Surprisingly another post!

Here I am at 10:20AM, still not able to sleep since about 8 something this morning. Went to bed at 2AM, my body wanted to go to sleep a few minutes ago but of course Joshua got hungry :).

You know things are getting interesting when your web browser recognizes the fact that you are looking for a job so much that it suggests career websites for you. Or the fact that your favorites tab now has job listings on it.

In the back of my head I keep thinking, I have a job, wtf am I doing spending my vacation looking for one? But I guess when your bank account has less than what they take out of taxes per paycheck and you have a family to take care of, then you realize that you don't make as much as you thought.

Things have been going downhill for weeks, and it seems like there is no end to the madness. Everyday it seems I worry about something different, what bill do we have to pay today? I get up every morning hoping someone will call my damn phone for at least an interview and yet nothing happens. As the money disappears slowly, so does your sanity.

I think about all the people who come to my job who keep telling me how broke they are, then you pull up their accounts and they have twice or three times as much as you do. I remember when I used to think the same way. Unfortunately, its a little different when you really are fucked. The funny thing is I've been in this situation before, many times in my life. Yet those times were with myself, I could careless if I had to eat ramen noodles everyday to save money. After a while I might starve to death but at least it would be just me. But I can't stand to tell my wife I can't buy her a 20 or 30 dollar cell phone, I can't stand to think about how many times a month Joshua eats and dreading seeing the bottom of his formula can because in the back of my mind I know its going to cost another arm and a leg.

To tell the truth, I'm just tired, exhausted from thinking about all the possibilities of getting out of this situation and none of those ideas have worked.

To top it all off, Zulen can't go to school this year or next because they denied her financial aid because of a situation that happened last year. They want us to pay for a full semester before they consider giving her financial aid. Well that would be great if we could afford it in the first place.

Life is funny sometimes, you can go from point A to point B in a matter of minutes. Sometimes you want to blame yourself for being in these situations. I just feel like something has got to give, I can't imagine not being able to make the rent, I love this apartment, I feel like this apartment gives us a sense of accomplishment that would shatter our confidence if we ever had to give it up.

I guess the only thing left to do is keep trying, keep praying that nothing else will happen that will further strain us.

The Pandemic

The trouble with everything changing so quickly is that one doesn't even have time to think anymore. I used to have so much time to think about everything around me, I haven't been able to just stop and take a look at my life for so long it seems. Time just keeps going and going, it refuses to stop for you, the bad times seems to drag out and the good times come and go.

This leave has allowed for me to take a deep breath and examine what I have been meaning to in so long.

Yesterday was a milestone. One year anniversary & My wife's birthday all wrapped into one day. Unfortunately at the moment our finances don't agree with us so we really couldn't do much except watch multiple episodes of True Blood (great show by the way).

At one point Zulen had told me that there are certain things that I didn't understand just yet. Yesterday I think I finally understood one thing she has been feeling for quite some time, and its something that will linger on for years to come.

Its never an easy thing to see your parents get divorced. Though through all the fighting and yelling that my parents did, it almost seemed like maybe it was better for them to go through with it. Yet, when my dad finally told me that he was getting a lawyer for a divorce, it still send sadness roaring across my mind. I thought of all the great times we had as a family. I thought of all the good days my mother used to have, all the days I spent with my dad being his leech.

Unfortunately its still an old wound that only stings when it rains. I thought that at one point I had forgotten about the fact that my mother will no longer be with my father, yet to this day it saddens me every time I think about it. I used to wish every single day that my mother get cured, and that my parents would get back together again like the good old times. But at one point I realized that it will never happen.

Its a dream I've had for years. My mom comes back cured, my dad falls in love again and they are a happy family one more time. Now...its just all fiction.

I didn't quite remember how it felt like until yesterday. When Zulen's dad came over, just him and Jorge. I could see the pain in her eyes after he left. I can tell how fresh her wound still is, tender to the touch. Except in her case, it was an unexpected divorce. Even worse. One day you think your life is just great, your family is happy, and then a bomb goes off.

Its then I knew that no matter how great of a present she got from her dad, she could never forgive him for breaking up the family.

Sometimes I don't understand love. I have always understood family, or so I thought. What I still don't understand is why I won't be able to just get another taste of what it felt like to see my parents together, just one more taste. To see both of them happy with each other, its something I've always wanted to see. But to see the pain in my wife's eyes, its heartbreaking. Then I look at Joshua, and I pray to God everyday that he never has to go through this, ever. Even if one day Zulen and I can't stand each other, I don't want him to suffer. Because even though the parents feel a bulk of the suffering from divorce, the children suffer the most in the end. Especially if the family was so close. I hope that in the future when things get sticky and we are at wits end with each other, we can settle our differences and stay with each other until death do us part. I'm tired of hearing about the divorce rate in this country, now it has become just a number, but people seem to forget the pain that is associated with it. Sometimes its for the better, but most of the time its for petty things.

