OMG THIS MIGHT BE MY NEW CAR IN THE FUTURE!!!

Aptera is the new 300 mpg electric car of the future. Now looking at this picture you might think, yea sure we heard it all, its gonna cost me about a million dollars to own one of these cars. But nope, in possibly 2008 or 2009 or just soon lol, the Aptera will go on sale on the market for 30,000 dollars, with financing available like any other normal car. Read about the friggin amazing features it has.

JUST CLICK ON THE PICTURE TO READ THE ARTICLE. :D

Clouds of Thought

Hundreds of miles in the air, on top of the sky, no houses, trees, or cars. No buildings, nothing, the horizon shows a landscape of puffy white clouds, the sun glowing orange shines upon this seemingly different planet...Up there it seems so clear, one feels as if heaven is right out your window and God is waiting for you...

I miss the days in which I used to sleep peacefully, when I used to be able to calm my thoughts and go right to sleep, when I had nothing to worry about simply because I didn't have to worry about it. I miss those days when I could touch my mother's skin, when I could hear her sing to me, and look at her smile. I miss those days when my dad used to take us all out to the park to play, when he used to kiss my forehead before he went to work every morning. I remember thinking about how I felt like I never had a mother, when in reality I had 3. I remember those days when the only question I had about life, was how come my mom is crazy?

I remember the first time I looked into the sky, and thought about my life...I thought about how much I wanted God to answer me, just for once, for him to show himself to me and answer my questions.

Now, everything has changed, I have the ability to see the world that I have been living in for so long. To finally realize that my life was not the only one that existed.
Its at this point when you ask yourself this question, what is my purpose in life? I asked myself this many times of course.
So far, all I can think of is that, for some reason...it seems as though someone wants us to learn something...Have you ever stopped and thought about why things would happen?
For instance, we do bad things in our life we might live eternally in hell...But why? What good will come out of that? How will anyone be able to learn anything from eternal damnation? Why are we supposed to be good though? There is a mysterious answer to these questions...Why were we put here? To be born, to live possibly suffer, learn, and die?... You've got to be joking right? There must be more to this life then just learn and die...Sure if I do great things in my life I will go to heaven, and live happily ever after...but what was the point of me being put on Earth in the first place?
Its interesting to me to this about these things, like if you do something horrible in your life...how will you be judged?
I look in the eyes of my nieces and my nephews, and I wonder what their lives will be like, what adventures their minds will bring them. I wonder...What memories will bring them to tears, what memories will hurt them or bring them joy?

I start to think about the future and I think about my own kids. It sucks that they will not be part of the rest of the kids, that they will not be able to play with the rest of them, grow up with them. That maybe some of the great people in my family that live now will be gone by the time I do have kids.
I also start thinking how it would have been if I was almost the same age as my cousins and my sisters. It just feels like I missed so much, like I came at a time when things were changing... I think during Christmas is when I feel like this most...Especially now... Everyone is grown up and has a career or a good job that pays well. It just urks me to see my nephews, my nieces, my baby brother and sister, and it sucks that I can't give anything to them. Because I remember a time when my uncle invited us to his house, everybody got a present except for me, and I remember what's its like to be a kid, I remember all those presents I used to get. And those kids see a present from everyone else except for me, and that may not hurt them but it hurts me, because I feel so...I don't know...delayed. That is how I stay happy, that is what makes me happy, giving. That is what I love to do, give to the people I care about. That's why I kind of don't like this secret santa shit, because I have to give a present to Philipe, sure he's my cousin, but not like he really gives a flying fuck about my life. I want to pay back for all those great memories that my true family has given me...And maybe that's why I feel like I need to do something special in this world...because I could careless if I became a millionaire and was by myself, my dream would be to share it with my family, I couldn't enjoy that alone. And I'm sure you guys will probably say, its ok dude, we know you are still going to school and shit. But I feel like I want to be done with it already, as if I should be 5 years ahead of myself. I found the love of my life, I found my degree, now let me live my life. I want to have a family with her, marry her, see her beautiful face in that white gown as she's smiling down the aisle...It just feels as if I was delayed, I shouldn't have to earn the ability to start my life...Many ppl who have the ability to start one shouldn't have one in the first place, many people in this world who have money don't know how to use it or don't deserve it...sigh

I look back outside the plane, I see an opening in the clouds, I see tiny little people, trying to find a meaning to what God has given them. Working their asses off to feed their families, I see a traffic jam, cars filled with people doing what they think is right, waking up early every morning just to have food on the table, whether it be for themselves or for the family. I see hundreds of little tiny specs...that's all we are in this universe, tiny little dots that can be happy and suffer at the same time, little dots trying to figure each other out, trying to believe that somewhere somehow there will be an explanation as to why they exist in the first place. Some dots are finding a way to survive everyday, while some throw away a 600 dollar plate of food someone would have had to work all month just to afford.
Sometimes I would look out the window and I would think it seems pointless to think about what each person is doing down there, to try and grasp the meaning of life when its different for everybody...But to tell you the truth, you start to learn about your own life when you learn about others...

Sigh

Sometimes I look into the sky during those cloudy stormy nights, and I wish I could be a part of those clouds. They get to go as they please, vanish as they wish, the clouds travel all around the world and with that stormy weather brings a certain soothing feeling that I just love. Lately I feel rather strange, on certain days during the past few weeks I feel as if my thoughts have been taking me places inside my head that I have kept locked for a while. My dreams have become violent and unpredictable and there is a shift in the air that is keeping my body tilted instead of balanced. There are even days that my negativity has surrounded me so profoundly that my mind is engulfed in depression. I go online and I read some of the descriptions of my symptoms and it scares me to think that I might be going nuts...I read about bipolar disorder. It states about 4-6 different states of mania that the person can experience, and as I read each description my mothers actions came into play and unfortunately some of my symptoms showed up as well. I kept reading about the controversy of bi-polarism and the strange yet true fact that most so called geniuses of our era and the past have been diagnosed with some sort of bi-polarism. It has also been linked to creativity yet no one knows why...
It made me wonder...What price do you have to pay for being different in this world? What price do you have to pay for letting yourself ask questions about life?
As I kept reading, it also stated that the disorder begins around my age and becomes full blown during the mid years of a person's life.......

And as I read and read I pictured myself in my mother's shoes, the mood swings.....I can't control my moods, I really can't...One minute I could be happy and the next I could be completely depressed....Yet I noticed that it only happens when I'm alone...

