I have class in about 3 hours from now. And as I have the whole morning to myself, I go outside of my room into a quiet bright room. I start to think to myself about what has happened last month, and what is going to happen later on this month. Unfortunately all of November I was unsuccessful in finding a job, and I have kinda been forced to stay in my room quite frequently throughout the month. But then there have been times when I have actually spent time with my dad these past few weeks.
I remember long ago when I use to have to rely on him for everything. When I use to look up at him to talk to him, when I would hold his hand to cross the street. Back then though my mind was only thinking about candy and action figures. Now things are different, I've been working and going to school almost everyday since I was 17. I think for some reason during that period, little by little I sensed a detachment away from my dad, not only because I had my own money, but mentally. Like when we would talk, we wouldn't have much to say to each other, granted even now we still don't because we are both very quiet people when it comes to personal situations. For me and my sisters its different, I've developed a relationship with them that has allowed them and I to talk about personal things without limits. But me always being the youngest in the family, I've always had issues talking to my dad about stuff like that because it always seemed as though he didn't really pay attention to what I had to say.
But every year that passed between now and when i was 17 has taught me alot about who my dad really is, and about who I am myself. I look at him differently, I see his mistakes more frequently, he has told me things that he has never told me before. Recently though it almost seems like I have hooked that link onto him that I had lost before. Now of course things are different, he has 3 more kids that are all much younger than I am, and another women in his life. There are plenty of times where I prayed that my mother could be there instead of Ayde. To this day that is still true. But then I put myself into my dad's shoes. And recently with all this going on with my mom it has been on my dad's mind more so than usual. The truth is my dad was confused, he has told me many things that she had done to him. And I think regardless of her illness, things like that hurt. Especially when she became a completely different person than who she was when my dad first met her.
Dad feels betrayed at times, and I know that after so many years of dealing with her, everytime he speaks to her he can only think the bad things she did or had done to him.
But its weird how life is, I end up not having a job for a while which obviously strains my finances, but at the same time I gained something so vital to me and my dad's relationship. Living with him everyday though, seeing him tired also takes a toll on me. I worry about him alot, I have this huge fear of not seeing him or my mom for a long time. I know that once I go to TN my dad will be on my mind alot. It almost seems unfair that I have to see him like this before I leave. I have this bond with my dad that I will never lose ever in my life, even when I slept in my own room for the first time I felt weird being away from him. He has always been there for me.
I know that he wants me to go so I can see for myself how it is to be on my own. But even though this opportunity has presented itself, I have this ache in my heart that I won't be able to help my dad if he ever needed help when I am gone. I mean how do I repay years of sacrifice? But that's what a true parent really is, unselfish. Even people with tons of money with no kids feel something is missing in their lives, because most people live for their children, their lives run on the fact that they will see their children succeed in one way or another, and my dad is just that type of a man.
I see the mistakes that he does now, some things I know my mom would have a legit reason to get mad at him for. Things that have always plagued him, like buying cars. With unfortunately affects his credit, which in return doesn't allow him to purchase a house or a nice car or have credit cards to help someone live comfortably. And its so interesting seeing these mistakes from him, because he is such a wise man. In his mind he buys these costly things because one day he plans to sell them for a greater value. But then he ends up losing money and not being able to afford other things so he has to sell them for a cheaper price just so he can afford what he would have been able to afford if he hadn't purchased the stuff in the first place.
Even though he has a his faults like all humans do, I truly believe he is a great example of what a man really is. A man is only as great as his wife. Men in the past have done great things, mostly because women weren't allowed to do certain things. But if you read about all our great men in this country, even in other countries, they relied on their wives many times. Even though men can be great, we have this childish mindset about us, which I am sure comes from our mothers spoiling us. All men are different true, but most men I think need a good woman by their side to tell them what their faults are, to allow the men to grow up, because though we maybe 30 or 40 years old, inside we are only teenagers, and men do stupid shit even as they get older.
I have always hoped that my dad would be able to marry someone that he would be happy with for the rest of his life. A man like that truly deserves happiness, and maybe he does feel happy with Ayde, but for some reason I worry about him alot with her, I believe that if my mom was ok, if she hadn't done or said some of the nasty things long ago, she would have been able to help my dad grow out of that. But unfortunately here we are. But that is my opinion, it doesn't it is right or wrong, it is only what I see from my perspective, from what little I have learned so far from life. Whatever my dad's plans for future are, I pray that God helps him, gives him a break. I hope that God can see the amount of greatness and heart that my dad brings to this planet, "this world has such a lack of great people now in days" someone told me one day, but just because your parents or your grandparents were never on the news inventing some sort of gadget or theory does not mean they were never great people. Great men and woman are everywhere in this world, but because many people find it so boring they never pay attention. But just take a look at the house you live in, the car you drive, the body you are living in...someone great created that, that's why I can never look at myself in the mirror and be disgusted because I am the son of Jose Antonio Terrazas and Ivonne Virginia Altamirano. And even though they have never been on television or they will never be presented with a medal, I believe they are great people. And as I struggle to find myself in college or school, as I struggle to be someone great, I think the greatest worry I will have, is whether my kids will see me as a great man. And I pray to God that I never let them down, that whatever career or life I choose will never affect my reputation with my kids. "Great human beings are not just those who get recognized for it" JMT
Monday, December 08, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
I love the cold nights, when the sky is clear and all you need is a good jacket to help you clear your mind. I have always loved the fall and winter for the crisp, cool, and clean air. The type of air that makes you want to take a deep breath forever, to cool the burning sensations in your soul.