Zulen I hope that one day you realize that things will be ok. Unfortunately at one point the wound you feel now becomes a scar. But remember that we have our family now, even though we couldn't help our parents, we can help each other. We can't be scared of things to come, we have to try when things get tough. Honestly I think we have done a great job already. We will be ok as long as neither of us give up. Don't worry about all the memories you might be missing now, because now we have the opportunity to make memories with our family. Things that Joshua will remember for the rest of his life, things that he will keep with him forever. Don't let your sadness devour you, life unfortunately keeps going no matter what you are feeling. Just remember that you have your two boys to help you through this, and even though Joshua can't talk, I know he loves his mommy, and you know I love you to.

Another long night...

Another random sleepless night. I woke up at 2 a.m. and for the life of me couldn't go back to sleep. My brain decided that the best time to think about stuff is right when you are trying to go back to fucking sleep so here I am lol.

Part of the reason why I can't go back to sleep tonight is because my mind is full of thoughts that have been put off for the longest time. I've started to realize that instead of embracing my thoughts like I used to, I've been putting them off to the side, almost like I'm waiting for them to go away. When did I become so scared to think? Or is it that I have less time to do so now?

The first thing that comes to mind, is being exhausted. The funny thing is, I'm so drained emotionally that it is starting to pour into my physical well being. Partially because of this treatment that I am on which makes my body work over time. I just think its funny because I don't do a job that is physically demanding, I sit on my ass all day and yet when I come home it feels as though my life has been sucked out of me and there is little room for anything else but relaxation.
I've been trying to put together what exactly is going on right now, I don't think there has been a time in a my life where things have not only happened so quickly but just start piling on top of each other one after the other.
Right now I feel anxious, restless, nervous to get this situation with my health cleared up. I feel these steroids in my body all day, I know they are there and I don't really appreciate it. In fact I hate it to be quite honest, sometimes it scares me to think that I have to be on this stuff on and off for the rest of my life, because I don't feel like myself with them. These symptoms that I have came out of fucking left field and they couldn't come at a worse time. A time where I'm trying to keep my job in good standing since I just got it, my car is totaled, had to deal with insurance people for my pregnant wife who almost didn't give it to us, and a baby on the way. Not to mention some other issues which I've had to deal with on the side. All of it, in a matter of 2 months. Oh yea not to mention, we're broke lol. Especially since not of these things in life are free.

I've tried to tell myself that everything will be ok since I know it will be. It seems as though I've been going about it the wrong way however. I've failed to realize that in order to let go of certain things, you can't put them aside, you can't just expect them to go away, you actually have to let them go.

I'm not a religious person, I'm not one of those people that jump around or tell you that Jesus says this or that God says that and you must do what God says or this will happen, all that to me is bullshit. Especially people that live in this state are obsessed with the idea that God is this and God is that, its kinda of sad really because they seem to live their lives based on solely that. All I know is throughout this whole mess that has happened I had a long talk with God one night, I told him "God I know things happen for a reason, but all these things are going on too fast too soon, hopefully you can help us" and the next week I got into a wreck that totaled my car. Was it bad news? Hell yea it was, but now...they are telling me I don't have to pay the monthly payment on the car anymore. A blessing in disguise? Dad always told me that God works in mysterious ways. So whether he be real or not, someone out there is listening...

As far as Zulen and I go, its definitely a rocky start to a marriage, we haven't even been married a year and all this crazy stuff is going on. But I can tell that we are learning something out of this, I've never been happier being married to her. As far as the future goes we are still deciding how that is going to come about with apartments and things like that, but I feel as though through all of this we are going to learn something important that will hopefully keep us strong for years to come. Usually at my job there aren't many 21 year olds who do what I do, all of the people I work with are 10 years or older than I am. I know we are on the right track, I know that at one point in our lives we will look back at this and thank God for all we have. Soon we are going to have a family, and we're going to be in charge of raising a human being. As the days come closer my mind races even faster. I think it might have finally hit me a certain point these past few weeks that its almost here. I can't wait to meet the person my wife has been dreaming about all her life, or the little person I feel in her stomach. We may not be adults just yet, but I hope that our kid will enjoy what we have to offer at the moment whether it be something small or big.

For the moment I'm going to stop, even though I feel like saying so much more, now I have to figure out how the hell I'm going to function at work especially in a class with managers :( I just hope they don't know I'm there today lol.

2009-2010

It feels almost criminal to leave my blog behind for so long. It seems as though for the past few months I've had nothing to say or nothing to write about. But there is always something deep inside me that wished I had something to write my thoughts out on, and I had almost forgot that I could do so right here, in this very web page.

What can I say about last year? I don't think there was one thing that hadn't changed last year...

I started my life with my new wife, the beginning started out very rocky, of course it had to do with her parents divorcing right when I had come in to bring joy into our lives, the other part that brings joy to her had been taken away. The next few months were met with problems, to the point where my visit would have been short lived, but I stayed the course, hoping that someone could help us.

Time to time I do still feel hurt about the whole situation, its like a lingering headache that never goes away. Sometimes I feel nervous that it might happen again, and at that point I don't think I could go through it again. I'd rather the child live with one parent then in a house of disasters.

I hope that Zulen and I are good parents, I hope that regardless of its a boy or girl that I can teach it something about the good and bad of life, to look at things from a different perspective then looking at it from just one angle. There is so much more to life than what is just in front of us.