Maybe I am just paranoid about the whole situation, but the fact of the matter is, I do feel very strange lately, and nothing I do can help it.

Its been 8 months since i've seen you baby....and i'm going crazy without you...I'd rather be going crazy with you than to have you hear me depressed on the phone again...I swear sometimes it feels as if we are trapped,
My heart and my mind beg for your presence because my mind doesn't believe me when I tell it that I have seen an angel before and yet when my eyes meet yours, it knows i'm telling the truth. I love you.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21672476/

Xbox 360 Maker Microsoft just announced something that every parent will love.

Every game console has parental controls but Microsoft took it one step further, parents can set time limits for their child on a weekly or daily basis after the time limit is met the console will no longer be playable until the next time set.

Kanye West's Mother Died

Autopsy expected in death of Kanye West's mother

http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/Music/11/13/donda.west.ap/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

Coincidence?!???

http://www.clevelandleader.com/node/3508
Indian Doctors Operate on Eight-Limbed Girl Deemed a "Goddess"

early morning thoughts

Time has gone by so fast this year that I didn't even notice the month I was in. It hasn't hit me yet... The fact there is only a 7 more weeks to the end of the year...
How in the world did that happen? I have no idea...I guess the more you do in a year the faster time seems to fly.
I just read some of the posts that I had written so many months and years ago...its incredible how much my life has changed in the past 3 years. The way I reason with myself, the way I express my feelings, the way I speak and think has also changed. Every year I start to ask myself what have I learned? What has this year brought me that will be a great tool for me in the future? Because it seems as if every year that passes another answer is being brought to my attention, another problem is being solved and yet there seems to be an infinite amount of questions.
This year, I have lost my faith in destiny and yet gained appreciation for God. It seems to me that if our destinies were already written, then why the hell should I even try to go to school or live a better life? Why should I bother to worry? About anything for that matter. This year I have learned that fate and destiny are completely different. Yes I believe in fate, I don't think things happen coincidently all the time. I believe that sometimes some miracles can happen, but only if you feel that the miracle will truly help your situation.
As always I still trust the presence of a God, a being that has created this vast world for us...

Now strangely enough, and I've said this before, one's life can change in less then a second. The year isn't over however, but its usually at this point of the year that I start thinking about what next year will bring us all.
I have many things to expect from next year, especially with my dad having this new baby coming along soon...I start thinking...how is this going to affect my dad and I. New questions like...Does love truly fade? Will our next president be better? Will Britney Spears get her act together? lol.

Yes, its almost hard to believe that soon another year will begin...My God how time flies...next thing you know I'll be old as hell and everyone will have to keep me from tipping over as I walk lol.

This year I also realized what my Dad has been telling me for so long...About how kids growing up so fast...I just hope Vanessa and Caroline enjoy your kids now cuz pretty soon they'll be so old that they'll fall in love and by then it'll be too late to come back...
Dad misses us alot you know :( He is a little worried about you both with your situations...I think right now I think he wishes that we all lived together again in one big ass house so no one can hurt you guys...At least that's what he told me :) Dad's 60th B-day is this coming March...I feel like this is my chance to really tell him how much I appreciate everything he has ever done for us all...
He's not a perfect man, but his imperfections and mistakes have made his mind prepared for the worst, I just hope God can give him a break...Just for once...a vacation from himself...he talks about how he thinks coming here might have been a bad idea, how maybe our lives would have been happier and more fulfilling living in Bolivia...and I told him
Dad, everything you have done with us and this family you have done your best, and that is the best thing you can ever do...I hope one day he realizes what a great father he truly is, I wish we could show him, but he would never admit it anyway :)

A Tearful Night

I asked myself the same question over and over and over again since I've met her...Whenever I saw her I never thought that one day she would change my whole life, she would help me grow...
Through her I realized what a relationship takes, that the heart beats for a reason other than just giving us life, it beats so you may share your life with others...
Whenever I am gone for a long time during the day she calls me repeatedly to find out where I have been, she worries so much about me...

.......Though I have been asleep these past few hours I have still been crying the whole night. I am with her and the world is our friend not our enemy, when I'm with her it seems like everything I've done in life is already accomplished, I don't have to look any further...
Someone once told me I have no idea what love is because I am still young, but how can that be when everyone has their own idea of love...That's all I hear all day, that I am too young, but they don't realize that I am not like other people... The world to me is so much more than what we think we see, when you look at a tree what do you see? Do you see a tree? I see different, I see life, a part of the world, a cycle that has existed for millions of years between trees and the Earth.
Life has made me feel alone my whole time on this planet...From sitting by myself everyday in the school cafeteria, to having my sisters move out, to my mom and the person that I cry about taken so far away from me that I can't hug them whenever I want to...
I look at her on the webcam...Her lips so pink, her eyes so full of heart, her face so beautiful, all I have to do is say hi and I can make her smile...

I thought it would be so easy...To wait for her... But I find that its eating away at me little by little every passing minute...I hate feeling alone, my heart hurts, my head hurts from thinking, my eyes have run out of tears, and yet the clock still runs, the world still shifts, and I start to feel like I'm growing apart...
She is missing the best time in my life...both my mom and her...
Whoever said money isn't everything obviously didn't live in this future...

When she cries my heart sinks, I have broken her heart before, and when she cried I felt the crack...

My God baby, if only the world knew how much I miss your touch, your smell, your soft skin...

Sometimes I think maybe God separated us because we would be too perfect for each other, its like we have to do a great deal of suffering before we are happy.
That's fine God, but to the point where my heart feels like bleeding? To the point where I feel leaving this place for good? To the point where my past haunts me and I have to feel that horrible loneliness again?
Stop doing this to us, you shouldn't break good people...

I don't want other woman, I don't want their crap, I don't want their touch, I want her, and I can't even have her, I'm tired of having to hide from her parents, I'm tired of not being able to touch her or hug her when she is crying or feeling down, I'm tired of breaking her heart because I'm sick of it all...

Sometimes I think maybe I don't deserve her, maybe my dad's curse has transferred to me, its as if I've been starving this whole time and someone dangles a piece of meat lets me taste it and never gives it back...

...I have nothing else...to say.

