Clouds of Thought

Hundreds of miles in the air, on top of the sky, no houses, trees, or cars. No buildings, nothing, the horizon shows a landscape of puffy white clouds, the sun glowing orange shines upon this seemingly different planet...Up there it seems so clear, one feels as if heaven is right out your window and God is waiting for you...

I miss the days in which I used to sleep peacefully, when I used to be able to calm my thoughts and go right to sleep, when I had nothing to worry about simply because I didn't have to worry about it. I miss those days when I could touch my mother's skin, when I could hear her sing to me, and look at her smile. I miss those days when my dad used to take us all out to the park to play, when he used to kiss my forehead before he went to work every morning. I remember thinking about how I felt like I never had a mother, when in reality I had 3. I remember those days when the only question I had about life, was how come my mom is crazy?

I remember the first time I looked into the sky, and thought about my life...I thought about how much I wanted God to answer me, just for once, for him to show himself to me and answer my questions.

Now, everything has changed, I have the ability to see the world that I have been living in for so long. To finally realize that my life was not the only one that existed.
Its at this point when you ask yourself this question, what is my purpose in life? I asked myself this many times of course.
So far, all I can think of is that, for some reason...it seems as though someone wants us to learn something...Have you ever stopped and thought about why things would happen?
For instance, we do bad things in our life we might live eternally in hell...But why? What good will come out of that? How will anyone be able to learn anything from eternal damnation? Why are we supposed to be good though? There is a mysterious answer to these questions...Why were we put here? To be born, to live possibly suffer, learn, and die?... You've got to be joking right? There must be more to this life then just learn and die...Sure if I do great things in my life I will go to heaven, and live happily ever after...but what was the point of me being put on Earth in the first place?
Its interesting to me to this about these things, like if you do something horrible in your life...how will you be judged?
I look in the eyes of my nieces and my nephews, and I wonder what their lives will be like, what adventures their minds will bring them. I wonder...What memories will bring them to tears, what memories will hurt them or bring them joy?

I start to think about the future and I think about my own kids. It sucks that they will not be part of the rest of the kids, that they will not be able to play with the rest of them, grow up with them. That maybe some of the great people in my family that live now will be gone by the time I do have kids.
I also start thinking how it would have been if I was almost the same age as my cousins and my sisters. It just feels like I missed so much, like I came at a time when things were changing... I think during Christmas is when I feel like this most...Especially now... Everyone is grown up and has a career or a good job that pays well. It just urks me to see my nephews, my nieces, my baby brother and sister, and it sucks that I can't give anything to them. Because I remember a time when my uncle invited us to his house, everybody got a present except for me, and I remember what's its like to be a kid, I remember all those presents I used to get. And those kids see a present from everyone else except for me, and that may not hurt them but it hurts me, because I feel so...I don't know...delayed. That is how I stay happy, that is what makes me happy, giving. That is what I love to do, give to the people I care about. That's why I kind of don't like this secret santa shit, because I have to give a present to Philipe, sure he's my cousin, but not like he really gives a flying fuck about my life. I want to pay back for all those great memories that my true family has given me...And maybe that's why I feel like I need to do something special in this world...because I could careless if I became a millionaire and was by myself, my dream would be to share it with my family, I couldn't enjoy that alone. And I'm sure you guys will probably say, its ok dude, we know you are still going to school and shit. But I feel like I want to be done with it already, as if I should be 5 years ahead of myself. I found the love of my life, I found my degree, now let me live my life. I want to have a family with her, marry her, see her beautiful face in that white gown as she's smiling down the aisle...It just feels as if I was delayed, I shouldn't have to earn the ability to start my life...Many ppl who have the ability to start one shouldn't have one in the first place, many people in this world who have money don't know how to use it or don't deserve it...sigh

I look back outside the plane, I see an opening in the clouds, I see tiny little people, trying to find a meaning to what God has given them. Working their asses off to feed their families, I see a traffic jam, cars filled with people doing what they think is right, waking up early every morning just to have food on the table, whether it be for themselves or for the family. I see hundreds of little tiny specs...that's all we are in this universe, tiny little dots that can be happy and suffer at the same time, little dots trying to figure each other out, trying to believe that somewhere somehow there will be an explanation as to why they exist in the first place. Some dots are finding a way to survive everyday, while some throw away a 600 dollar plate of food someone would have had to work all month just to afford.
Sometimes I would look out the window and I would think it seems pointless to think about what each person is doing down there, to try and grasp the meaning of life when its different for everybody...But to tell you the truth, you start to learn about your own life when you learn about others...