Another long night...

Another random sleepless night. I woke up at 2 a.m. and for the life of me couldn't go back to sleep. My brain decided that the best time to think about stuff is right when you are trying to go back to fucking sleep so here I am lol.

Part of the reason why I can't go back to sleep tonight is because my mind is full of thoughts that have been put off for the longest time. I've started to realize that instead of embracing my thoughts like I used to, I've been putting them off to the side, almost like I'm waiting for them to go away. When did I become so scared to think? Or is it that I have less time to do so now?

The first thing that comes to mind, is being exhausted. The funny thing is, I'm so drained emotionally that it is starting to pour into my physical well being. Partially because of this treatment that I am on which makes my body work over time. I just think its funny because I don't do a job that is physically demanding, I sit on my ass all day and yet when I come home it feels as though my life has been sucked out of me and there is little room for anything else but relaxation.
I've been trying to put together what exactly is going on right now, I don't think there has been a time in a my life where things have not only happened so quickly but just start piling on top of each other one after the other.
Right now I feel anxious, restless, nervous to get this situation with my health cleared up. I feel these steroids in my body all day, I know they are there and I don't really appreciate it. In fact I hate it to be quite honest, sometimes it scares me to think that I have to be on this stuff on and off for the rest of my life, because I don't feel like myself with them. These symptoms that I have came out of fucking left field and they couldn't come at a worse time. A time where I'm trying to keep my job in good standing since I just got it, my car is totaled, had to deal with insurance people for my pregnant wife who almost didn't give it to us, and a baby on the way. Not to mention some other issues which I've had to deal with on the side. All of it, in a matter of 2 months. Oh yea not to mention, we're broke lol. Especially since not of these things in life are free.

I've tried to tell myself that everything will be ok since I know it will be. It seems as though I've been going about it the wrong way however. I've failed to realize that in order to let go of certain things, you can't put them aside, you can't just expect them to go away, you actually have to let them go.

I'm not a religious person, I'm not one of those people that jump around or tell you that Jesus says this or that God says that and you must do what God says or this will happen, all that to me is bullshit. Especially people that live in this state are obsessed with the idea that God is this and God is that, its kinda of sad really because they seem to live their lives based on solely that. All I know is throughout this whole mess that has happened I had a long talk with God one night, I told him "God I know things happen for a reason, but all these things are going on too fast too soon, hopefully you can help us" and the next week I got into a wreck that totaled my car. Was it bad news? Hell yea it was, but now...they are telling me I don't have to pay the monthly payment on the car anymore. A blessing in disguise? Dad always told me that God works in mysterious ways. So whether he be real or not, someone out there is listening...

As far as Zulen and I go, its definitely a rocky start to a marriage, we haven't even been married a year and all this crazy stuff is going on. But I can tell that we are learning something out of this, I've never been happier being married to her. As far as the future goes we are still deciding how that is going to come about with apartments and things like that, but I feel as though through all of this we are going to learn something important that will hopefully keep us strong for years to come. Usually at my job there aren't many 21 year olds who do what I do, all of the people I work with are 10 years or older than I am. I know we are on the right track, I know that at one point in our lives we will look back at this and thank God for all we have. Soon we are going to have a family, and we're going to be in charge of raising a human being. As the days come closer my mind races even faster. I think it might have finally hit me a certain point these past few weeks that its almost here. I can't wait to meet the person my wife has been dreaming about all her life, or the little person I feel in her stomach. We may not be adults just yet, but I hope that our kid will enjoy what we have to offer at the moment whether it be something small or big.

For the moment I'm going to stop, even though I feel like saying so much more, now I have to figure out how the hell I'm going to function at work especially in a class with managers :( I just hope they don't know I'm there today lol.