Shigady- A phrase that came out of no where but reprensents a lot of feelings, just like the word "fuck". You can say, "awww shigady", or "this shigady sucks". Sort of in place with the word "shit", but with less noticable anger.
Tungka- A far less vulgar way of saying, "humping". Made by my friend and me by just saying stupid shigady words one day. I use this word quite often, as well as shigady, and so, should, you.
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
Monday, November 22, 2004
Monday *again*
Thank god this week I have a short week. Today I basically fell asleep in every class, I felt so tired for some reason, maybe I'm just tired of life. Switching back and forth in moods each day, dealing with my families issues at the moment and then feeling the joy of talking to my girl. It's tiring sometimes. Recently I've been day dreaming a lot more than usual. But at least it's easy to snap myself out of it, but sometimes I want to stay in my day dreams.
My dad looks awfully sad today, today he was just staring at me for a minute, I asked what's wrong, and he said nothing. I think my mother called him today, I know she still loves him, and even though he doesn't say so, I know he does too. The woman he's with right now seems to be cheating on him, she just keeps talking to this piece of shit online, I won't release his name but I know his screen name. If she plays around with this family, she'll have a lot of shit to deal with, no one messes with my family, I'm gonna send her straight to hell. But all I can do now, is smile at her, and act like nothing is happening, for now I have to be blind as the what's going on for the sake of happiness in the family. I know the rest of the family doesn't want to hear about it, so all I can do is keep my mouth shut. So many times I feel like punching that woman's face to get rid of that stupid smirk she gives me when I catch her talking to that asshole online. But I always restrain myself.
Well at least Thanksgiving is coming up, I know for a fact I have to keep the peace until then. The whole family is going to the Thanksgiving dinner, which means like 35 ppl and friends are gonna be there. And my sister is coming down from NY to spend the weekend with us. So all I have to do is wait for Thursday, and enjoy the short school week.
My dad looks awfully sad today, today he was just staring at me for a minute, I asked what's wrong, and he said nothing. I think my mother called him today, I know she still loves him, and even though he doesn't say so, I know he does too. The woman he's with right now seems to be cheating on him, she just keeps talking to this piece of shit online, I won't release his name but I know his screen name. If she plays around with this family, she'll have a lot of shit to deal with, no one messes with my family, I'm gonna send her straight to hell. But all I can do now, is smile at her, and act like nothing is happening, for now I have to be blind as the what's going on for the sake of happiness in the family. I know the rest of the family doesn't want to hear about it, so all I can do is keep my mouth shut. So many times I feel like punching that woman's face to get rid of that stupid smirk she gives me when I catch her talking to that asshole online. But I always restrain myself.
Well at least Thanksgiving is coming up, I know for a fact I have to keep the peace until then. The whole family is going to the Thanksgiving dinner, which means like 35 ppl and friends are gonna be there. And my sister is coming down from NY to spend the weekend with us. So all I have to do is wait for Thursday, and enjoy the short school week.
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Today
Today was good until last period today in school. I was writing "my world of joy" on the back of my essay while in class. The teacher came up to me and asked me what the heck I thought I was doing, I said I was obviously writing, and then she picks up the paper and rips it. By then I was so pissed off, but all I did was say "whatever" and left it alone. Then I started writing "fail to cease" on another peace of paper, and then she yelled at me and told me to go to the principal's office. So I got my stuff, and before I closed the door, I said loudly and prudly "suck my cock". By then her face got red, and she said "oh my god, that's it! I'm giving you a refferal!" . The principal didn't do anything to me, he just reminded me that the refferal was going to go home and he kept me in the office for the rest of the day.
But fortunately I was able to piece together the paper, so below are the poems that I wrote today, "my world of joy" is the one she ripped, and "fail to cease" is after she ripped it.
But fortunately I was able to piece together the paper, so below are the poems that I wrote today, "my world of joy" is the one she ripped, and "fail to cease" is after she ripped it.
Fail to cease
They try so hard to stop me, but they can't. These thoughts will never cease, my hand will not quit expressing my thoughts with ink. The thoughts tha I think about you will never end, only until my life ends will they stop, and even then the thoughts will still be alive in these poems that I write. I write for you now, life has always confused me, but now I write about the beauty you bring my mind whenever I think about you. So what can they do? They can't do it, they will never stop me from writing about how much I love you. Even if I wanted to block my mind from thinking about my love for you, I could not, it would pass the gates of my mind as if your love always ahd the key. But I must not worry, even though I sit here and my heart is dying to see once again, I know that the time will come, soon enough.