Politics

Maybe its something that I was born with, maybe it was a power within that I have yet to tap into but my feeling was right, this month has been a bad month. Mostly little things that come together to fuck you over like usual. But hey at least another month is about to begin soon, it almost feels like another bright day is about to begin. Truthfully I'm mostly saddened by the fact that summer is still here lol. I love the cold weather, and I love weather where there is a slight hint of warmth but and nice cool breeze to accompany it in return. I have to say, college is truthfully a way to learn things about this country in general. So far its only been a month, but I've learned things about the politics in this country that have truly pissed me off. Recently, in the news I read that the U.S. is letting terrorists in Guantanamo Bay acquire lawyers for their cases. What the FUCK? And meanwhile we are arresting and kicking out illegal immigrants that are here to work. That's also another tricky situation, I was supporting kicking out the bad illegals, the ones that do damage to our society, the ones that gang bang and have no right to fuck up our country as they have to theirs. But that's not what we are doing, we are eliminated the bulk of the work force in this country instead. True they are illegals, but that's what America was built on, we are all immigrants, the italians, the asians, the europeans, back in the day all came to this country to work and get better lives, and its because we worked together that our country is so powerful and great. And then people talk about illegals feeding off the government when I bet that 30 percent of Americans that collect welfare just do it because they dont' want to work. What we need to do is have a background check for every illegal here, if that background check provides information like the fact that they are here to work, or they have no criminal background then why shouldn't they stay? If they are criminals then kick them the fuck out of our country we don't need them, we don't need those type of people here anymore. And why does the process take so long? For people who are legit and want to work why does it take so long to process them?
There are so many different types of issues that I have been so interested in and until now I haven't been exactly clear on. I keep thinking, one day my generation is going to take over responsibility, and I pray to God that someone out there is learning that the way we are operating this country right now is not the way we need to go. Our Dollar value is dropping every year, something needs to be done, and I wish I was important enough that the president or someone in congress would be able to care about what I talk about, I just wish the rest of the country would come to agreement because that's what is going on. So many people agree and disagree and nothing is getting done. We are more worried about situation in other countries when we have our own problems to deal with, we need to deal with us, spend that money on us, those other countries don't want us there in the first place. I can't say I'm fully democrat or fully republican, because both parties in my opinion are bullshit, so I stay moderate, because I like ideas from both. And to tell you the truth our candidates for presidents are disappointing. Hilary still wants to be in Iraq, Obama has barely any experience, Giuliani I haven't heard a peep from him and all he does is dis Hilary, I was hoping Al Gore would have been president but he is a hypocrite, talking about saving the Earth when he himself flew over 50 times in a jet plane across the world to do his documentary, so much for air travel being the top polluter Gore, not to mention the fact he owns a chevy blazer that his chaffeur drives him around with. I just hope that somebody shows some strength during the next elections, I just hope that this country does better next year, because right now Bush isn't our only problem, its everyone in politics.

A moment of insanity

I feel something so close to me right now...It is a prescence I haven't felt for months. A prescence of darkness...It feels as if something is guiding me through this night even though my mind is fast asleep. My thoughts are racing as they never have before, the night is shifting so quickly inside my head and the prescence keeps pushing its way inside me. It is so heavy, it feels as if my heart is being grabbed and my shirt is being tugged and tugged, the eerie thoughts of fowl memories brings my head and down and opens up a world in which I've kept shut for many months now...I can't hold it any longer...

It was so many months ago, it feels as if years have gone by, I did it and I did not understand why I did what I had done. To this day I still do not believe why it felt right at the moment, how could I possibly have done this so carelessly? My mind was going in circles not focusing at any moment, not taking the rest of my body into mind.

I remember that night that I had told her, she already expected it...I heard her heart break at the other end of the phone, I listened to her cry as she has never cried ever in front of me...I swear to you that every tear that dropped down her cheek was felt through me...She was so in love with me...and I broke her...The very girl I've dreamnt about since I was old enough to know what a girlfriend was...The same girl who I saved...The same girl who saved me...I felt her words shatter my sould piece by piece, the way she cried stroke a song of agony inside my heart that can still be heard today within me...That night we tore each other apart even though we never realized it...That night I felt the same prescence near me that I do now...but I ask myself why do I feel it again, why does it return to haunt my very existence ever again? It feels as if it is a warning... I feel like a warning has been given to me...I am trembling because of this prescence that I feel but do not understand nor can I see...After that night I realized that karma would come to get me eventually...Is this prescence warning me that soon I will pay? ........................I feel very bad about this month.............I hope I am just crazy.

Dad

I look at him and I wonder what he thinks about. Even though I barely talk to him during the day I am worried about him. Constantly watching tv, arguing with ayde, getting angry at the kids, and of course getting stressed out. And unfortunately for me, when he gets stressed out he likes to take it out on me for some reason, I guess it makes him feel better, but I hope he realizes it just hurts me. I'm trying to hear, I hope you do good in school mike, or congrats on getting into nova or i'm glad you didn't give up...But instead he constantly tells me i need a new job and yells at me for not cleaning my room, thats why i always close my door, cuz whenever i try to say hi to him the first he does and tells me to clean my room and blah blah blah blah. all day everyday, but i know deep inside he is worried about something. I know my dad, I've lived with him for almost 20 years, its too bad that during those 20 years I haven't had the chance to develop a friend type relationship with him. I mean I try to sometimes and it never works, I mean I try to talk to him but either he doesn't listen to me or he just spaces out. Maybe that's why I just stopped trying. But though I did, I'm still worried about him, for some reason he doesn't look happy, and that troubles me. It bothers me every minute thinking my dad is unhappy, i'm sure the fact that ayde is prego doesn't help the situation, it must really be getting to him. I truly hope he is ok, I wish he could tell me what was wrong, I wish I could ask him without getting a stupid comment like Mike your crazy you don't know what your talking about. But he's my dad, and unfortunately I really thought that maybe one day I would be able to warm up to ayde. But as days go by I seem to hate her more and more and more. She wants another kid and she can't even take care of the ones she has now. At night my dad is the one that has to wake up to feed daniella or help gabriel fall back asleep, when my dad has to wake up at 4:30 am to go to work. Its not fair, and she thinks its a fucking joke, she laughs everytime someone asks her, so what are you gonna do now? And she makes a stupid ass comment, trying to be a smart ass. I'm so sick of this, I really am. I'm trying so hard to focus on other things, but I have to see both of them like this every fucking day and it really urks me. Especially when my dad takes it out on me and I know its not me, he's worried about something else when he does that. And its worse that I dont know what to do about it, I mean really what can I do? All I can do is watch them, observe them, listen to them, like I've been doing for so long. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish that ayde was a "normal" version of my mom. and I thought i could cope with the fact that my dad found a new woman, but I can't, because she is a bitch, she is nothing but a fucking bitch and I can't stand her anymore, I really fucking can't...And she's trying to use me as her little pawn also, trying to make me drive her to maryland, the store, take care of the kids. I mean fine the store, i'll help you out, but when you want me to wake up at 4 in the morning just to take you to a pathetic stupid ass job that you barely make money in, hell fucking no, and she knows i need to go to school...i could stand her when she wasn't trying to constantly annoy me, but now she is pissing me off, and this baby thing is just making it worse. And through all of this I see Daniella, and Gabriel...Both so young and have no idea what is going on...and the fact that ayde and my dad do not truly love each other is a serious factor that will affect these kids lives in the future and i hope someone realizes that...but once again...what can i do? I can't drag her away, i can't force my dad to find someone else, i can't support those kids myself, so what the fuck can i do? All i can do is hope, hope that soon, things will look better, because for a while they haven't been looking so good.
And damn it I miss my dad, I miss spending time with him, I miss being his sidekick, it feels like its over now, and I just hope that God will allow my dad to be happy again, whatever way that may be. This is partly why I'm going to school, because I need to see my dad look at me as I get up there to get my degree, that is my dream, and if that doesn't happen I don't think I would ever be happy either...