Unfortunately my baby lost her job this month, a great way to start the new year. We went from being comfortable to having to worry about what we are going to do next. Maybe God thought we got too comfortable. But I warned her about this every day, things like this can happen at any time, that is why one must always be prepared when life wakes you up out of no where. It happens to me all the time, which is why I guess I am so cautious when it comes to spending too much money.

Unfortunately for now I have to go to work, hopefully I will remember to finish my thoughts later :)

May 1st

Its May 1st, and it feels like I have been here for years...

Some things have happened recently that have made me think and look back on what was. So many things have happened....

Is there a such thing has too many changes? I have always been one to know that change is inevitable, that sooner or later you most likely will not see or do the same things you were doing before.
But I don't think in the history of me do I remember having so many things happen at the same time...

I can't really think lately, I can't think straight, sometimes I feel like I can't breath, as if my oxygen is running low, my heart is aching, my thoughts are all over the place and the world is sitting on top of me.
Things did not happen the way I expected them to. And to think I actually thought I was going to catch a break. But it reminds that life is never that easy, I understand sometimes why my dad never made plans.

I look at my baby and I see something I have never seen in a while in her. I see confusion, fear, pain, sometimes she would stare into the air and it seems as if she is lost in her own thoughts.
God has a funny way of granting wishes. It seems as though he allows us to have certain things we ask for, but in return we must sacrifice other things. In this case its her parents.
I'm in a position where I don't know what to do, where it seems like nothing I say will cure her. This seems to be our first true test... I realize that this had to come sooner or later, but God did it have to be now? I was hoping to enjoy some of the things that we couldn't being so far away from each other... I wanted her and I to take a fucking break from all the emotional stress that we've had to deal with for so long.
sigh... thats life.
Unfortunately it has taken a toll on her, things have been said and done that shouldn't have ever been.
We have decided to postpone the wedding until, who knows when the fuck. She seemed so eager to do so before all this happened. But after the things that have happened it always seem like bad karma to have one now. Its kind of disappointing, at one point you never felt so sure, and the next you feel as if the bad things that have happened around you will for sure happen in our own future.
But in all honesty, I have realized how young we both are. As hard as that is to admit. Its kind of like, "well what more do I have to do now?". I feel exhausted from ear to ear, as much as this situation isn't supposed to be about me, I see it in her face everyday, I hear the words being exchanged everyday, and it feels like the world is going to crumble.

I feel like I don't really know what to else to say...I'm tired of talking, i'm tired of talking about my feelings or how I feel about things. I'm tired of worrying, I'm tired of being tired of everything.

I've been trying to get myself into a better mood these past couple days, I've been trying to get used to things that I'm not accustomed to as well. And then I realized that I haven't vented in fucking forever, that all those words that have been piling up in my chest are dying to get out of me.

Another thing is...I look at zulen's mom, and it reminds me of how I felt when mom was around. I never know when she will fall apart, she smiles at you but her eyes tell you a different story. Then I remember all those days I felt so stressed out and tense everytime my mom would start a fight. And yet even after all of that, I still miss her....If she had never had the disease, she would have done no harm to us. I remember those days she used to walk with me, and I fucking miss her, I just want to hug her again and tell her i'm sorry for the nasty shit I've ever said to her.

there i go again....losing breath,

the keyboard seems to get harder, i feel the ache in my head, I feel the tension in my eyes....

Now what keeps me going? What helps me breath again? I know that nothing bad ever lasts forever, that one day I can look back at this and take a deep breath, a breath so big that my lungs will fill up with joy.

There is lots more I can say, some things I'd rather not bring up right now.

Unfortunately my laptop (R.I.P. March 02, 2008- April 28th 2009) which cost me 1100 fucking dollars, has passed away. We had good times and we have bad times, mostly fun times :). I always enjoyed cleaning your registry, and backing up your files. I will never forget the day you arrived at my doorstep, you looked so lonely, you looked like you needed a hug and I was there to give you one. We spent almost everyday together, I hope you have a good time in PC heaven, don't forget about me. Now to the fuckers responsible for the laptops creation YOU OWE ME FUCKING 1100 FUCKING DOLLARS YOU ASSHOLES!!! WHAT THE FUCK???!!!!!!! I spent every penny of my paycheck combined with my tax return to get the fucking thing, and these guys want to charge me $400 dollars just to talk to them on the phone because i'm out of warranty. Well eat me.

Night everyone. :)

Friday the 13th

15 minutes left till Friday the 13th. As always though, I'm mostly afraid of what will happen the next day after Friday the 13th which happens to be Valentine's day lol.

For some strange reason right now I feel very odd. I look around the room and it feels as if I'm in the wrong place, yet I've been here for a while. I can't figure out why but for some reason I can't seem to sleep all the way through at night, most likely because of the fact that I've been having to wake up really early now lol.
I think about you guys alot, I wonder how the kids are doing, and sometimes I get sad when I think about having to see them bigger than before.
Things over here can get uncomfortable for me sometimes, especially when the family is not one that I've known my whole life, they do things differently over here. I think about mom, and I wish someone could just shake a magic wand on her and she could keep taking her pills. I kinda miss how she sounded and how she responded so well when she was taking them. Seeing Zulen's mom, I realize that even though the disorder is still there, she can function throughout the day, she can be a mom.
So much time is passing by, and every year that goes by it feels like I have less and less to say to mom. I don't know what to talk about sometimes, and I can tell she notices when I don't have anything to say. I hate that, I hate having to think so hard to remember what she looks like, I hate having to think so hard to remember the memories with her. I need more memories, good ones, ones that bring a smile to my face instead of memories that make me think twice of bringing her back here.

