The title explains pretty much this year in general so far. last week and the beginning of this week have changed a lot for me already. on Monday some guy committed suicide in my school in the middle of the school courtyard, both my sisters had hardcore fights with their hubbies, my dad might get a new house this year, I broke up with what's her face lol, and I've realized some things that have probably been lurking in my mind for some time, I might still be confused about them but I think I've uncovered something...at least I hope so... So that was last week by the way.
Last week, after so much stress of school and school and school and asking myself constantly why do I need to know so badly what it is I want to do with my life. I asked God to help me, for my whole life it has seemed that God, at least in my belief, has helped through many times. Believe or not he answers your prayers, if not soon, later in life but in such a way that only you can interpret the meaning of his answers. Some would say is it really God or just a coincedence?
But well, I asked him ever so carefully watching every word I say knowing that life has its ways of becoming ironic, I asked God to help me, to help me find what I should do, what is it that I want to do with my life? I know I am only 18, but for some reason I feel so rushed, as if something will happen soon that will prevent me from ever reaching my goal. Maybe its just me but I've been sensing that all last month, as if something huge was about to happen, maybe I'm just going crazy...
The day after I asked God to help me, I went to school, going into the building I realized how much this school can offer, awards, trophies, honors from high class companies...But I've never been one to be involved in such nonsense. I went to english class, the teacher gave me a look as if I hadn't been there for ages, and I haven't. We sat down, listened to the crappy announcements about how we should not have ipods, or cd players or what not in the school and they kept talking about much more they should imprison us in this facility, lol. Then the teacher told us to open our books.
Now in class I have always loved to read out loud, I read so good compared to the people that read so slow in class lol, and I like to show off that I'm not a retard. I've also found the stories in english class to be so interesting some not so much but lots of the stories in those books are definitely a good read. n e ways, ADD attacks! lol We opened our books to an excerpt from a book called "Self-Reliance" by: Ralph Waldo Emerson, he was a leader in the Transcendentalist movement (non-conformists). He wrote about how society has become so lazy in conforming with what everyone else is doing. Doctors, lawyers, nurses, all these high class jobs and people have all tried to become one thing that the world is becoming the same. I wish I could write the excerpt in the blog but I'm sure there are copyright issues involved lol, so I'm not planning on being sued, but if you want more info then read "Self-Reliance" anyways. He also says that people do not change the world by conforming, if the whole world was to conform and not at least try to be something different then the world would fall apart. As I read this, I realized that so many others that have tried to be "rebels" for lack of a better word, to society have had such a difficult and long road to become such great people in time.
But this whole excerpt explained so much about me, every single day I questioned why is it that I must do something that I hate so much? I go to school, I hate it, even the teachers hate it, ok maybe its because I'm a kid, but why is it when I write in class or read aloud in class that i love it so much, I mean the only reason I go to school, is because in my mind I think I must...I don't want to dissapoint you guys, I don't want my dad stressed out from him thinking that I will be nothing in my life, and all it takes is one little piece of paper that will take you beyond what you can accomplish in society, but what does that lead a person to? Sure, I may become a doctor, I may become a lawyer, some title by which society can call me a great person, but how often will I be with my family? Does money really make a person happy or things just easier? Truth is I go to school so everyone else can be happy, not me... But yet I want to see what's in store for me if I do follow this path, and yet I don't...
My dad must be so angry at me right now...I love him so much I really do, he has been nothing but an idol in my eyes my whole entire life, he comes home after a long day, takes care of his family even when he doesn't want to, he loves each and every one of us so much. And I can't help to think that maybe he is dissapointed in me lately, because he doesn't understand me as much as I want him to...he works and works and works, I never saw him for a longer time, and now i've just got used to him not being there so much. whenever he comes home I just enclose myself in my room, and he's in the living room tired as can be, and I want to connect with him so badly, I want to tell him so many things, I wish I could just open up to him and tell him what I think what I feel, but he has his own things to worry about, several times I've tried to talk to him, several times I've tried to tell him what's on my mind, and he just nods his head, and tells me about the car he wants to buy next...So I just gave up, he's mad at me right now for not going to school, it urks me to see his face when he picks up the phone and its my school telling him I didn't go. But truth is high school is pissing me off, i've just had it, i see nothing they can offer me at this school, I want to move on, see what I want to do in my life, and I sure as hell won't find it in that place.
And of course I'm scared of what might happen, one day I might look back and realize how much of a fool I really am for taking a certain path. In the future I might realize many other things, and it seems like when you are a teenager you constantly make mistakes no matter what the hell you are doing, but I've never felt so certain in my life then to take my GED and go to college. because this place has offered me nothing but anger and regret for a long time. And I'm sure you guys are reading this either shaking your head, or even rejoicing as you read it, whatever it is I hope you all realize that I go to school to make you guys happy, because if you guys were ever dissapointed or angry at me I would have nobody, no one. There is so much I can say about this right now, and it feels so good to finally release this on this here computer monitor. God only knows what will happen in this next few weeks or months, but then again who wants to know right?
I hope that you guys understand this post, I hope that you can understand what it is I'm thinking about everyday, I pray that my dad could just read this once, and understand what it is his son is doing, or thinking, instead of coming home and only seeing one side of him...I wish he could see the true me, but all he gets to see is the son that won't go to school simply because he doesn't care, I just hope that he can see past that...I hope all of you can. I might not be this great person the world has ever seen, I might not be rich or have an easy life, but all I need in life is my heart and my mind, because they will never judge or fail me, my eyes have seen so much already in this life, I wish I could see so much more, I wish I could share with the rest of the world the beauty I see in them all, when I see people I see how beautiful they really are inside, your eyes tell it all to me. I just wonder what everyone else sees in me.........