My world of joy
I filter out every word I hear, every movement I see, the voices only echo in my mind, and I go into deep thought. I think only of you, and forget about the work in front of me. I go back in reality time to time, but in the time I think, the only images I see are you. I put my head down and dwell in my own world, my world consists of just you and me, that world is thriving ever so greatly in my mind. My laughs and my smiles hide what I think about inside, they hide my feelings and thoughts so well, so I love them for that. Those who try to snap me out of my world will never know what I think, they don't care, and neither do I. All I care about is you, and how you cloud my mind so sweetly, you're the best distraction my mind has encountered. Usually my mind thinks of distractions as being a problem, but you're a joy to think of. The more I see you in my world, the more I long to stay in it, and I want it to be a reality. Every part of my body aches for your prescence next to me, I crave your eyes, I crave your kisses, your touch, all of these feelings come down at me at once, almost like pouring rain. But I forsee to thold you soon, even then I will love you more, as always. For now I am forced to hide them once again, I am forced to hold the feelings inside, and try not to let it show. So now I push all the thoughts back in, and wait to hear from you again.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Torn Apart
Well this blog is not that serious I just thought I would make a cool title, hehehe. Blah, weird week so far, some parts of it good, some parts bad. My best friend Jason is in my Halo 2 clan which I lead, along with my other best friend Jorge. Not too long ago Jason said he quit because he believed that Jorge was being arrogant, some other people said the same. I don't have Halo 2 yet, it's a long story but the point is I don't. N E wayz, Jason calls me and tells me that he will get me the game as long as I put him back into the clan. I made a deal with the devil and I said yes of course, but now that's kind of stirring a little troubled thinking from members.
And of course there is this thing with Jorge, everybody in my clan has a complaint about him, I don't know exactly he did but from the sound of it he didn't execute things fairly. But I'm not a person to judge something or someone if I don't know the full story, so I won't say anything about his leadership skills. Some members were about to leave the group but fortunately after they heard that I would be arriving soon, they changed their minds and stayed the course. Hopefully everything will work out.
Today had to be the most boringst (dont know if that's a word) day of my life. In every single one of my classes I fell asleep, even in Adv. PE (where the most activities should happen). One of my newer friends Mohammad almost kicked this fat guys ass. This fat guy is called Chris, the one I talked about earlier. Chris has basically annoyed the hell out of everybody on the bus, and I bet most people want to kick his ass until he shuts the hell up. But he annoyed Mohammad too far, and Moh just let him have a little bitch slap on the cheek. It seemed to me that a little fight was about to start, but Chris backed down, because he's a little wuss. Other than that today was boring.
Same with Monday, not much happened, just played some soccer, and finally I have mobile to mobile minutes with the people I talk to the most. Well that's all for now, and I hope to post the rest of my poems soon, maybe even tonight if I don't get extremely tired. So that's all for now, and by the way I love you baby! good night.
And of course there is this thing with Jorge, everybody in my clan has a complaint about him, I don't know exactly he did but from the sound of it he didn't execute things fairly. But I'm not a person to judge something or someone if I don't know the full story, so I won't say anything about his leadership skills. Some members were about to leave the group but fortunately after they heard that I would be arriving soon, they changed their minds and stayed the course. Hopefully everything will work out.
Today had to be the most boringst (dont know if that's a word) day of my life. In every single one of my classes I fell asleep, even in Adv. PE (where the most activities should happen). One of my newer friends Mohammad almost kicked this fat guys ass. This fat guy is called Chris, the one I talked about earlier. Chris has basically annoyed the hell out of everybody on the bus, and I bet most people want to kick his ass until he shuts the hell up. But he annoyed Mohammad too far, and Moh just let him have a little bitch slap on the cheek. It seemed to me that a little fight was about to start, but Chris backed down, because he's a little wuss. Other than that today was boring.
Same with Monday, not much happened, just played some soccer, and finally I have mobile to mobile minutes with the people I talk to the most. Well that's all for now, and I hope to post the rest of my poems soon, maybe even tonight if I don't get extremely tired. So that's all for now, and by the way I love you baby! good night.
Sunday, November 14, 2004
Friday, November 12, 2004
NY TO VA
Wow is all I have to say about today. The pep rally that I had today was actually the best I've had since my first one in my other school. I actually got into it, I almost lost my voice, but I drank alot of water, lol. So finally the weekend has finally arrived, no more damn homework till sunday. Almost turkey day, mmmmmmmmmm, god I can't wait. My sister up in NY is coming down for the whole Thanksgiving weekend, it feels like I haven't seen her in so long. I remember how every weekend me and her used to hang out, I remember how much she loved me, almost like I was her son. Same with my other sister, both of them loved me so much, sometimes I miss them alot. Even though my sister that lives here in VA is near, I barely see her, but we are planning to see each other more often. I miss all the stuff we used to do together, I loved every second of it, but what can I do? They have to move on with their lives, they have to grow along with their families. Both of them are married, both have kids, although the one in NY has 2 girls. So I'm happy for them, I'm so proud of them for accomplishing what they have done even though they fucked up badly in school. So even though I don't see them as often I'm thankful I get to see them at all. *sigh, how could I not also miss my favorite girl of all? If she reads this she knows who I'm talking about, I love you, I miss you, and I hope to see you soon. So another day passes and another wave of thoughts goes through my head, just wait for more entries, and don't forget about the poems I published, PEACE OUT BIZACTHES!!!