I also think about the future, where will I be in a few years? I have no idea...What will I be thinking about then? who knows... But I need Zulen to understand that somehow in the near future, if we plan to be with each other we have to compromise on where we will be living. I realize that its hard for you to leave your parents baby that it will break their hearts, but if we wish to live on our own one day we have to do so. But of course that is a while away. It just seems like the days here last forever sometimes yet they don't...its hard to explain.
But so far so good, I've only been here for a month and I got a good job, what scares me though is that the economy is getting worse as we speak and I work at a friggin bank. I just hope something like a miracle happens and the economy finally gets back on its feet. Too many good people are suffering right now, and its all because everyone lets the big boys at the banks do whatever they want.

N e way, I have a final today (Friday the 13th lol) for my Suntrust training. The people are great so far, just a little bit too focused on making money, but its a bank what do i expect lol. The training program here is friggin amazing, I had absolutely no idea how to do anything the first day I got here, and now I'm able to complete almost any transaction you shoot at me lol. If you have any banking questions just ask me :). I love you all, I miss you all, give the kids a kiss for me, and give max one for me 2 baby :). I'm so lucky to have lived with so many strong women, it lets me know that anything is possible :P

Every night I think about how fast the days go by. It feels like I am living in a different phase of my life. I pray every night that I have not made a mistake, or that my nerves don't get to me. Life here is so much more simple, its definitely a way of living that I have to get used to. Though Virginia has its share of gangs, trouble areas, and expensive living. The state is so well taken care of, the schools are top of the line and the climate can be really peaceful. Tennessee is not as well taken care of, but the people here are a little bit different in the sense that their mentality is very spiritual. The north lacks religion while the south is too involved with it. I had a good laugh in a supermarket here the other day when I went past the little section where the cheap 50 cent little mini toys are sold. Usually in VA there are crappy little sticky globs, or bouncy balls, or gum that you can buy. But over here in TN they had a collection of Glow in the dark crosses. At first I stood in amazement at how different the mentality is over here. People here are so easily offended by the simplest things. I think that is what scares me about the conservative mentality sometimes. People here are too quick to judge change. Sometimes I listen to what my best friends girlfriend complains about, and it just makes me laugh. She complains that Jorge listens to rap or watches stuff with cuss words in them. As if God will send her to hell for doing such things.
It seems to me as if this place has always tried to stay far away from what is the liberal north. I start to think about the civil war, and I never realized until very recently how different the south and the north really are. Though the north is more accepting of different people, people up north focus their whole lives on money. And when your mind is programmed to make money, people lose a little bit of life each day, and little bit of themselves every time that paycheck is cashed in.

So...So far my analysis is lol, people here in TN need to open their eyes and realize that their is a bigger world than just Tennessee. And people in VA need to settle the fuck down, and admire the beauty that is Virginia once in a while.
But regardless of the type of people here, all is so-so so far. I pray to God that I find a job soon or this whole month is going to be a nightmare. I've always been one to have at least a little bit of money up their sleeve in case of any emergency, and now that that money is gone I am very uneasy and I can't seem to lift the weights off my chest. But no one said it was going to be easy, but its hard to keep confident when I've literally applied to 10 different jobs and not one has contacted me. Though it kinda hurts my confidence, I have to keep hoping, something, even a job as a fucking cow tipper, i don't give a shit just pay me lol. I do pray however, even as desperate as I am, that it will be a job that I can stick with and that pays well so I can be at least as comfortable as I was a few months back.

well i'm off to bed, i just want to say i miss all you guys, and I see the little faces of my nieces, nephews, etc... every night in my head :) I love you all, good night.

Great Human Beings

I have class in about 3 hours from now. And as I have the whole morning to myself, I go outside of my room into a quiet bright room. I start to think to myself about what has happened last month, and what is going to happen later on this month. Unfortunately all of November I was unsuccessful in finding a job, and I have kinda been forced to stay in my room quite frequently throughout the month. But then there have been times when I have actually spent time with my dad these past few weeks.
I remember long ago when I use to have to rely on him for everything. When I use to look up at him to talk to him, when I would hold his hand to cross the street. Back then though my mind was only thinking about candy and action figures. Now things are different, I've been working and going to school almost everyday since I was 17. I think for some reason during that period, little by little I sensed a detachment away from my dad, not only because I had my own money, but mentally. Like when we would talk, we wouldn't have much to say to each other, granted even now we still don't because we are both very quiet people when it comes to personal situations. For me and my sisters its different, I've developed a relationship with them that has allowed them and I to talk about personal things without limits. But me always being the youngest in the family, I've always had issues talking to my dad about stuff like that because it always seemed as though he didn't really pay attention to what I had to say.
But every year that passed between now and when i was 17 has taught me alot about who my dad really is, and about who I am myself. I look at him differently, I see his mistakes more frequently, he has told me things that he has never told me before. Recently though it almost seems like I have hooked that link onto him that I had lost before. Now of course things are different, he has 3 more kids that are all much younger than I am, and another women in his life. There are plenty of times where I prayed that my mother could be there instead of Ayde. To this day that is still true. But then I put myself into my dad's shoes. And recently with all this going on with my mom it has been on my dad's mind more so than usual. The truth is my dad was confused, he has told me many things that she had done to him. And I think regardless of her illness, things like that hurt. Especially when she became a completely different person than who she was when my dad first met her.
Dad feels betrayed at times, and I know that after so many years of dealing with her, everytime he speaks to her he can only think the bad things she did or had done to him.