Sometimes I get so friggin depressed when I think about one day my dad won't be there anymore...and it really scares me...i don't know if I could ever handle that with just tears...I don't know if every tear that trickled down from my eyes could do the justice of how scary that would be...or even with my mom...sometimes life is cruel before it even does anything to you...Sometimes I ask myself why do I think about those things? And it just makes it worse, because my answer always is...because one day it will happen...That's why is hurts me to see him like this, at least his kids give him strength, i see the glow in his eyes whenever he speaks to one of my sisters, he loves you both with all of his heart, he talks about what he worried about with both of you everyday...And whenever he sees daniella and gabriel he looks as if he is where he should be...he is that type of man, the man that feels reviatilized with the sounds of his children...
And with me I think he is worried that I will give up, or that I will make a bad decision...I know he misses me too...I think I miss lots of people...Sometimes sacrifice is too much, because the things I have to sacrifice to be successful in life seems a little too much at times...Right now I'm going to school and working, and I can't talk to Zulen as much, I barely talk to my dad, I barely see Caroline and her kids, now I see Vanessa once in a while, and before I know it 4 years will be gone and my nieces and my nephews will grow up so friggin fast...Sometimes I don't understand why things have to be this way, why do I have to go through this to be successful, if it was for me I wouldn't do it...I'm doing this for my future, I'm doing this for my kids and my baby, because I could care less where I end up, but I'm doing this so I can support them with all i have and they would know that I tried...I'm doing this so I can hug my dad in my cap and gown and he can finally be proud of me...I wouldn't miss his reaction for the world...And I know its going to be so hard, I just never knew how hard it would really be, and this is only the beginning...I hope my dad will be ok, I hope all the suffering we have done in our lives...will be worth it in the kingdom of heaven...

Earth

The Earth goes round and round millions of times a year. Each second someone is wishing, hoping, praying, thinking, speaking, or even sleeping. All those things circle the Earth as we spin all year not realizing it. No matter how horrible of a day, or how great of day the sun rises and the sun sets. Each day something happens, someone is thinking of the next great thing, someone is having a baby, getting married, getting murdered, having an arguement, and life keeps on going like nothing has happened. So how does one not be selfish? I mean when you are single and you aren't married, are you thinking about your future or are you thinking about what is going to happen now? When you deliver that pizza to an unknown persons door, when you take another mindless customers arguements, when you climb that ladder on the top of the empire state building to just change the lightbulb all the way on the top, are you thinking about you or someone else? When I look at my dad, I look at him and I realize how I am still here in this world, how he never let us down, how sometimes he would work 3 jobs just to support us. No one gave him a helping hand at his worst moments, or maybe his kids did. I look at him and I start wondering how in the hell would I be able to do that if I was in the same situation as he was? Everytime I see him no matter his flaws of spending too much money or buying too many cars, I see this man that sits in front of the computer...He is responsible for me, for giving me support, for loving me and working his ass off for me and all his kids. I start thinking how in the world do I even start to imagine to be responsible for some person's life, to be in charge of how they think, to be responsible of whether or not the world will accept them...That's something you don't think about all the time when you are changing your baby's diaper...
When I got accepted to this college, when I got this job at the same time, and I will have to do everything at the same time and still manage to keep sane, I thought to myself I'm actually doing this, I can actually feel like being my dad, who struggled so hard and sacrificed his own life just to see mine get better...The reason I'm doing this is for myself, and the reason I want this and could do this for myself is because of families like mine, I just hope I can do this...I hope God will listen to my prayers and give me a happy life, whether its like this or not...Life loves to see us fight, to fight for what we believe in, love, strive to be, want, and need.
I can't say I'm not nervous of how I will do in the future, of how my kids will view me, or how happy I will make my wife. To me the only way for myself to be happy is to see everyone around me happy, if I was the only one happy in this world I would have nothing to live for, I couldn't live like that. I'm scared that maybe I will go through with this and it will be for nothing, maybe I won't be as happy as I thought. But at least I can try right? Like I said the world keeps moving, we are a speck in a massive universe, a little speck of a trillion species of animals and working minds, and sometimes it is hard to really be pissed off when you know that a billion other people out there have it worse than you do. But that's why we must worry about our own problems, because in the end all we have is each other.

Strength

Another morning rolls by. A steady noise from the computer carries my thoughts in order. The darkness of my room calms my mind and puts it into a trance. I feel tired though a full night of sleep was completed. Sometimes getting ready for work is a hassle, as if every nerve, every joint or muscle in my body tells me to stop. But sometimes its those days that don't require me to fight myself constantly, I want to stop, it feels as if I can't carry myself any further and then I realize why I need to do this. I need to work hard to get where I have to be, even though that is still uncertain. I read my baby's blog and I realize she suffers along with me, every night I sacrifice another day just to hope to gain another one in return in the future. I wish I could tell you how hard it is to not have the woman you love so far from you. I see so many married people here, that take each other for granted, I wish I was able to do that. If I could just come home to her every night life would be so much better, but what can I do?...Maybe God made it this way to help me see what it is this world is missing when two people love each other. Divorce is so easily considered these days, maybe its because our way of life has changed drastically, our lifestyles don't allow for true love...How can you have time to truly love each other when both are working so hard to focus on the future...But you can't always focus on the future I've learned, what about the present? I come home, I try to rest for another day of work, and God knows I don't feel like talking to anyone, or hanging out all night, but I can't let her slip by, I can't let her go, I must make her part of my day or my day is not complete. 3 years of being together is coming by in 2 months. And every year I feel rejuvenated because one of these months I will see her soon, she will give me strength once again. I could careless what happens to me, and that comes from seeing the world as I have seen it, so much more people need more help than I do. Sigh, another sacrifice is bestowed upon me, I must end this writing now, I must force my mind to close even though thoughts still linger, and my hand itches to tell it to you all. Before I go though, one of the main things I've learned, is that to love them you must also respect them, because when the lack of respect for one another sets in, another big fight occurs, more pain and fuel is added to the fights each time, so when do you go when you think all love is over? When you lack respect for one another, because that is something that you can never get back.
I must go now to work, I will probably be late, but I could careless, good bye for now, don't forget what day it is today...JMT

