how we should not have ipods, or cd players or what not in the school and they kept talking about much more they should imprison us in this facility, lol. Then the teacher told us to open our books.
Now in class I have always loved to read out loud, I read so good compared to the people that read so slow in class lol, and I like to show off that I'm not a retard. I've also found the stories in english class to be so interesting some not so much but lots of the stories in those books are definitely a good read. n e ways, ADD attacks! lol We opened our books to an excerpt from a book called "Self-Reliance" by: Ralph Waldo Emerson, he was a leader in the Transcendentalist movement (non-conformists). He wrote about how society has become so lazy in conforming with what everyone else is doing. Doctors, lawyers, nurses, all these high class jobs and people have all tried to become one thing that the world is becoming the same. I wish I could write the excerpt in the blog but I'm sure there are copyright issues involved lol, so I'm not planning on being sued, but if you want more info then read "Self-Reliance" anyways. He also says that people do not change the world by conforming, if the whole world was to conform and not at least try to be something different then the world would fall apart. As I read this, I realized that so many others that have tried to be "rebels" for lack of a better word, to society have had such a difficult and long road to become such great people in time.
But this whole excerpt explained so much about me, every single day I questioned why is it that I must do something that I hate so much? I go to school, I hate it, even the teachers hate it, ok maybe its because I'm a kid, but why is it when I write in class or read aloud in class that i love it so much, I mean the only reason I go to school, is because in my mind I think I must...I don't want to dissapoint you guys, I don't want my dad stressed out from him thinking that I will be nothing in my life, and all it takes is one little piece of paper that will take you beyond what you can accomplish in society, but what does that lead a person to? Sure, I may become a doctor, I may become a lawyer, some title by which society can call me a great person, but how often will I be with my family? Does money really make a person happy or things just easier? Truth is I go to school so everyone else can be happy, not me... But yet I want to see what's in store for me if I do follow this path, and yet I don't...
My dad must be so angry at me right now...I love him so much I really do, he has been nothing but an idol in my eyes my whole entire life, he comes home after a long day, takes care of his family even when he doesn't want to, he loves each and every one of us so much. And I can't help to think that maybe he is dissapointed in me lately, because he doesn't understand me as much as I want him to...he works and works and works, I never saw him for a longer time, and now i've just got used to him not being there so much. whenever he comes home I just enclose myself in my room, and he's in the living room tired as can be, and I want to connect with him so badly, I want to tell him so many things, I wish I could just open up to him and tell him what I think what I feel, but he has his own things to worry about, several times I've tried to talk to him, several times I've tried to tell him what's on my mind, and he just nods his head, and tells me about the car he wants to buy next...So I just gave up, he's mad at me right now for not going to school, it urks me to see his face when he picks up the phone and its my school telling him I didn't go. But truth is high school is pissing me off, i've just had it, i see nothing they can offer me at this school, I want to move on, see what I want to do in my life, and I sure as hell won't find it in that place.
And of course I'm scared of what might happen, one day I might look back and realize how much of a fool I really am for taking a certain path. In the future I might realize many other things, and it seems like when you are a teenager you constantly make mistakes no matter what the hell you are doing, but I've never felt so certain in my life then to take my GED and go to college. because this place has offered me nothing but anger and regret for a long time. And I'm sure you guys are reading this either shaking your head, or even rejoicing as you read it, whatever it is I hope you all realize that I go to school to make you guys happy, because if you guys were ever dissapointed or angry at me I would have nobody, no one. There is so much I can say about this right now, and it feels so good to finally release this on this here computer monitor. God only knows what will happen in this next few weeks or months, but then again who wants to know right?
I hope that you guys understand this post, I hope that you can understand what it is I'm thinking about everyday, I pray that my dad could just read this once, and understand what it is his son is doing, or thinking, instead of coming home and only seeing one side of him...I wish he could see the true me, but all he gets to see is the son that won't go to school simply because he doesn't care, I just hope that he can see past that...I hope all of you can. I might not be this great person the world has ever seen, I might not be rich or have an easy life, but all I need in life is my heart and my mind, because they will never judge or fail me, my eyes have seen so much already in this life, I wish I could see so much more, I wish I could share with the rest of the world the beauty I see in them all, when I see people I see how beautiful they really are inside, your eyes tell it all to me. I just wonder what everyone else sees in me.........
J.M.T.-END (first post of 2007)
Last week, after so much stress of school and school and school and asking myself constantly why do I need to know so badly what it is I want to do with my life. I asked God to help me, for my whole life it has seemed that God, at least in my belief, has helped through many times. Believe or not he answers your prayers, if not soon, later in life but in such a way that only you can interpret the meaning of his answers. Some would say is it really God or just a coincedence?