I just finished viewing all the pictures that Caroline posted on her facebook. Sometimes you just look at those pictures and start to think about all the memories since then. In every picture you see happiness, a time in your life that you wanted to remember for the rest of your years. When you say smile, you don't realize that whatever picture you just took was a place in time that has been frozen. Those times are the times that help you through the bad times, in some pictures you see how much younger you were, or how happy you were. When I see a picture I look into the people's eyes...What adventures do those eyes hold? What is their contribution to the great puzzle that is life?
We as human beings have this sense within us that can detect a bad person or a good person. In some people it is stronger than others, I believe in an aura or energy that surrounds us all whether it be a good or bad one. But I wonder now, if that aura can be changed.............What if one day or one year you notice a person to have a good energy, a healthy aura, and then they end up doing something that is bad or destructive to other people, will that aura stay the same or change?
It might sound like something hippies would talk about, or fake physics. But I do believe that humans have a special sense about those things.
I watch those shows on NBC that show the criminals that go to prison and tape their lives in jail. Whenever you see an individual like that, you can see it in his eyes what type of person they are. You can sense it through the television as if something is placing pressure on your energy.
You see some people who work all their lives, who have a family, have a good job, and yet they snap. What makes people change so drastically? Is it the fact that we can not satisfy the goals we thought we could accomplish? Or the fact that life gives us so many obstacles that the pressure buildup is too overwhelming?
I talked to my dad about things like this once, I asked him "Dad why do bad things happen to good people who work, help other people, while bad people who steal or kill seem to get away with it"? He simple replied, "bad things happen to good people because they care, bad people don't care about shit, so they seem so happy all the time"
And it is true, if I robbed a bank, became rich. I would be relieved to have such an amount of money, but what about the other people who put their life savings in that same bank? How many other families did I put into the same position as me? How would I be able to go into a public place without lowering my head or hiding?
But bad people don't give a shit.
So when I hear about what Derrick is doing to you Vanessa I get troubled. Because it had to be an outside force that has affected the way a person acts. It is what that glass bottle contains, a simple liquid, that has reformatted how he is as a person, even deep inside. You both have invited me to places with you ever since I was young. I have seen your eyes Vanessa, I have seen the pain that is hidden inside them, and then I look at your three beautiful girls and I see you in all of them. Dad has taught us such valuable things in life, he has taught us that family is the core of who we are as a person. He said himself that if things in your family are not going well, neither will anything else in your life. I think about your situation and I can feel your pain, because I see how he is with the kids, I see how much the kids love him, I see how much shit you have gone through just to keep your family together. Then I think about what if Zulen did that to me, how would I feel? If I dedicated my life to her, and she simply spit in my face. The amount of pain alone would damage me to a point of no return. But Vanessa, there is a better life somewhere for you, you and Caroline deserve it the most. God may not be placing that life right in front of you, but because you are a good person, and you care, he will always place that oppurtunity near you. Even dad is starting to realize things that he hasn't before about Derrick, but suprsingly he sticks to his story. He just doesn't understand...
I honestly can't believe he has not taken the opportunity to get help, it shows that he has given up. Like I said even when he is sober he seems drunk, it has gotten to a point where I can't tell the difference anymore, his actions have only gotten worse, and they will get worse from this point. I think the times he tried to hit you were when I started thinking that something was wrong. Something has changed his energy, and I know you can feel it. Maybe one day you can film him drunk, film him when he is at his worst, show him, show him what you see, make him care, and if he still is not embarassed about that then God save him.
I just finished viewing all the pictures that Caroline posted on her facebook. Sometimes you just look at those pictures and start to think about all the memories since then. In every picture you see happiness, a time in your life that you wanted to remember for the rest of your years. When you say smile, you don't realize that whatever picture you just took was a place in time that has been frozen. Those times are the times that help you through the bad times, in some pictures you see how much younger you were, or how happy you were. When I see a picture I look into the people's eyes...What adventures do those eyes hold? What is their contribution to the great puzzle that is life?