But its weird how life is, I end up not having a job for a while which obviously strains my finances, but at the same time I gained something so vital to me and my dad's relationship. Living with him everyday though, seeing him tired also takes a toll on me. I worry about him alot, I have this huge fear of not seeing him or my mom for a long time. I know that once I go to TN my dad will be on my mind alot. It almost seems unfair that I have to see him like this before I leave. I have this bond with my dad that I will never lose ever in my life, even when I slept in my own room for the first time I felt weird being away from him. He has always been there for me.

I know that he wants me to go so I can see for myself how it is to be on my own. But even though this opportunity has presented itself, I have this ache in my heart that I won't be able to help my dad if he ever needed help when I am gone. I mean how do I repay years of sacrifice? But that's what a true parent really is, unselfish. Even people with tons of money with no kids feel something is missing in their lives, because most people live for their children, their lives run on the fact that they will see their children succeed in one way or another, and my dad is just that type of a man.
I see the mistakes that he does now, some things I know my mom would have a legit reason to get mad at him for. Things that have always plagued him, like buying cars. With unfortunately affects his credit, which in return doesn't allow him to purchase a house or a nice car or have credit cards to help someone live comfortably. And its so interesting seeing these mistakes from him, because he is such a wise man. In his mind he buys these costly things because one day he plans to sell them for a greater value. But then he ends up losing money and not being able to afford other things so he has to sell them for a cheaper price just so he can afford what he would have been able to afford if he hadn't purchased the stuff in the first place.
Even though he has a his faults like all humans do, I truly believe he is a great example of what a man really is. A man is only as great as his wife. Men in the past have done great things, mostly because women weren't allowed to do certain things. But if you read about all our great men in this country, even in other countries, they relied on their wives many times. Even though men can be great, we have this childish mindset about us, which I am sure comes from our mothers spoiling us. All men are different true, but most men I think need a good woman by their side to tell them what their faults are, to allow the men to grow up, because though we maybe 30 or 40 years old, inside we are only teenagers, and men do stupid shit even as they get older.
I have always hoped that my dad would be able to marry someone that he would be happy with for the rest of his life. A man like that truly deserves happiness, and maybe he does feel happy with Ayde, but for some reason I worry about him alot with her, I believe that if my mom was ok, if she hadn't done or said some of the nasty things long ago, she would have been able to help my dad grow out of that. But unfortunately here we are. But that is my opinion, it doesn't it is right or wrong, it is only what I see from my perspective, from what little I have learned so far from life. Whatever my dad's plans for future are, I pray that God helps him, gives him a break. I hope that God can see the amount of greatness and heart that my dad brings to this planet, "this world has such a lack of great people now in days" someone told me one day, but just because your parents or your grandparents were never on the news inventing some sort of gadget or theory does not mean they were never great people. Great men and woman are everywhere in this world, but because many people find it so boring they never pay attention. But just take a look at the house you live in, the car you drive, the body you are living in...someone great created that, that's why I can never look at myself in the mirror and be disgusted because I am the son of Jose Antonio Terrazas and Ivonne Virginia Altamirano. And even though they have never been on television or they will never be presented with a medal, I believe they are great people. And as I struggle to find myself in college or school, as I struggle to be someone great, I think the greatest worry I will have, is whether my kids will see me as a great man. And I pray to God that I never let them down, that whatever career or life I choose will never affect my reputation with my kids. "Great human beings are not just those who get recognized for it" JMT