This is why I love Thunderstorms

2 weeks have passed since I acquired this job. And in those 2 weeks I've experienced some of what the adult life has to offer. In the beginning of this month, I've thought about so many things. Sometimes I get angry at myself for being so lazy, because I feel the need to write them down as they happen, those thoughts that sound so pure when they are thought up at first. Then eventually those thoughts are sabotaged by ones' opinions and logic. Well at least in men, lol.
As a kid I always imagined how it would feel to become an adult, and the thought of it scared me. To the point where Peter Pan was my hero, and staying a kid was my primary goal. But every year that has gone by since, I've lost more and more of that innocence. Life forces you to grow with it, or at least our society does. I started thinking about many things at once, it was hard for me to put them all together and it drove me insane, and even now they are hard to comprehend completely. I thought about how life used to be, before money, cities, and technology. I thought was life really so simple back when we thought it was? Its hard to live in a world and a time that has based its society on history. And I say that because that is what we are, we are all part of history, and the world before us. I thought about the different religions, and as a human, I must say it is so hard to truly explain everything that has happened on this planet. But think about it, for the christians, we grew up with our families, who were christian, and that is what we believe in, God. The buddists, grew up with buddists, and that is what they believe in, then the muslims, Jews, and so on. And I noticed many things about this... For one, humans need hope, we need to rely on a greater power when we feel helpless. Second, it is completely wrong to judge another person's opinion because who knows if your's is right to begin with, you might think it is, but several others will think opposite. So why do we insist on forcing beliefs on others? Why do we wake up in the morning everyday to go to work? Because we have lived in this type of society for ages upon ages, but....are you sure its the right way to live? Who says its the right way to live? We do right? No one says a thing, because we are used to it, its a habit, and we live on habits. Believe it or not you truly do have control over your own life, its just the way we live now has pushed that out of existence. In the world we live in now, no one can just travel the world and still be able to eat, because that is our reality, that is not true reality, that is ours the way us humans made it. When cavemen existed someone, yes someone, or something along the way had to have made the world we live in now. Think about it, one day, a long time ago, the way we live started, someone traded, now...in your opinion was that a good idea or a bad one? It lead to the life we live now, we work, we pay taxes, we take care of our young, we get money...It has been so long since the world was without trade that we live in a habit...But shit think about this also, is that the good way or not? Did God or whomever created us intend for us to live like this? What happened to the dinosaurs? Why did God make them extinct? Think for a second, why did he do that? It troubles me that we as humans may never find these answers, and what scares me the most about death believe it or not, is the fact that maybe, just maybe, none of those answers will be given to me when I die...When I die will I know everything I am supposed to know? Will I know how we got here? Why we live? Where do we live? Earth is so small, and the universe is so vast, and we can't make contact with anything else for a reason...Sometimes I think God makes those planets invisible, as if we aren't supposed to know.

But also think about this with me, those cavemen, those explorers in the past centuries, those dinosaurs, now that they are dead, do they know we what we are, what we have done since they have died? Or is God so cruel...? Maybe that's why hindu's believe in reincarnation, because they can't for a second believe our creator could be so horrible as to not let us know what we are here for or what we will become...That's the only thing that scares me about death, is that maybe just maybe none of my questions will be answered, or that when I die I will forget about everything about this life now, I hope our God is not so cruel...He creates ghosts, and images in our head, but is that just us? Is that what we are supposed to see? I wonder why he lets us ask so many questions...but during the course of the day you forget about these questions, when u are working, getting laid, getting drunk, playing games, you don't think about the end of the fucking world and why we are in it you think about other things...People are so fascinated about animals, but to me, humans are the most amazing creatures in the world, I never said we are good, but we are truly amazing, even though some of what we have created is evil, think about what we have accomplished, I don't see a fucking monkey creating a telescope, lol. But that's the thing, we have created more evil then good unfortunately, but the good we have created has amazed us. If what the bible said is true, God created his image as a human, but who knows, maybe the animals have their own version of God. But I feel a prescence as I write this down, something must be up there, something is giving power to us all, something up there created a world in which we can live in and think about...

In pains me so deep inside, that I might not see the future, because that is my dream, I want to see what happens, I want to see what we become, if what we are doing now is worth the years to come. I want to see that me working everyday for the next 100 years is actually worth it, I want to see what we find out...And I think about death so little, but when I do think about it I don't get scared of what I die from, I get scared of what will happen after, what if what the bible says is true, and that i've committed sin, and I'm going to hell, or what if what we think is evil is really good, I mean its such a crazy question but think about it, from what we have learned as a culture, society, and as humans we only keep creating more questions, they will never end, but you know what? Its always good to ask...Because whoever it is up there that created us, gave us a mind, a mind so powerful that we have created magnificent things, amazing things, and I hope God is not mad at me for writing such things, as to question his existence, but if he is who the bible says he is then he will understand...

This is what I think about when I look at the sky, when I feel the cool breeze and watch the trees sway back and forth with their leaves turned backwards. This is why I love thunderstorms, this is why I love life.

Thought

"Life is based on how you interpret this quote and what it means to you, its based on how you interpret other quotes that stay with you throughout your life. Life is you, life is the world that you create within your mind, life is your thoughts, life should not be based on someone else, life is not what is around you, but your life may challenge that, because your life is you and your mind." J.M.T.