We as human beings have this sense within us that can detect a bad person or a good person. In some people it is stronger than others, I believe in an aura or energy that surrounds us all whether it be a good or bad one. But I wonder now, if that aura can be changed.............What if one day or one year you notice a person to have a good energy, a healthy aura, and then they end up doing something that is bad or destructive to other people, will that aura stay the same or change?
It might sound like something hippies would talk about, or fake physics. But I do believe that humans have a special sense about those things.
I watch those shows on NBC that show the criminals that go to prison and tape their lives in jail. Whenever you see an individual like that, you can see it in his eyes what type of person they are. You can sense it through the television as if something is placing pressure on your energy.
You see some people who work all their lives, who have a family, have a good job, and yet they snap. What makes people change so drastically? Is it the fact that we can not satisfy the goals we thought we could accomplish? Or the fact that life gives us so many obstacles that the pressure buildup is too overwhelming?
I talked to my dad about things like this once, I asked him "Dad why do bad things happen to good people who work, help other people, while bad people who steal or kill seem to get away with it"? He simple replied, "bad things happen to good people because they care, bad people don't care about shit, so they seem so happy all the time"
And it is true, if I robbed a bank, became rich. I would be relieved to have such an amount of money, but what about the other people who put their life savings in that same bank? How many other families did I put into the same position as me? How would I be able to go into a public place without lowering my head or hiding?
But bad people don't give a shit.
So when I hear about what Derrick is doing to you Vanessa I get troubled. Because it had to be an outside force that has affected the way a person acts. It is what that glass bottle contains, a simple liquid, that has reformatted how he is as a person, even deep inside. You both have invited me to places with you ever since I was young. I have seen your eyes Vanessa, I have seen the pain that is hidden inside them, and then I look at your three beautiful girls and I see you in all of them. Dad has taught us such valuable things in life, he has taught us that family is the core of who we are as a person. He said himself that if things in your family are not going well, neither will anything else in your life. I think about your situation and I can feel your pain, because I see how he is with the kids, I see how much the kids love him, I see how much shit you have gone through just to keep your family together. Then I think about what if Zulen did that to me, how would I feel? If I dedicated my life to her, and she simply spit in my face. The amount of pain alone would damage me to a point of no return. But Vanessa, there is a better life somewhere for you, you and Caroline deserve it the most. God may not be placing that life right in front of you, but because you are a good person, and you care, he will always place that oppurtunity near you. Even dad is starting to realize things that he hasn't before about Derrick, but suprsingly he sticks to his story. He just doesn't understand...
I honestly can't believe he has not taken the opportunity to get help, it shows that he has given up. Like I said even when he is sober he seems drunk, it has gotten to a point where I can't tell the difference anymore, his actions have only gotten worse, and they will get worse from this point. I think the times he tried to hit you were when I started thinking that something was wrong. Something has changed his energy, and I know you can feel it. Maybe one day you can film him drunk, film him when he is at his worst, show him, show him what you see, make him care, and if he still is not embarassed about that then God save him.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
And sometimes your heart hurts your brain, because the brain isn't loving right.
Wow, hell of a day today. Some moron hit my car when it was parked, I was told to hide from the owner of my job when I came to work without a hat, I had to drive in the rain with a busted driver side view mirror, and eventually I will lose my job.
Such a wonderful turn of events really. To those people who are not used to sarcasm, fuck you :D.
There are so many things on my mind right now that I would love to talk about, so many different ways that I could express them in such a way that you would understand them. For the past few weeks I have had some trouble sleeping with a certain thought in my head (and I mean that literally). Bad sleep=bad days.
After 4 years of on and off meetings with each other, years that have been met with happiness and sorrow, years of praying that one day we might have the opportunity to finally be able to breath the same air for longer than 2 weeks at a time. That opportunity has come, but of course that opportunity has come at a cost that has my heart skipping twice a day, and my mind racing twice more.
For my whole life, my sisters have been there to comfort me, my mom on her good days loved me with all her heart, and my dad did the same yet he had little time to express it. There were memories that I wish had never been placed in my head in the first place, but the memories that last forever are the memories that matter. I have seen my family struggle in some of the most intense situations. Even though my whole family was older than me by many years, I was always hoping to be as much as part of it as anyone else, and they never forgot about me.
I look at my dad right now, getting older and more tired as the days pass, yet his smiles let you know that he is still the same inside. He is the most honorable man I have met, his heart is dedicated to his family in such a way that it is shared equally among us without anyone feeling the least bit left out. I look at him and I see a lot of myself in him that I never have before, the way we communicate, the way we handle certain situations. Even now, he has another 3 kids to look after, and he still finds the time to worry about all of us. I have seen pain in my dad's before, I have seen how he reacts when one of his children are hurt, I have seen him worry day in and day out about everyone. At one point in my life I vowed never to hurt him in any way. Me and him used to go everywhere with each other, we even slept in the same bed for a very long time.
