yes, you guessed it ppl, insomnia once again...no point in sleeping when so much thought is in your head, it would just make me daydream the next day instead. For some weird ass reason I can't seem to stop thinking about everything, I ask myself why I must think about so much at night?
I'm reading a postcard by my mother...I don't know what to think anymore...I want to believe so much that she has changed, but I'm scared that she hasn't. For the first time in all the years that I have been with her, I actually miss her...I'm sad to know that maybe it's too late for her to come back into our lives now, my dad seems to have made a decision, a decision that me and my sisters alike despise. It feels as if something is still missing, it so true that you never appreciate what you have until you don't have it. I don't have a mother, never did...but I wish she becomes better, I wish she could be normal, I've always wondered how it would have been if she was acting like an actual mom. I don't know, it's so strange to hate someone, and then miss them for the same thing you've hated them for. I'm not saying I miss the way she treated us, in reality I hated the fact that she was there, so that's what I miss, I miss her being there.
It's so hard to live a life of bullshit, saying that this person next to you is your mother, or hugging someone you hate, smiling at them for the bullshit they have put you through...I don't want this shit anymore, I hate faking so much every fucking day just to make my dad happy. Fuck her for treating him like shit, I would gladly ruin her life once she does it again.
I want the person who has always loved my dad back, and I know she still does. I know he does too, but he stupidly had a kid with this wench, and now everything is fucked.
But once again I'm scared of going through the same thing we have so gladly passed. It just doesn't seem right to me, I hate this women who is with my dad right now, she doesn't deserve him, she doesn't deserve to call me her son, she can go fuck herself and have a son of her own.
Maybe I'm being too vulgar, but that's the only way I can express my anger towards her, the only other way of doing that would be to kick her out of this country forever, and I would be happy. But my dad is a grown man, he makes his own decisions, and I seriously doubt this one however, but just to make him happy, even though it sickens me, I will agree with it for now.
But nothing will ever change the fact that I want my mom back, but there is nothing I can do, all I can do is smile and wave, and say hi to a person I really want to say bye to.
Well that's only one thing out of a billion more thoughts in my mind, shows you how loaded on Mountain Dew I am. But N E wayz, I'm still wondering what this year will bring, I don't want it to begin, but everything must have a beginning...
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