But well, I asked him ever so carefully watching every word I say knowing that life has its ways of becoming ironic, I asked God to help me, to help me find what I should do, what is it that I want to do with my life? I know I am only 18, but for some reason I feel so rushed, as if something will happen soon that will prevent me from ever reaching my goal. Maybe its just me but I've been sensing that all last month, as if something huge was about to happen, maybe I'm just going crazy...
The day after I asked God to help me, I went to school, going into the building I realized how much this school can offer, awards, trophies, honors from high class companies...But I've never been one to be involved in such nonsense. I went to english class, the teacher gave me a look as if I hadn't been there for ages, and I haven't. We sat down, listened to the crappy announcements about how we should not have ipods, or cd players or what not in the school and they kept talking about much more they should imprison us in this facility, lol. Then the teacher told us to open our books.
Now in class I have always loved to read out loud, I read so good compared to the people that read so slow in class lol, and I like to show off that I'm not a retard. I've also found the stories in english class to be so interesting some not so much but lots of the stories in those books are definitely a good read. n e ways, ADD attacks! lol We opened our books to an excerpt from a book called "Self-Reliance" by: Ralph Waldo Emerson, he was a leader in the Transcendentalist movement (non-conformists). He wrote about how society has become so lazy in conforming with what everyone else is doing. Doctors, lawyers, nurses, all these high class jobs and people have all tried to become one thing that the world is becoming the same. I wish I could write the excerpt in the blog but I'm sure there are copyright issues involved lol, so I'm not planning on being sued, but if you want more info then read "Self-Reliance" anyways. He also says that people do not change the world by conforming, if the whole world was to conform and not at least try to be something different then the world would fall apart. As I read this, I realized that so many others that have tried to be "rebels" for lack of a better word, to society have had such a difficult and long road to become such great people in time.
But this whole excerpt explained so much about me, every single day I questioned why is it that I must do something that I hate so much? I go to school, I hate it, even the teachers hate it, ok maybe its because I'm a kid, but why is it when I write in class or read aloud in class that i love it so much, I mean the only reason I go to school, is because in my mind I think I must...I don't want to dissapoint you guys, I don't want my dad stressed out from him thinking that I will be nothing in my life, and all it takes is one little piece of paper that will take you beyond what you can accomplish in society, but what does that lead a person to? Sure, I may become a doctor, I may become a lawyer, some title by which society can call me a great person, but how often will I be with my family? Does money really make a person happy or things just easier? Truth is I go to school so everyone else can be happy, not me... But yet I want to see what's in store for me if I do follow this path, and yet I don't...
My dad must be so angry at me right now...I love him so much I really do, he has been nothing but an idol in my eyes my whole entire life, he comes home after a long day, takes care of his family even when he doesn't want to, he loves each and every one of us so much. And I can't help to think that maybe he is dissapointed in me lately, because he doesn't understand me as much as I want him to...he works and works and works, I never saw him for a longer time, and now i've just got used to him not being there so much. whenever he comes home I just enclose myself in my room, and he's in the living room tired as can be, and I want to connect with him so badly, I want to tell him so many things, I wish I could just open up to him and tell him what I think what I feel, but he has his own things to worry about, several times I've tried to talk to him, several times I've tried to tell him what's on my mind, and he just nods his head, and tells me about the car he wants to buy next...So I just gave up, he's mad at me right now for not going to school, it urks me to see his face when he picks up the phone and its my school telling him I didn't go. But truth is high school is pissing me off, i've just had it, i see nothing they can offer me at this school, I want to move on, see what I want to do in my life, and I sure as hell won't find it in that place.
And of course I'm scared of what might happen, one day I might look back and realize how much of a fool I really am for taking a certain path. In the future I might realize many other things, and it seems like when you are a teenager you constantly make mistakes no matter what the hell you are doing, but I've never felt so certain in my life then to take my GED and go to college. because this place has offered me nothing but anger and regret for a long time. And I'm sure you guys are reading this either shaking your head, or even rejoicing as you read it, whatever it is I hope you all realize that I go to school to make you guys happy, because if you guys were ever dissapointed or angry at me I would have nobody, no one. There is so much I can say about this right now, and it feels so good to finally release this on this here computer monitor. God only knows what will happen in this next few weeks or months, but then again who wants to know right?
I hope that you guys understand this post, I hope that you can understand what it is I'm thinking about everyday, I pray that my dad could just read this once, and understand what it is his son is doing, or thinking, instead of coming home and only seeing one side of him...I wish he could see the true me, but all he gets to see is the son that won't go to school simply because he doesn't care, I just hope that he can see past that...I hope all of you can. I might not be this great person the world has ever seen, I might not be rich or have an easy life, but all I need in life is my heart and my mind, because they will never judge or fail me, my eyes have seen so much already in this life, I wish I could see so much more, I wish I could share with the rest of the world the beauty I see in them all, when I see people I see how beautiful they really are inside, your eyes tell it all to me. I just wonder what everyone else sees in me.........
J.M.T.-END (first post of 2007)
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