Now I myself am getting older, I see things differently than I used to, I view the world as carefully as I can, but his guidance is still vital to me.
Now this opportunity presents itself....
If it was any other family I would have taken the liberty to not even bother with such worries, if it were any other family my decisions would not require such careful attention.
My heart is made up of so many things I hold dear in this world, it has always been my goal since I was a little kid to not hurt those I love, whenever I do such things my heart takes a beating.
And now....my heart is caught in the middle of a debate that I can not win. How can you tell your heart to calm down when all it hears is love? How can you tell your brain to slow down when it can not catch up with your heart?
I realize that as I have grown older, my personality has changed along with me, and I have noticed that I am not like some other people my age. Which is why I don't have many friends in the first place, I am not one for bullshit conversations, or small talk that leads to no where. I can notice a jerkoff a mile away, or a whore 2 miles of away (depending on if she opens her legs). My sense of humor has either been the center of attention or has been up for questioning. I have been one to fall to depression easily, and I rarely talk to anyone about my private life. I have never been satisfied by talking about my own problems, I only do so the people I love know I am fine. I have never taken a drug in my life in the fear that I will dissappoint my father or others I care in a big way. I don't enjoy going to clubs as much as others, I do enjoy parties but only if I know other people. At times I can be extremely boring, and other times I can be fun.
Yet in all those things that make me the person that I am, nothing else fills that which is me so much as the love I have for the people I love.
I love my dad with every inch of my soul, even with is struggles with money he has given me and my sisters everything that we NEED in life. Even though I have no ability to speak of such things outloud, I know he knows this. I also hope he understands what I must do to fill in a gap that has been lingering in my heart for these past few years. I pray to God that whatever comes my way when I do this will not be in vain.
I will go to Tennessee to be with my baby, to finish college there, to hopefully achieve a future that I have always dreamed about. Right now we need each other desperately, college is already hard enough. Her parents have offered to help us by allowing me to stay in their basement. I am fully aware of the consequences, I am fully aware of the pain that I might have to feel in the process. But I can not let myself regret not taking such an opportunity as this. I am proud to know that my sisters love her just as much as I do, she has been what has kept me going these past few years, what has driven me to help better myself, without her I could careless about what happens to me. I know what my dad might be afraid of, I know that love is a rollercoaster, but I must do this for me, I can't continue to let my heart suffer at the hands of time any longer.
When I do make this trip it will not be until maybe next semester, but when the time comes I just want you all to know that I am in good hands. I will have the opportunity to visit you guys alot (during when school is out of course). You know for a fact that I will miss you all like hell, this was not an easy decision for me. I have had more than enough time to think about this, and I can't hear her cry anymore and not be able to hold her, I can't allow for our whole relationship to be based on how many minutes we have left to talk on the cellphone. I can't handle seeing her a few days every 6 or 7 months, the pain is just too much. I am so happy to have you guys in my life, vanessa, caroline, zulen, dad, mom, and even as my shirt soaks from my tears, I know that we will all be ok sooner or later. I am trying my hardest on my own to be able to accomplish my dream of having a good future, and so is she, but I know that if we are together things will be so much easier to see.
I know that it won't be like I will never see you guys again, but I just want you to know that leaving you guys is never an easy thing. There are still a couple months left until the end of the semsester, and I have so many things to think about and plan. But i'm going to stop typing so many words before blogger sues me for taking up all their bandwidth. I hope to talk to you guys soon :D
Such a wonderful turn of events really. To those people who are not used to sarcasm, fuck you :D.
There are so many things on my mind right now that I would love to talk about, so many different ways that I could express them in such a way that you would understand them. For the past few weeks I have had some trouble sleeping with a certain thought in my head (and I mean that literally). Bad sleep=bad days.
After 4 years of on and off meetings with each other, years that have been met with happiness and sorrow, years of praying that one day we might have the opportunity to finally be able to breath the same air for longer than 2 weeks at a time. That opportunity has come, but of course that opportunity has come at a cost that has my heart skipping twice a day, and my mind racing twice more.
For my whole life, my sisters have been there to comfort me, my mom on her good days loved me with all her heart, and my dad did the same yet he had little time to express it. There were memories that I wish had never been placed in my head in the first place, but the memories that last forever are the memories that matter. I have seen my family struggle in some of the most intense situations. Even though my whole family was older than me by many years, I was always hoping to be as much as part of it as anyone else, and they never forgot about me.
I look at my dad right now, getting older and more tired as the days pass, yet his smiles let you know that he is still the same inside. He is the most honorable man I have met, his heart is dedicated to his family in such a way that it is shared equally among us without anyone feeling the least bit left out. I look at him and I see a lot of myself in him that I never have before, the way we communicate, the way we handle certain situations. Even now, he has another 3 kids to look after, and he still finds the time to worry about all of us. I have seen pain in my dad's before, I have seen how he reacts when one of his children are hurt, I have seen him worry day in and day out about everyone. At one point in my life I vowed never to hurt him in any way. Me and him used to go everywhere with each other, we even slept in the same bed for a very long time.