I love the cold nights, when the sky is clear and all you need is a good jacket to help you clear your mind. I have always loved the fall and winter for the crisp, cool, and clean air. The type of air that makes you want to take a deep breath forever, to cool the burning sensations in your soul.
I just finished viewing all the pictures that Caroline posted on her facebook. Sometimes you just look at those pictures and start to think about all the memories since then. In every picture you see happiness, a time in your life that you wanted to remember for the rest of your years. When you say smile, you don't realize that whatever picture you just took was a place in time that has been frozen. Those times are the times that help you through the bad times, in some pictures you see how much younger you were, or how happy you were. When I see a picture I look into the people's eyes...What adventures do those eyes hold? What is their contribution to the great puzzle that is life?
We as human beings have this sense within us that can detect a bad person or a good person. In some people it is stronger than others, I believe in an aura or energy that surrounds us all whether it be a good or bad one. But I wonder now, if that aura can be changed.............What if one day or one year you notice a person to have a good energy, a healthy aura, and then they end up doing something that is bad or destructive to other people, will that aura stay the same or change?
It might sound like something hippies would talk about, or fake physics. But I do believe that humans have a special sense about those things.
I watch those shows on NBC that show the criminals that go to prison and tape their lives in jail. Whenever you see an individual like that, you can see it in his eyes what type of person they are. You can sense it through the television as if something is placing pressure on your energy.
You see some people who work all their lives, who have a family, have a good job, and yet they snap. What makes people change so drastically? Is it the fact that we can not satisfy the goals we thought we could accomplish? Or the fact that life gives us so many obstacles that the pressure buildup is too overwhelming?
I talked to my dad about things like this once, I asked him "Dad why do bad things happen to good people who work, help other people, while bad people who steal or kill seem to get away with it"? He simple replied, "bad things happen to good people because they care, bad people don't care about shit, so they seem so happy all the time"
And it is true, if I robbed a bank, became rich. I would be relieved to have such an amount of money, but what about the other people who put their life savings in that same bank? How many other families did I put into the same position as me? How would I be able to go into a public place without lowering my head or hiding?
But bad people don't give a shit.

So when I hear about what Derrick is doing to you Vanessa I get troubled. Because it had to be an outside force that has affected the way a person acts. It is what that glass bottle contains, a simple liquid, that has reformatted how he is as a person, even deep inside. You both have invited me to places with you ever since I was young. I have seen your eyes Vanessa, I have seen the pain that is hidden inside them, and then I look at your three beautiful girls and I see you in all of them. Dad has taught us such valuable things in life, he has taught us that family is the core of who we are as a person. He said himself that if things in your family are not going well, neither will anything else in your life. I think about your situation and I can feel your pain, because I see how he is with the kids, I see how much the kids love him, I see how much shit you have gone through just to keep your family together. Then I think about what if Zulen did that to me, how would I feel? If I dedicated my life to her, and she simply spit in my face. The amount of pain alone would damage me to a point of no return. But Vanessa, there is a better life somewhere for you, you and Caroline deserve it the most. God may not be placing that life right in front of you, but because you are a good person, and you care, he will always place that oppurtunity near you. Even dad is starting to realize things that he hasn't before about Derrick, but suprsingly he sticks to his story. He just doesn't understand...
I honestly can't believe he has not taken the opportunity to get help, it shows that he has given up. Like I said even when he is sober he seems drunk, it has gotten to a point where I can't tell the difference anymore, his actions have only gotten worse, and they will get worse from this point. I think the times he tried to hit you were when I started thinking that something was wrong. Something has changed his energy, and I know you can feel it. Maybe one day you can film him drunk, film him when he is at his worst, show him, show him what you see, make him care, and if he still is not embarassed about that then God save him.

Lol

Ladies and gentlemen are candidates for 2008 Election

And sometimes your heart hurts your brain, because the brain isn't loving right.

Wow, hell of a day today. Some moron hit my car when it was parked, I was told to hide from the owner of my job when I came to work without a hat, I had to drive in the rain with a busted driver side view mirror, and eventually I will lose my job.
Such a wonderful turn of events really. To those people who are not used to sarcasm, fuck you :D.

There are so many things on my mind right now that I would love to talk about, so many different ways that I could express them in such a way that you would understand them. For the past few weeks I have had some trouble sleeping with a certain thought in my head (and I mean that literally). Bad sleep=bad days.

After 4 years of on and off meetings with each other, years that have been met with happiness and sorrow, years of praying that one day we might have the opportunity to finally be able to breath the same air for longer than 2 weeks at a time. That opportunity has come, but of course that opportunity has come at a cost that has my heart skipping twice a day, and my mind racing twice more.
For my whole life, my sisters have been there to comfort me, my mom on her good days loved me with all her heart, and my dad did the same yet he had little time to express it. There were memories that I wish had never been placed in my head in the first place, but the memories that last forever are the memories that matter. I have seen my family struggle in some of the most intense situations. Even though my whole family was older than me by many years, I was always hoping to be as much as part of it as anyone else, and they never forgot about me.
I look at my dad right now, getting older and more tired as the days pass, yet his smiles let you know that he is still the same inside. He is the most honorable man I have met, his heart is dedicated to his family in such a way that it is shared equally among us without anyone feeling the least bit left out. I look at him and I see a lot of myself in him that I never have before, the way we communicate, the way we handle certain situations. Even now, he has another 3 kids to look after, and he still finds the time to worry about all of us. I have seen pain in my dad's before, I have seen how he reacts when one of his children are hurt, I have seen him worry day in and day out about everyone. At one point in my life I vowed never to hurt him in any way. Me and him used to go everywhere with each other, we even slept in the same bed for a very long time.
Now I myself am getting older, I see things differently than I used to, I view the world as carefully as I can, but his guidance is still vital to me.
Now this opportunity presents itself....
If it was any other family I would have taken the liberty to not even bother with such worries, if it were any other family my decisions would not require such careful attention.