Handle With Care

Why do I feel as if my life is so fragile right now as if I'm so weak? I'm not in the greatest of times, usually I'm not, but lately I haven't been as strong as I had hoped I would be. I don't know why whenever I become happy, whenever I become strong, and I feel so confident that I can do anything, something always has to bring me down to a complete stop. It could be nothing or something, and I don't know why it happens. Every night I talk to my baby, every night I tell her what's on my mind, last night I told her about my past. Some things are so hard to say, even when someone already knows what they are, or you just don't want to let anyone know. I talked to her about the past, the present, and the future and I realized that throughout my life there has always been something missing, I have no idea what it is, but I feel it, and for some reason lately I've been feeling nervous about the future.
I just talked to my mom on the phone. I figured maybe it would sprout some comfort into me to talk to her. But I can't hear her like that, sometimes it makes me so angry, so uncomfortable, to hear her act the way she does. I say hi, she says hi, and then she gives me lectures about how I should be careful when I swim in the water, I tell her I know that mom (weird way of starting a conversation), and she says, "yea I know and then your Tia was on the phone too". And it hurts to hear that, to hear that her disease still dwells in her mind, it hurts to think that my mother will not be coming back, and I don't mean just physically. I could cry and cry about everything, but I've grown weary from crying, my eyes are forever soaked in salt water from a non-existent ocean in my body.
I thought about my elementary school years, when none of the kids liked me, when I used to cry every night because I had no friends, and I remembered that I told no one. I hide everything inside me with laughter, I hide my whole world inside my heart, and sometimes it consumes me, it doesn't let me grow. I remember even as a kid I used to think about everything, I remember when all those teachers thought I was crazy, and every year in school they would bother me with their tests. I wondered why nobody liked me in school, I never knew why, I figured these kids are too young to dislike anyone right? But wrong, every time I would talk to anyone or act happy or join a group every kid there would look down at me, I would speak to one of them and they would act as if I was not there, I felt so alone, and I could never understand what was so wrong with me that made these kids disgusted of me...So I would come home, and I loved it because finally I would be alone and able to play my games, believe or not I used to play so much because when I played my games I would forget about everything around me, and I would just soak in games. I remember when we moved to centreville and I got my first friend, he loved video games too, he dealt with my moms craziness, he dealt with mine. After he left I never thought I would be able to have a friend like that again.

So why must I go down so harshly, I tell myself everytime I need to lift myself up again, rotting inside my room everyday is not good for me or my health. But I need to find that determination again, because right now I feel lost, and i'm tired of being so lost and so confused, I'm tired of it, its so exhausting to hear yourself think constantly about your whole life, I just want to be like I am when I play games, or talk with my sisters and my baby, I want to laugh all the time and enjoy my life, maybe that's why I've always hated being alone yet I accept it so easily. Just remember I love you all, and I hope that one day I can tame my own madness and just try to live instead of dreading the idea of an unhappy one. But words are words, but what's an action without a word right?

weeks to come and go.

Its been so long since I've sat down and thought about just everything around me again. And its wierd, when you sit in silence look at pictures of the world, the news, or anything, it seems to mean more then if there is someone explaining these pictures to you as you see them. The world is getting crazier every year. Worse? Not exactly, its always been bad, its just with new technologies, we see more of the world then we ever have before, and finally people are starting to realize that the world is not safe as it looks. I've heard the stories of the shooter in Virginia. It makes me wonder about the theory that a silent person has so much to say. If you see or have met a somewhat silent person in your life you never think that they might be a serial killer or a genius you just think they are weird or don't like to talk. I also wonder why has this generation seen so much despair and war, so much that everyone young person you talk to you in unaffected by the fact that war might be dangerous and that people die everyday in Iraq. My question is, will my children know what it truly means to have a person die? What will they think of us in the future? If things get better then they will read about how we were and realize that something wasn't right, that the world we were living in was giving us too much pressure and we all just snapped. But if things get worse in the future? I just hope that one day, we all have to realize we all take death so lightly. We see it everyday now, Iraq, Virginia Tech, other school shootings, everything you see around you is death and death and death, there is no stopping the media from numbing the idea into your head. Until of course it hits close to home, by then we can only realize what has been going on. To tell you the truth I am scared as to what the future will hold for us if we keep doing what we are doing in this world. But of course everything happens for a reason, holocausts, civil wars, war, people killing other people, it just disgusts me to see people dying over other peoples problems...

Daniella stuffing her face lol

Vanessa feeling stuffed after eating the food.

Caroline acting innocent "who me"? lol

People outside

More people eating dad's yummy ass food!

Tyler soaked in juice lol

Daniella saying, wth is this? lol

Indeed it is lol

I have to admit, after those 2 weeks in TN i knew in the back of my head that when I came back to VA that I would be doing alot more work than I ever did. And to tell you the truth, I actually want to do it... When i come back from work ever so exhausted from lifting 400 pound furniture and shit all day, I sit in front of my computer, talk to my beautiful until I pass out at night. But before I sleep at night, I think to myself, so far so good mike, you gotta keep going man, no one else will do this for you, you gotta do this for your own good and for the rest of your life to be happy, you just need to sacrifice these next few years. Yea its hard, but we live in The United States of America, a country that even though has many greedy politicians, the people that live in it maybe be rude, but damn we work hard to get what we have. And I respect this country for that, many other countries take breaks during the day just to have lunch or church but this countries people keep going, every single day we keep going. Some people live off the government unfortunately, but too bad for them they don't get to be part of the truly hard working people. I know this is only the beginning of a very long process of getting things done. At least inside me I have this fire to achieve many things, I hope it never extinguishes because I need it.

Work has been crazy, but they are defintely working with me with my schedule. Just yesterday they told me to come in whenever I wanted to, I was like well hell, that's an hourly paid workers dream lol. I just hope that it lasts.
My dad also wants another job, :( I know its good for money and stuff like that, but at the same time I don't want him to kill himself even more then he already is. Right now he has one job and comes home dead tired, I dont' know how in the world he'll be able to handle two jobs. And plus, I won't see my mustache all day long and that just depresses me.
April so far is pretty crazy, and April 3rd Daniella's b-day by the way lol. The little fatty is turning one today. by the way here are some pictures.