Now I myself am getting older, I see things differently than I used to, I view the world as carefully as I can, but his guidance is still vital to me.
Now this opportunity presents itself....
If it was any other family I would have taken the liberty to not even bother with such worries, if it were any other family my decisions would not require such careful attention.
My heart is made up of so many things I hold dear in this world, it has always been my goal since I was a little kid to not hurt those I love, whenever I do such things my heart takes a beating.
And now....my heart is caught in the middle of a debate that I can not win. How can you tell your heart to calm down when all it hears is love? How can you tell your brain to slow down when it can not catch up with your heart?
I realize that as I have grown older, my personality has changed along with me, and I have noticed that I am not like some other people my age. Which is why I don't have many friends in the first place, I am not one for bullshit conversations, or small talk that leads to no where. I can notice a jerkoff a mile away, or a whore 2 miles of away (depending on if she opens her legs). My sense of humor has either been the center of attention or has been up for questioning. I have been one to fall to depression easily, and I rarely talk to anyone about my private life. I have never been satisfied by talking about my own problems, I only do so the people I love know I am fine. I have never taken a drug in my life in the fear that I will dissappoint my father or others I care in a big way. I don't enjoy going to clubs as much as others, I do enjoy parties but only if I know other people. At times I can be extremely boring, and other times I can be fun.
Yet in all those things that make me the person that I am, nothing else fills that which is me so much as the love I have for the people I love.
I love my dad with every inch of my soul, even with is struggles with money he has given me and my sisters everything that we NEED in life. Even though I have no ability to speak of such things outloud, I know he knows this. I also hope he understands what I must do to fill in a gap that has been lingering in my heart for these past few years. I pray to God that whatever comes my way when I do this will not be in vain.
I will go to Tennessee to be with my baby, to finish college there, to hopefully achieve a future that I have always dreamed about. Right now we need each other desperately, college is already hard enough. Her parents have offered to help us by allowing me to stay in their basement. I am fully aware of the consequences, I am fully aware of the pain that I might have to feel in the process. But I can not let myself regret not taking such an opportunity as this. I am proud to know that my sisters love her just as much as I do, she has been what has kept me going these past few years, what has driven me to help better myself, without her I could careless about what happens to me. I know what my dad might be afraid of, I know that love is a rollercoaster, but I must do this for me, I can't continue to let my heart suffer at the hands of time any longer.
When I do make this trip it will not be until maybe next semester, but when the time comes I just want you all to know that I am in good hands. I will have the opportunity to visit you guys alot (during when school is out of course). You know for a fact that I will miss you all like hell, this was not an easy decision for me. I have had more than enough time to think about this, and I can't hear her cry anymore and not be able to hold her, I can't allow for our whole relationship to be based on how many minutes we have left to talk on the cellphone. I can't handle seeing her a few days every 6 or 7 months, the pain is just too much. I am so happy to have you guys in my life, vanessa, caroline, zulen, dad, mom, and even as my shirt soaks from my tears, I know that we will all be ok sooner or later. I am trying my hardest on my own to be able to accomplish my dream of having a good future, and so is she, but I know that if we are together things will be so much easier to see.
I know that it won't be like I will never see you guys again, but I just want you to know that leaving you guys is never an easy thing. There are still a couple months left until the end of the semsester, and I have so many things to think about and plan. But i'm going to stop typing so many words before blogger sues me for taking up all their bandwidth. I hope to talk to you guys soon :D
Monday, August 18, 2008
How long till I can see you again
There are days when I feel like I don't try enough, or that we don't try enough to see each other as much as we could. But then I remember everything else that is in our way. Some days I feel like we should just get it over with, be with each other. My heart feels heavy, my mind is pensive, all I can think about is how marvelous life would be if I could just be with you always now instead of having to wait until our future is secure. Its funny to say that to myself, that if I wait that we will have better lives, but will we? At least for me, I know that if I had you by my side, it would feel like I know what I need to do in life, I want to take care of you, give you what you need like you have done for me all along. Being in this room all day certainly does not raise my spirits, hearing you say that you won't be able to see me this year again flattened it. Hear I thought telling your parents would be so great, that life would be different, I even absorbed some of your optimism. But alas, here we are, in the same position we have been in for years, and hurts me as I know it hurts you. It seems like there is nothing we can do, like you said, we see so many people that don't love each other that get to see one another every day. And here we are battling to just get another chance to spend time, to bathe in the feeling of clarity and greatness that we bring to each other...
I feel sick, desperate, anxious to grab whoever controls life by the balls and rip them out. What more can we possibly do to be with each other in peace? How can true love ever exist in a world full of hate, obstacles, and sadness.