My heart is made up of so many things I hold dear in this world, it has always been my goal since I was a little kid to not hurt those I love, whenever I do such things my heart takes a beating.
And now....my heart is caught in the middle of a debate that I can not win. How can you tell your heart to calm down when all it hears is love? How can you tell your brain to slow down when it can not catch up with your heart?
I realize that as I have grown older, my personality has changed along with me, and I have noticed that I am not like some other people my age. Which is why I don't have many friends in the first place, I am not one for bullshit conversations, or small talk that leads to no where. I can notice a jerkoff a mile away, or a whore 2 miles of away (depending on if she opens her legs). My sense of humor has either been the center of attention or has been up for questioning. I have been one to fall to depression easily, and I rarely talk to anyone about my private life. I have never been satisfied by talking about my own problems, I only do so the people I love know I am fine. I have never taken a drug in my life in the fear that I will dissappoint my father or others I care in a big way. I don't enjoy going to clubs as much as others, I do enjoy parties but only if I know other people. At times I can be extremely boring, and other times I can be fun.
Yet in all those things that make me the person that I am, nothing else fills that which is me so much as the love I have for the people I love.
I love my dad with every inch of my soul, even with is struggles with money he has given me and my sisters everything that we NEED in life. Even though I have no ability to speak of such things outloud, I know he knows this. I also hope he understands what I must do to fill in a gap that has been lingering in my heart for these past few years. I pray to God that whatever comes my way when I do this will not be in vain.

I will go to Tennessee to be with my baby, to finish college there, to hopefully achieve a future that I have always dreamed about. Right now we need each other desperately, college is already hard enough. Her parents have offered to help us by allowing me to stay in their basement. I am fully aware of the consequences, I am fully aware of the pain that I might have to feel in the process. But I can not let myself regret not taking such an opportunity as this. I am proud to know that my sisters love her just as much as I do, she has been what has kept me going these past few years, what has driven me to help better myself, without her I could careless about what happens to me. I know what my dad might be afraid of, I know that love is a rollercoaster, but I must do this for me, I can't continue to let my heart suffer at the hands of time any longer.

When I do make this trip it will not be until maybe next semester, but when the time comes I just want you all to know that I am in good hands. I will have the opportunity to visit you guys alot (during when school is out of course). You know for a fact that I will miss you all like hell, this was not an easy decision for me. I have had more than enough time to think about this, and I can't hear her cry anymore and not be able to hold her, I can't allow for our whole relationship to be based on how many minutes we have left to talk on the cellphone. I can't handle seeing her a few days every 6 or 7 months, the pain is just too much. I am so happy to have you guys in my life, vanessa, caroline, zulen, dad, mom, and even as my shirt soaks from my tears, I know that we will all be ok sooner or later. I am trying my hardest on my own to be able to accomplish my dream of having a good future, and so is she, but I know that if we are together things will be so much easier to see.
I know that it won't be like I will never see you guys again, but I just want you to know that leaving you guys is never an easy thing. There are still a couple months left until the end of the semsester, and I have so many things to think about and plan. But i'm going to stop typing so many words before blogger sues me for taking up all their bandwidth. I hope to talk to you guys soon :D

How long till I can see you again

There are days when I feel like I don't try enough, or that we don't try enough to see each other as much as we could. But then I remember everything else that is in our way. Some days I feel like we should just get it over with, be with each other. My heart feels heavy, my mind is pensive, all I can think about is how marvelous life would be if I could just be with you always now instead of having to wait until our future is secure. Its funny to say that to myself, that if I wait that we will have better lives, but will we? At least for me, I know that if I had you by my side, it would feel like I know what I need to do in life, I want to take care of you, give you what you need like you have done for me all along. Being in this room all day certainly does not raise my spirits, hearing you say that you won't be able to see me this year again flattened it. Hear I thought telling your parents would be so great, that life would be different, I even absorbed some of your optimism. But alas, here we are, in the same position we have been in for years, and hurts me as I know it hurts you. It seems like there is nothing we can do, like you said, we see so many people that don't love each other that get to see one another every day. And here we are battling to just get another chance to spend time, to bathe in the feeling of clarity and greatness that we bring to each other...
I feel sick, desperate, anxious to grab whoever controls life by the balls and rip them out. What more can we possibly do to be with each other in peace? How can true love ever exist in a world full of hate, obstacles, and sadness.
I just wish your parents could understand you, just once try and listen to you, I always told you that I felt suspicious of their reaction towards me. I have that sense, most people do, I was trying to be happy, trying to be blind to that feeling that they are still going to be the same. It amazes me how must distrust they have towards you, in their own daughter. They think of you as a child, who has no real idea of how the world is, and they think that you will learn in the vicinity of the house. They fill your head with all these things a wife must do, cook, clean, I don't need a slave I need the second half of my heart. If only I could see you without having to worry how long it will until the next time, if only that were possible now. That's why unfortunately I go to school with such distain, go to work with such disgust, it seems as if I have to do so many things I hate just so I can get to what I love. Life does not make any sense, I never understood why it always had to fill one with such hope and then destroy it just so we can learn. If I have learned anything about love, it wasn't from life, it was from you...