These days will last

So here it is, the day i've been dreading and looking forward to at the same time for the past 2 weeks. Its early morning Sunday, approx 2:40am lol. my flight leaves at 7 30. And on the floor next to me letting me use her computer is the girl I've been so happy to be with for the past 2 weeks. Its been great, I've had so much fun, but more importantly i've noticed a connection we have even more than before.
A couple of days ago, while watching Frida with her. It was then that I noticed that this girl is the person I love, during the movie I had a little thought in my head spark into my train of thoughts. It said "tomorrow is your last day with her for a while" And then for some reason I panicked, I broke into tears...in front of her... something she hates seeing me do because she can't handle seeing me cry in her arms, to her when a man cries something is seriously wrong. I cried and I cried, I've never cried so hard in my life for over a decade. I kept telling myself, I'm going to miss her, its going to hurt...I look at her and I, and i see a beautiful relationship that is so hard to keep because it is just that, beautiful...just like her, just like those eyes that captured me to begin with. I ask God every night in my mind, why is it that we must endure such drama and pain before we can truly enjoy our lives...I look at the time on the computer and the minutes keep going time keeps speeding up, every second turns into history. I remember what some people say to me, that I talk to her too much, that I'm falling too much in love with her, so what should I do? Go find someone else that is no where near as wonderful as she is to my life? My dad misses me, but I sense that he is scared for me. He's afraid that I am falling in love with her. I can only imagine as a father what he feels, I miss him so much, every night I think about what my dad is doing. My whole life me and him have been partners, when i was little I even slept in the same bed. And you know being here right now, going to work and school, driving a car, it feels like I'm doing something wrong, because it feels like we are splitting apart little by little...it feels like I became a bad son, and my whole life all I wanted to do was make my dad proud and be like him. I hope he like's her, I hope he thinks she's good enough for me, if only he knew what I can write, if only he knew the rest of who I really am. I miss you dad, and baby I'm going to miss your prescence. Pretty soon things will be back to the way they were, at least I get to see my sisters again, I miss you guys alot you have no idea, I wish you could have come with me, we could have had so much fun.

Well, what else can I say without making this post another depressing one, all I can say is I'll be home soon guys :) I love you all. JMT

I miss you

I miss you as much as my body can tell me I can. But I know I miss you in so many ways more. I miss the way I see your eyes stare into mine and how they transform everything around us into this beautiful heaven. I look at you and it shows me how much God must love me, how he put together such a beautiful human being mentally and physically just for me. I miss how when we are together the whole world is in our reach, our laughs echo inside our hearts for years, our memories never die so sudden, all the things that bring out the worst in me are non-existent. Those kisses are like my soul has just been touched by everything is has ever lived for. Every time you are with me I am who I am and you love that, and I treasure the moments that we are so comfortable in front of each other, as if all our worries of what if or what will are gone. I love the way when I stare into your eyes your butterflies in your body do a dance that makes you smile with such a great delicateness. I don't think my heart has ever been so expressive about how I've ever felt about one person.
There are only so many times I can see you at a time in one year. Though we have had some trouble we are still standing strong. We keep strong by keeping in mind that one day we will be together everyday, along the way life has its laughs. As tough as the roadblocks are ahead, looking into those eyes of yours reminds me that everything will be alright, that God has given us a difficult task because we would be wonderful together, and to enjoy we must suffer at first. I love you baby, happy 30th Month :) J.M.T.

A Long Last day it must be

I look at the date today and I thank God another month is about to move on. January seemed like such a long month and then all of a sudden everything seems like its moving too fast. In about a week I have to get my first practice test for a GED. And I keep telling myself I can't believe I'm actually doing this. After all those years in high school, of listening to teachers, of dreading waking up every single morning just to get an education, it never seemed right to me. I always said that I should have invented something that would automatically implant a chip into our heads therefore creating education automatically lol.

Today I want to write about how much I've learned in this month alone. I think I've learned so many things in these long 31 days so far. Especially about me. I remember just last month I didn't really know how to drive, I never thought I was going to get anywhere in life because I was doing nothing in high school, I was working almost every single day, I felt sick almost every week and I never knew why. It was a scary month to be in, that's for sure, its so weird how even though calenders are just numbers and days that we have made up as humans, they seem to change along with everything we are doing. I have many things to look forward to these next few months. Everytime I think about what's ahead I can't help but to get a little nervous. Adult life is nothing but scary, even though not many people want to admit it or they just have grown num to it. There are so many people in this world, great thinkers, fools, mental people, people who don't talk at all, so many different kinds of brain power just roaming the streets. And everyone has their own story, I bet anyone could write their own book and it would be such an extraordinary story about what they have been through just to get to that point.
This month I've just realized that I'm not a kid anymore, I guess it just hit me. I'm right in the middle right now, the worst place to be in, horrible confusing place it is, full of mistakes, drama, action, changes, not to mention unexpected changes, and finally hard work. All of those things mold into what is the bridge between childhood and adulthood. This part of life is what has made people and broken many people. I just hope that will all that I've learned in life, and will people's help that I won't let my confusion get to me or my mistakes.

Well this week has certainly been the make the toilet suffer week lol. My uncle just recently, well most likely got a stomach virus, that he might have gotten from eaten undercooked lamb from one of his co-workers a few days ago. And he's on his way to the hospital, because God knows he's surviving on his bad kidneys and a stomach virus could mess him up. I've never seen my dad so worried in his life. I've also been feeling my stomach again this week. I know I've had stomach viruses before, so I know its not that. These past couple of days it has been better though thankfully. This month and last month I've been feeling so ill with my stomach, and I'm so scared that its something worse than what I know to be a virus. And I haven't told my dad until Sunday because I didn't want to worry him cuz i know he has no insurance for me. But last month, I remember getting two stomach viruses in a one week span, afterwards my stomach was never the same. It went from bad to worse this month. Last week before Isabelle's party, I couldn't eat a thing. And it was so much different than a stomach virus. With a stomach virus you throw up, with what I have you feel sick all day and you never feel better, I ate two spoonfuls of soup and I felt full, then I felt hungry again in 5 mins and tried to eat the rest but then I felt like i was going to be sick. I couldn't explain it I had no idea what it was but thankfully alot of you guys might know what it is. I just feel so nervous about that, its scary not to know what the fuck is wrong with you, when you know ur body is changing and you can't do anything about it until the problem gets so bad its almost too late. That's why insurance is so important in this country, but I guess I just have to wait, my dad is busy and can't really do anything. And its not like the doctor will notice an immediate problem until my symptoms start acting up again.

So welcome February, don't let us down, don't let us too high up and then bring up all the way down, let's pray for a great month, till next month. J.M.T.

Know Thyself

It's all laid out in the table in front of me. The nights of sorrow, the nights of tears and agony, days and days of deciding and playing a game of tug and war with a heart so weak and a mind so strong. It feels so right and feels so confusing to bring these words to the world. I thought I saw a withered building, I thought we were gone forever, but then I opened my heart to reveal a palace, made out of gold, that shows how strong we both are. That's when it feels so sure, but then my mind comes into the act as if it was being blockaded and with a force of a million men it storms into my thoughts. I think of the rivers of tears you have endured from the likes of me, it was me who placed those needles in your heart, it was me who forged the sword that is stuck ever so deeply inside your hope. I'm terrified that one day it will all be over for good. What then? What will become of me? I will be without a cause once again, I will be the person I've never wanted to be, I will be that boy that is buried inside me for the pain that he has caused me.