I just wish your parents could understand you, just once try and listen to you, I always told you that I felt suspicious of their reaction towards me. I have that sense, most people do, I was trying to be happy, trying to be blind to that feeling that they are still going to be the same. It amazes me how must distrust they have towards you, in their own daughter. They think of you as a child, who has no real idea of how the world is, and they think that you will learn in the vicinity of the house. They fill your head with all these things a wife must do, cook, clean, I don't need a slave I need the second half of my heart. If only I could see you without having to worry how long it will until the next time, if only that were possible now. That's why unfortunately I go to school with such distain, go to work with such disgust, it seems as if I have to do so many things I hate just so I can get to what I love. Life does not make any sense, I never understood why it always had to fill one with such hope and then destroy it just so we can learn. If I have learned anything about love, it wasn't from life, it was from you...
One day my love, one day I hope to take this weight off of my chest, one day the tears will run down my face for happiness, I just pray that day is soon, I hope someone up there is listening to us...J.M.T.
I feel sick, desperate, anxious to grab whoever controls life by the balls and rip them out. What more can we possibly do to be with each other in peace? How can true love ever exist in a world full of hate, obstacles, and sadness.
I just wish your parents could understand you, just once try and listen to you, I always told you that I felt suspicious of their reaction towards me. I have that sense, most people do, I was trying to be happy, trying to be blind to that feeling that they are still going to be the same. It amazes me how must distrust they have towards you, in their own daughter. They think of you as a child, who has no real idea of how the world is, and they think that you will learn in the vicinity of the house. They fill your head with all these things a wife must do, cook, clean, I don't need a slave I need the second half of my heart. If only I could see you without having to worry how long it will until the next time, if only that were possible now. That's why unfortunately I go to school with such distain, go to work with such disgust, it seems as if I have to do so many things I hate just so I can get to what I love. Life does not make any sense, I never understood why it always had to fill one with such hope and then destroy it just so we can learn. If I have learned anything about love, it wasn't from life, it was from you...
One day my love, one day I hope to take this weight off of my chest, one day the tears will run down my face for happiness, I just pray that day is soon, I hope someone up there is listening to us...J.M.T.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
"So what did you do today?"....Nothing
Its been so long since I've been in this state of mind. I can't sleep tonight with the amount of thoughts circling around in my head.
Tonight I took a good look into my room, I took a look into myself, my head, my car, the way I take care of myself. Before I used to think, thank God I'm not like one of those bums who don't do a thing everyday. But damn look at what I'm doing now...I'm doing just that...as if I just snapped inside. I had a goal, I had this starvation for success, I felt the determination flowing through me. I cleaned my room once in a while, I paid attention to my thoughts, I read the newspaper trying to catch up on life itself. Yet I look at myself now, 20 pounds lighter, up at 4 am, sleeping in a landfill, without the slightest idea of what I'm doing to myself. Damn God did I let myself collapse? How could I go from doing what I've always wanted to do, to falling through the cracks. And to think that I had not realized all of this until just now...To think that I had ignored everything, my health, my school, my family, my mind. What did I just wake up from? What was it that helped me break through this bubble of a person that I have become? No I can't do this shit anymore, I can't expect to live a fulfilling life living this way. I feel like I've lost control of everything, and I can't do it anymore. I can't watch myself in the mirror and stare into the person looking back at me and see him crumble. It just goes to show you, even if you think you have everything you need, there are still things you still have no control of. What ever happened to me these past few months, I hope it never shows itself again...I just wish I knew how to control it...Maybe I never will, but at least I know I have people near me who give a shit about me, at least I know they will never let me fall, thank God for them, because who knows what I'd be doing now....probably nothing.