J.M.T.-END (first post of 2007)
6 comments:
ok, i just read the first half of your post and before i continue, i have to make a comment before i forget.lol.
you say that dad comes home after working all day, day after day...and he was made because you didn't go to school...well, that is why he is mad skik. Because he doesn't want that to be your future, to work all day like a dog just to get by in life. He wants better for you. Just like a parent, I want better for my girls...
See, you're right. It does suck. I was very much like you when it came to hating school. I think the majority of us are...because we are forced to go, we have to learn about what they want to teach us, what we are allowed and nothing else, we have to go buy their rules..and all the hypocrism and stupidity that came with it....
Unforunatley, I hate to tell you that life after high school is not much different. And I've learned that it is VERY HARD to survive going against society all the time- eventually it catches up to you and traps you. Starting from the smallest thing, specially in America everything is structured, from the moment you start driving, to getting credit cards- the govt owns you. And if you rebel, if you decide against it, without an army it will be very hard to get through life....you can end up in jail, or jobless, with no credit, no money. Of course, money isn't everything, and no it doesn't make you happy. BUT, it provides food for you to eat, a roof over your head, clothes for your back..you get the point.
When I lived in NY, I came accross allot of people from the true ghetto parts that came from nothing, that barely had any food or clothes. Their future was destined to be a drug dealer if they wanted to make money, or be on welfare....instead they chose to get a degree a get a real job and they managed to get out of the ghetto, which very few do.
I know what you mean, about how unfair it is, that a peice of paper is needed to be "successful" in life dude...but remember this, it's not really the peice of paper, but what it stands for:
It stands for you not giving up, it stands for you working hard for something, it stands for reaching your goals...and that Mike, will help you in life.
Dad may not have a degree, but he is the smartest man I know, because he represents and stands for all of that. We are lucky to have had him as a teacher.
i will have to read the second half and make another comment- lol
i understand that completely dude, but please understand that I'm not trying to drop out of school completely, even in my second half it really didn't explain that too well. so just know that i'm trying to get my GED so i can go directly to college. my plan is to take the sat's in march, and wait a semester for nova to end, and then go directly to college, i'm not saying i want to not go to school at all i just want to get out of this godforsaken high school. who knows maybe college won't be any different, but you know it doesn't really help you when you see freshmen coming in for the 5th time, well tell me what else you think once you read the rest of my blog, if you really can't understand it please read it again...
Ok, I trust that you have thought about this and you have good reasons behind your decisions, like the ones that you mentioned in your post. You know, that we will support you in whatever path you decide to take.
Of course, if you decided to jump off a building, I wouldn't support that..lol. But I don't see this as being that bad. I understand Mike.
But just please promise that you will follow through your plans. Don't get sidetracked, as we all do with the shit that happens in life- like me and Skika, marriage, kids..jobs that we don't like. Even though its not late for us to change, remember that you still have a good chance to make a change. Your time is now. THis is it.
What I think of you is that you are smart and know what you're doing. If you think this will work out better for you then go for it.
But just remember Skik, that very few people in this world have it where opportunities just fall in thier lap. Some are lucky and happen to be at the right place at the right time. Some are handed things right to them, but then those people don't have the pride in saying that they accomplished something.
YOu know, when I got my first job I was so proud of myself. Dad took me to my interview and like you I went in there and got the job right away. Dad was proud too, just like he was of you. BUt Mom, I'll never forget gave me no credit for getting the job on my own. She kept saying, "We are so lucky that they are giving you a job," like they gave it to me because they felt sorry for me. I wanted her to realize that I got the job on my own, because they saw something good in me, maybe potential...and to this day she is the same. She says "We are so lucky they LET you buy a house." She doesn't give me and D credit for working my ass off day in day out to reach our dream of buying a house.
SO I guess the point is, most times it's not about luck dude. God is going to reward you for being a good person, with a good heart. He's going to see that you mean well and work hard, and that you love your family, he's going to see the beautiful person that you are in the inside and in the end, you will find happiness, that will be your biggest reward.
I remember when Vanessa graduated … the look in dad’s eye … he was soo proud. Eventhough, I was never able to give that to him, I am happy that he got to see it. That feeling. The feeling of looking at your child on stage…and saying, Damn I am so proud of my kid. He/ She stuck it through no matter what. No matter how tough it got.
That feeling you only understand once you are a parent. I never understood why it was so important. I thought so what … it’s a piece of paper. Who the hell cares. Little did I know a lesson was about to unfold. Nobody could change my mind. That is ALL something we inherited from Abeuli Amalia herself…being stubborn…lmao…
Vanessa went along “with society” more then I did…:} I was a carefree Spanish hippie that didn’t give a shit about what the f*** happened to me. I was so disappointed in myself later on (when I realized the fu888in grief I put mom and dad through … I can only pray to GOD for mysake now….lmao
But Mike w/out those experiences…I wouldn’t be older & wiser. I think you need to do what is right for you and do something you will be able to handle. You have to prioritize. If school is your #1 priority then cut back hours at work and go for it. Dad would support that.
I have to go to the financial aid office on Monday, cb would b w/ the kids…so if you want to come with me to apply or talk to a counselor about diff options … then just let me know.
Hey – since we are all here … maybe we could go out and eat somewhere for Vani’s bday :}
hey!! lol..i'm at work now, cuz i still don't have freakin internet at home. but i'd love to hang out this weekend. i'll call youz later!
love ya!
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