I admire your mind, I admire the fact that you will be able to comprehend such vast words from the heart. Just please remember that I am who I am, I am the heart you love, the soul you have taken. True the future is uncertain, but destiny is what holds the world together, life can give us all the obstacles, but if we are meant to be together we will. I hope you never walk away like I have so carelessly. So much to say, such little words to tell them with, but three words say it all I love you, and you know that.

What a Week it has been

The title explains pretty much this year in general so far. last week and the beginning of this week have changed a lot for me already. on Monday some guy committed suicide in my school in the middle of the school courtyard, both my sisters had hardcore fights with their hubbies, my dad might get a new house this year, I broke up with what's her face lol, and I've realized some things that have probably been lurking in my mind for some time, I might still be confused about them but I think I've uncovered something...at least I hope so... So that was last week by the way.

Last week, after so much stress of school and school and school and asking myself constantly why do I need to know so badly what it is I want to do with my life. I asked God to help me, for my whole life it has seemed that God, at least in my belief, has helped through many times. Believe or not he answers your prayers, if not soon, later in life but in such a way that only you can interpret the meaning of his answers. Some would say is it really God or just a coincedence?
But well, I asked him ever so carefully watching every word I say knowing that life has its ways of becoming ironic, I asked God to help me, to help me find what I should do, what is it that I want to do with my life? I know I am only 18, but for some reason I feel so rushed, as if something will happen soon that will prevent me from ever reaching my goal. Maybe its just me but I've been sensing that all last month, as if something huge was about to happen, maybe I'm just going crazy...
The day after I asked God to help me, I went to school, going into the building I realized how much this school can offer, awards, trophies, honors from high class companies...But I've never been one to be involved in such nonsense. I went to english class, the teacher gave me a look as if I hadn't been there for ages, and I haven't. We sat down, listened to the crappy announcements about how we should not have ipods, or cd players or what not in the school and they kept talking about much more they should imprison us in this facility, lol. Then the teacher told us to open our books.
Now in class I have always loved to read out loud, I read so good compared to the people that read so slow in class lol, and I like to show off that I'm not a retard. I've also found the stories in english class to be so interesting some not so much but lots of the stories in those books are definitely a good read. n e ways, ADD attacks! lol We opened our books to an excerpt from a book called "Self-Reliance" by: Ralph Waldo Emerson, he was a leader in the Transcendentalist movement (non-conformists). He wrote about how society has become so lazy in conforming with what everyone else is doing. Doctors, lawyers, nurses, all these high class jobs and people have all tried to become one thing that the world is becoming the same. I wish I could write the excerpt in the blog but I'm sure there are copyright issues involved lol, so I'm not planning on being sued, but if you want more info then read "Self-Reliance" anyways. He also says that people do not change the world by conforming, if the whole world was to conform and not at least try to be something different then the world would fall apart. As I read this, I realized that so many others that have tried to be "rebels" for lack of a better word, to society have had such a difficult and long road to become such great people in time.
But this whole excerpt explained so much about me, every single day I questioned why is it that I must do something that I hate so much? I go to school, I hate it, even the teachers hate it, ok maybe its because I'm a kid, but why is it when I write in class or read aloud in class that i love it so much, I mean the only reason I go to school, is because in my mind I think I must...I don't want to dissapoint you guys, I don't want my dad stressed out from him thinking that I will be nothing in my life, and all it takes is one little piece of paper that will take you beyond what you can accomplish in society, but what does that lead a person to? Sure, I may become a doctor, I may become a lawyer, some title by which society can call me a great person, but how often will I be with my family? Does money really make a person happy or things just easier? Truth is I go to school so everyone else can be happy, not me... But yet I want to see what's in store for me if I do follow this path, and yet I don't...
My dad must be so angry at me right now...I love him so much I really do, he has been nothing but an idol in my eyes my whole entire life, he comes home after a long day, takes care of his family even when he doesn't want to, he loves each and every one of us so much. And I can't help to think that maybe he is dissapointed in me lately, because he doesn't understand me as much as I want him to...he works and works and works, I never saw him for a longer time, and now i've just got used to him not being there so much. whenever he comes home I just enclose myself in my room, and he's in the living room tired as can be, and I want to connect with him so badly, I want to tell him so many things, I wish I could just open up to him and tell him what I think what I feel, but he has his own things to worry about, several times I've tried to talk to him, several times I've tried to tell him what's on my mind, and he just nods his head, and tells me about the car he wants to buy next...So I just gave up, he's mad at me right now for not going to school, it urks me to see his face when he picks up the phone and its my school telling him I didn't go. But truth is high school is pissing me off, i've just had it, i see nothing they can offer me at this school, I want to move on, see what I want to do in my life, and I sure as hell won't find it in that place.
And of course I'm scared of what might happen, one day I might look back and realize how much of a fool I really am for taking a certain path. In the future I might realize many other things, and it seems like when you are a teenager you constantly make mistakes no matter what the hell you are doing, but I've never felt so certain in my life then to take my GED and go to college. because this place has offered me nothing but anger and regret for a long time. And I'm sure you guys are reading this either shaking your head, or even rejoicing as you read it, whatever it is I hope you all realize that I go to school to make you guys happy, because if you guys were ever dissapointed or angry at me I would have nobody, no one. There is so much I can say about this right now, and it feels so good to finally release this on this here computer monitor. God only knows what will happen in this next few weeks or months, but then again who wants to know right?
I hope that you guys understand this post, I hope that you can understand what it is I'm thinking about everyday, I pray that my dad could just read this once, and understand what it is his son is doing, or thinking, instead of coming home and only seeing one side of him...I wish he could see the true me, but all he gets to see is the son that won't go to school simply because he doesn't care, I just hope that he can see past that...I hope all of you can. I might not be this great person the world has ever seen, I might not be rich or have an easy life, but all I need in life is my heart and my mind, because they will never judge or fail me, my eyes have seen so much already in this life, I wish I could see so much more, I wish I could share with the rest of the world the beauty I see in them all, when I see people I see how beautiful they really are inside, your eyes tell it all to me. I just wonder what everyone else sees in me.........

J.M.T.-END (first post of 2007)