Tonight I took a good look into my room, I took a look into myself, my head, my car, the way I take care of myself. Before I used to think, thank God I'm not like one of those bums who don't do a thing everyday. But damn look at what I'm doing now...I'm doing just that...as if I just snapped inside. I had a goal, I had this starvation for success, I felt the determination flowing through me. I cleaned my room once in a while, I paid attention to my thoughts, I read the newspaper trying to catch up on life itself. Yet I look at myself now, 20 pounds lighter, up at 4 am, sleeping in a landfill, without the slightest idea of what I'm doing to myself. Damn God did I let myself collapse? How could I go from doing what I've always wanted to do, to falling through the cracks. And to think that I had not realized all of this until just now...To think that I had ignored everything, my health, my school, my family, my mind. What did I just wake up from? What was it that helped me break through this bubble of a person that I have become? No I can't do this shit anymore, I can't expect to live a fulfilling life living this way. I feel like I've lost control of everything, and I can't do it anymore. I can't watch myself in the mirror and stare into the person looking back at me and see him crumble. It just goes to show you, even if you think you have everything you need, there are still things you still have no control of. What ever happened to me these past few months, I hope it never shows itself again...I just wish I knew how to control it...Maybe I never will, but at least I know I have people near me who give a shit about me, at least I know they will never let me fall, thank God for them, because who knows what I'd be doing now....probably nothing.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
There were days when I thought that my mom did not exist. Days when people used to make fun of her and I had no intention of defending her. As young as I was, I still remember the days that you were yourself. The days I used to be sick, or me and you would be alone by ourselves. On this mother's day mom, I remember those times that I used to insult you, the days I used to think that you weren't there. The days that I did not understand what your mind had done to the beauty that is inside you. You are beautiful outside, but you had this kindness inside you that you used to bring out on all your good days. Its those days that hurt the most in my opinion, the days that you would try to talk to me, or say that you loved me and I would ignore you or push you away. Those days are over, and I hear you on the phone now, as humble as ever. I miss giving you a hug, I hate the fact that you missed important years of my life. But it has given us time to grow mom, for our thoughts and memories to all combine and explain what type of person you truly are. You told us so many things that were true even now, and we never listened. If I could only go back in time and apoligize for all those times that I pushed you away when I really needed you. You are far away now, but just knowing that you are safe and still thinking about us is what keeps me hoping that one day you can come back with us. Somehow I think things will be different this time around... Thank you for not forgetting about us mom, thank you for writing all those wonderful words that you have sent to us constantly, I hope to see you again soon, so you can see that I am eating :)
Friday, April 18, 2008
A morning of being fed up.
A new strange morning is being lifted. More people awake, off to do what billions have done for this country in the past. A new morning of worry as my hands tremble, my throat releases a motion so foul, my stomach turns and turns. My mind is tired yet once again I am thoughtful. Wondering what has taken hold of my body, wondering what is it that has grasped my insides with such tightness that it seems as if it will never let go. I still wonder why I have to feel this way, every day, fearing of the reality of living with it forever. Sometimes I wonder if I am nuts, if my mind is creating these illusions of illness, but yet they keep coming, stronger than ever, interfering with my life, causing me to break inside. I thought it would be gone by now, I thought my body would keep its word and release it from the pits of the hell it has brung me. I was fine God, I was fine for so long, why again? This isn't funny anymore, this isn't just something that is wrong anymore, there is more to this and that is what I fear. How can something such as this interfere with my way of life, my way of thinking, making me fearful of taking the last bite. I've asked you so many times before God, take it away, take away all of it, please I beg you. I've had it up to here, I can live this way anymore. Can none of us have a normal life? I have tried to be good, I have tried to learn, to keep myself down, and yet you keep pushing for me to drown. What good will come out of it? Why am I wasting my time talking about it? This seems like something so simple, something so clear, but I can't do it no more God, please no more, please I beg you once more.
I am on my way to work, just like everyone else, I need to make money, to pay for my bills, to get good credit so I can get a beautiful home, a dog, and 3 kids. I can't have this in the way of that dream, I feel so sick, every single day, for too long God for too long. I'm tired of the stares, I'm tired of people asking me if I'm ok, I just want it to fucking end, today. All the gagging, the vomiting, the shitting, what else can you fucking throw at me? What else do you have to take from me? My only love, my mother, and now my health? Why God, just stop, please stop, make it all go away, I'm sorry for all I've done wrong, I've tried my best, all I want to do is lead a normal life, with my family too. We are a good family God, we have all our faults, we have our mistakes, but look at us God, we are holding our heads up high, still praying to you in the sky. If you can't do it for me do it for my family, please something, anything, we need a damn break. Maybe that's what makes me sick, all of this going on and on, without anybody to help us. There is no way to cure a broken heart, there is no way to cure a lost mother, there is no way to cure an illness so stealthy.
I hope you have listened to our prayers God, that is all I ask in the long run.
I am on my way to work, just like everyone else, I need to make money, to pay for my bills, to get good credit so I can get a beautiful home, a dog, and 3 kids. I can't have this in the way of that dream, I feel so sick, every single day, for too long God for too long. I'm tired of the stares, I'm tired of people asking me if I'm ok, I just want it to fucking end, today. All the gagging, the vomiting, the shitting, what else can you fucking throw at me? What else do you have to take from me? My only love, my mother, and now my health? Why God, just stop, please stop, make it all go away, I'm sorry for all I've done wrong, I've tried my best, all I want to do is lead a normal life, with my family too. We are a good family God, we have all our faults, we have our mistakes, but look at us God, we are holding our heads up high, still praying to you in the sky. If you can't do it for me do it for my family, please something, anything, we need a damn break. Maybe that's what makes me sick, all of this going on and on, without anybody to help us. There is no way to cure a broken heart, there is no way to cure a lost mother, there is no way to cure an illness so stealthy.
