Its been so long since I've been in this state of mind. I can't sleep tonight with the amount of thoughts circling around in my head.
Tonight I took a good look into my room, I took a look into myself, my head, my car, the way I take care of myself. Before I used to think, thank God I'm not like one of those bums who don't do a thing everyday. But damn look at what I'm doing now...I'm doing just that...as if I just snapped inside. I had a goal, I had this starvation for success, I felt the determination flowing through me. I cleaned my room once in a while, I paid attention to my thoughts, I read the newspaper trying to catch up on life itself. Yet I look at myself now, 20 pounds lighter, up at 4 am, sleeping in a landfill, without the slightest idea of what I'm doing to myself. Damn God did I let myself collapse? How could I go from doing what I've always wanted to do, to falling through the cracks. And to think that I had not realized all of this until just now...To think that I had ignored everything, my health, my school, my family, my mind. What did I just wake up from? What was it that helped me break through this bubble of a person that I have become? No I can't do this shit anymore, I can't expect to live a fulfilling life living this way. I feel like I've lost control of everything, and I can't do it anymore. I can't watch myself in the mirror and stare into the person looking back at me and see him crumble. It just goes to show you, even if you think you have everything you need, there are still things you still have no control of. What ever happened to me these past few months, I hope it never shows itself again...I just wish I knew how to control it...Maybe I never will, but at least I know I have people near me who give a shit about me, at least I know they will never let me fall, thank God for them, because who knows what I'd be doing now....probably nothing.
4 comments:
Mike - We love you, no matter where you are at, what you are doing, what's going on - WE ARE ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU. If you need any help, please never ever ever hesitate to ask. If I have it, it's yours. I just want you to know that. We have each other -always- All of us have been there....but...you need the support around you...the people to pull you out of it when you can't identify it yourself.
Whatever it was, just remember we are human. We have been through so much Mike - the stress, can catch up to you. It takes a hold of you. When you start to shut people out...there is most def. something wrong. Just telling you more about me and how I used to deal with crap. I learned that it's the worst thing to do. I need people to help me get through it!!!
I LOVE YOU! Can't wait to see you and Vani this weekend, you have some time to chill?
Cool Template
WOAH awesome template!! I love you!
5 yrs later, lol. 1- i love your new look! 2- now that i've been home i've been getting into that same kinda "rut"..combination of too much time, not enough motivation...but the most important thing is that you saw this for yourself. sometimes i notice too and i'm afraid to "lecture" you cuz i know u hear it from dad and i remember being your age and it gets annoying. but i think that is why i had that dream about me going over there and cleaning and doing a makeover on your room, lol
we would NEVER let you get to that point..i rather you hate me or be annoyed with me..for a while cuz i know eventually you would realize we do it because we love you.
we go through so many phases in our lives mike, and make mistakes we just have to learn from them. remember the "balance" speech from dad? just try and remember that, when you catch yourself playing too much video games and your start noticing the landfill in your room get worse, shut down the game, force yourself to clean, get out the house a little..things like that.
i try and do that here, everytime i can feel myself getting bored or down, i get up and take the girls to the park or pool...remember that an idle mind is dangerous. we have to have goals, ambitions, keep yourself busy with work or school, whatever. but balance everything in your life...
well enuff of the lecture, lol. we love you. and remember i don't mind kicking your ass from time to time, dont be surprised if i show up with a big trash bag and gloves! lol
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