One day my love, one day I hope to take this weight off of my chest, one day the tears will run down my face for happiness, I just pray that day is soon, I hope someone up there is listening to us...J.M.T.

"So what did you do today?"....Nothing

Its been so long since I've been in this state of mind. I can't sleep tonight with the amount of thoughts circling around in my head.
Tonight I took a good look into my room, I took a look into myself, my head, my car, the way I take care of myself. Before I used to think, thank God I'm not like one of those bums who don't do a thing everyday. But damn look at what I'm doing now...I'm doing just that...as if I just snapped inside. I had a goal, I had this starvation for success, I felt the determination flowing through me. I cleaned my room once in a while, I paid attention to my thoughts, I read the newspaper trying to catch up on life itself. Yet I look at myself now, 20 pounds lighter, up at 4 am, sleeping in a landfill, without the slightest idea of what I'm doing to myself. Damn God did I let myself collapse? How could I go from doing what I've always wanted to do, to falling through the cracks. And to think that I had not realized all of this until just now...To think that I had ignored everything, my health, my school, my family, my mind. What did I just wake up from? What was it that helped me break through this bubble of a person that I have become? No I can't do this shit anymore, I can't expect to live a fulfilling life living this way. I feel like I've lost control of everything, and I can't do it anymore. I can't watch myself in the mirror and stare into the person looking back at me and see him crumble. It just goes to show you, even if you think you have everything you need, there are still things you still have no control of. What ever happened to me these past few months, I hope it never shows itself again...I just wish I knew how to control it...Maybe I never will, but at least I know I have people near me who give a shit about me, at least I know they will never let me fall, thank God for them, because who knows what I'd be doing now....probably nothing.

There were days when I thought that my mom did not exist. Days when people used to make fun of her and I had no intention of defending her. As young as I was, I still remember the days that you were yourself. The days I used to be sick, or me and you would be alone by ourselves. On this mother's day mom, I remember those times that I used to insult you, the days I used to think that you weren't there. The days that I did not understand what your mind had done to the beauty that is inside you. You are beautiful outside, but you had this kindness inside you that you used to bring out on all your good days. Its those days that hurt the most in my opinion, the days that you would try to talk to me, or say that you loved me and I would ignore you or push you away. Those days are over, and I hear you on the phone now, as humble as ever. I miss giving you a hug, I hate the fact that you missed important years of my life. But it has given us time to grow mom, for our thoughts and memories to all combine and explain what type of person you truly are. You told us so many things that were true even now, and we never listened. If I could only go back in time and apoligize for all those times that I pushed you away when I really needed you. You are far away now, but just knowing that you are safe and still thinking about us is what keeps me hoping that one day you can come back with us. Somehow I think things will be different this time around... Thank you for not forgetting about us mom, thank you for writing all those wonderful words that you have sent to us constantly, I hope to see you again soon, so you can see that I am eating :)

A morning of being fed up.

A new strange morning is being lifted. More people awake, off to do what billions have done for this country in the past. A new morning of worry as my hands tremble, my throat releases a motion so foul, my stomach turns and turns. My mind is tired yet once again I am thoughtful. Wondering what has taken hold of my body, wondering what is it that has grasped my insides with such tightness that it seems as if it will never let go. I still wonder why I have to feel this way, every day, fearing of the reality of living with it forever. Sometimes I wonder if I am nuts, if my mind is creating these illusions of illness, but yet they keep coming, stronger than ever, interfering with my life, causing me to break inside. I thought it would be gone by now, I thought my body would keep its word and release it from the pits of the hell it has brung me. I was fine God, I was fine for so long, why again? This isn't funny anymore, this isn't just something that is wrong anymore, there is more to this and that is what I fear. How can something such as this interfere with my way of life, my way of thinking, making me fearful of taking the last bite. I've asked you so many times before God, take it away, take away all of it, please I beg you. I've had it up to here, I can live this way anymore. Can none of us have a normal life? I have tried to be good, I have tried to learn, to keep myself down, and yet you keep pushing for me to drown. What good will come out of it? Why am I wasting my time talking about it? This seems like something so simple, something so clear, but I can't do it no more God, please no more, please I beg you once more.
I am on my way to work, just like everyone else, I need to make money, to pay for my bills, to get good credit so I can get a beautiful home, a dog, and 3 kids. I can't have this in the way of that dream, I feel so sick, every single day, for too long God for too long. I'm tired of the stares, I'm tired of people asking me if I'm ok, I just want it to fucking end, today. All the gagging, the vomiting, the shitting, what else can you fucking throw at me? What else do you have to take from me? My only love, my mother, and now my health? Why God, just stop, please stop, make it all go away, I'm sorry for all I've done wrong, I've tried my best, all I want to do is lead a normal life, with my family too. We are a good family God, we have all our faults, we have our mistakes, but look at us God, we are holding our heads up high, still praying to you in the sky. If you can't do it for me do it for my family, please something, anything, we need a damn break. Maybe that's what makes me sick, all of this going on and on, without anybody to help us. There is no way to cure a broken heart, there is no way to cure a lost mother, there is no way to cure an illness so stealthy.
I hope you have listened to our prayers God, that is all I ask in the long run.