I hope you have listened to our prayers God, that is all I ask in the long run.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Random Poetry
The words echo in my head, they keep telling me what is right and wrong, but when I really need them they stop instead.
My heart aches for a certain clarity, hoping that one day everything I am working for does not end up in catastrophe.
I wake up to a new set of words every morning, a new set of awkwardness that has followed me when I first started learning.
About what I ask myself day in and day out, my mind is still seeing, still teaching itself not to surrender in the first bout.
The first round of life, the second I have yet to discover, and the transition between them have made me wonder.
What to believe in anymore, what to hold on to anymore, how sure can you be that what you are fighting for is yours for sure.
I see so much now that was blind to me before, the people I pass by sing a different tune to my ear, the words scramble a thought so unclear that has me beaten to my core.
How fair is this place, when death is so near yet so far, a life so short a life as delicate as lace.
Love is not a puzzle but a clarity so rare, the teardrops flow from the heart as if it had a tear.
How can our minds be so strong, our hearts so soft, our thoughts so long.
How do we decipher these words that we hear, how do we interpret why someone has put us here.
I think these things, all day, all night, and every time I have to light a new light.
For the old one has burned out, the words have no meaning, no end, and none of them you can shout.
So what do I see when I see the future and what it could be, the future is never there for me, because like the stars and the people I can only do what I see and by then the future will be what it should be.
My heart aches for a certain clarity, hoping that one day everything I am working for does not end up in catastrophe.
I wake up to a new set of words every morning, a new set of awkwardness that has followed me when I first started learning.
About what I ask myself day in and day out, my mind is still seeing, still teaching itself not to surrender in the first bout.
The first round of life, the second I have yet to discover, and the transition between them have made me wonder.
What to believe in anymore, what to hold on to anymore, how sure can you be that what you are fighting for is yours for sure.
I see so much now that was blind to me before, the people I pass by sing a different tune to my ear, the words scramble a thought so unclear that has me beaten to my core.
How fair is this place, when death is so near yet so far, a life so short a life as delicate as lace.
Love is not a puzzle but a clarity so rare, the teardrops flow from the heart as if it had a tear.
How can our minds be so strong, our hearts so soft, our thoughts so long.
How do we decipher these words that we hear, how do we interpret why someone has put us here.
I think these things, all day, all night, and every time I have to light a new light.
For the old one has burned out, the words have no meaning, no end, and none of them you can shout.
So what do I see when I see the future and what it could be, the future is never there for me, because like the stars and the people I can only do what I see and by then the future will be what it should be.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
You've got to be kidding
And I used to joke about this shit in high school....
I can't believe it actually came true lol...
POT VENDING MACHINE
click on the words.
I can't believe it actually came true lol...
POT VENDING MACHINE
click on the words.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Where I would like to live.
Since the picture below was a downer I thought I would put a picture of the more beautiful things this world has to offer.
Friday, January 25, 2008
This Photo Made me cry
This picture makes you think a lot about how lucky we really are to live in this country. Click on the picture to read what its about.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
You know when you look at months and the days on a calendar, you see that December 31st and January 1st are only a day apart. And it makes you doubt whether any true change has ever occurred once that ball comes down and the seconds reach 0. But quickly as the next morning rolls around, you are standing in a new year, the first time you wake up, the first time you brush your teeth this year, the first thing you ate this year, its like everything as completely been erased and the world is a different place. I can tell you now that this year is going to be pretty eventful, I'm cautious yet excited to go through it. The weather has been great, no complaints there, for once I can actually see the January sky without shivering. Recently I realized how much I love staying outside and chilling in the cool breeze watching the sky and thinking. Or even hanging out with my friends that I haven't seen for years. I was with them recently, and my God we have so many great memories, and it seems like those memories will never stop recycling in our heads, I had an amazing time with my friends, I felt like I was at home with them, because they brought me back to a place where things were simple, yet have changed into our ages.
This year I'm going to end my run as a teenager...I have less than 7 months before I end that "teen" ending to my age. My God, I can't believe it...when I was 13 I had no idea what to expect being a teenager, I had no idea, even though I was told it so many times before, that these years were going to be the hardest most difficult and most important years of my life. Every year I feel more complete, as if I'm getting closer to being more and more wise, every year, I pay deeper attention to everything around me. Life opens new doors for me every time, things are only going to change from here on out.
I hope for nothing but the best...
This year I'm going to end my run as a teenager...I have less than 7 months before I end that "teen" ending to my age. My God, I can't believe it...when I was 13 I had no idea what to expect being a teenager, I had no idea, even though I was told it so many times before, that these years were going to be the hardest most difficult and most important years of my life. Every year I feel more complete, as if I'm getting closer to being more and more wise, every year, I pay deeper attention to everything around me. Life opens new doors for me every time, things are only going to change from here on out.
I hope for nothing but the best...
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