Morning time
*Sigh...Well I found my whole notebook full of poems and shigady. I'm not sure if I'm going to put them all here, but I know I'm going to put most of them here. I woke up pretty good this morning, but it still takes me a while to fully wake up. My dad is still sleeping, he told me not to wake him up this morning, but he hasn't given me my lunch money yet, so I don't know what the hell to do. Oh well, I guess it's diet time today, lol. Today I have a pep rally at school, THANK GOD! Finally a little break from math, and I actually started doing my homework again, but I think I hurt my brain, lol. Well I'm going to get ready and hopefully today will be a good one, PEACE OUT BIZACTHES!!
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Here is something I just wrote the past few minutes. And PLEASE, don't forget to check out my blog entry of>The poems of unfinished thoughts, and poems of unfinished thoughts continued.
THE TIMES FLY
The times fly, and the world changes at a pace that no one can keep up with. I look at all the things that I have thought all the things that I have felt, and I ask myself why I had thought or felt them at one point in my life. So here I go again, writing about life, writing about what I think, writing about the things that I feel. Nothing will help control this process in which my mind flows, the amount of thought that passes by my mind at every second. My mind is bombarded by thoughts, by memories of bad, memories of the good things that life has brought me. Everything anyone does is observed closely by me, I think about all the things no one would want to, I think about things that I don’t want to think about. Flashes of the future, flashes of the past, all come together to create the present on which I’m living in now. I look at my life now, I found love, I found happiness, I found my family once again, no more fights, no more treacherous nights of the bad memories. I can only see progress, I can only view the future to be good, I only see what I want to see, other then that I would not be happy. So as I’m playing this wonderful game of life, I try to think about each move I do, each step I take, and try not to make a mistake. One day I will realize how much experience I have gained, how much life has taught me about myself, and how life is so short. I sit here, waiting for time to pass, for the future to come, waiting for it to teach me, teach me the things I need to live. So the question I have now is, what do I want to know about the future? And my answer would be, nothing, absolutely nothing. Suprises intrigue me; I want life to happen unexpectedly. And here life goes again, teaching me something about myself that I haven’t known. Without even thinking it, without even expecting it, life has taught me something, something useful for not only me, but for someone else.
When I die I plan to know what life has taught me all along. I plan to figure out the final move of the game, the final puzzle that will make my life end. Here I go again though, talking about thoughts, and ending with dreams, the process, like I’ve said, will never end. My mind will boil with questions, struggle with thoughts, and tease my answers until I have finally reached the end of the game. What will the prize be? What will the prize be for figuring out the puzzle of life? Who knows, I certainly don’t, and I do not plan to find out anytime soon. All I can do is wait, just take my time, each step, each thought, taken slowly, taken patiently, until the day that I end the game, and finish my turn.
THE TIMES FLY
The times fly, and the world changes at a pace that no one can keep up with. I look at all the things that I have thought all the things that I have felt, and I ask myself why I had thought or felt them at one point in my life. So here I go again, writing about life, writing about what I think, writing about the things that I feel. Nothing will help control this process in which my mind flows, the amount of thought that passes by my mind at every second. My mind is bombarded by thoughts, by memories of bad, memories of the good things that life has brought me. Everything anyone does is observed closely by me, I think about all the things no one would want to, I think about things that I don’t want to think about. Flashes of the future, flashes of the past, all come together to create the present on which I’m living in now. I look at my life now, I found love, I found happiness, I found my family once again, no more fights, no more treacherous nights of the bad memories. I can only see progress, I can only view the future to be good, I only see what I want to see, other then that I would not be happy. So as I’m playing this wonderful game of life, I try to think about each move I do, each step I take, and try not to make a mistake. One day I will realize how much experience I have gained, how much life has taught me about myself, and how life is so short. I sit here, waiting for time to pass, for the future to come, waiting for it to teach me, teach me the things I need to live. So the question I have now is, what do I want to know about the future? And my answer would be, nothing, absolutely nothing. Suprises intrigue me; I want life to happen unexpectedly. And here life goes again, teaching me something about myself that I haven’t known. Without even thinking it, without even expecting it, life has taught me something, something useful for not only me, but for someone else.
When I die I plan to know what life has taught me all along. I plan to figure out the final move of the game, the final puzzle that will make my life end. Here I go again though, talking about thoughts, and ending with dreams, the process, like I’ve said, will never end. My mind will boil with questions, struggle with thoughts, and tease my answers until I have finally reached the end of the game. What will the prize be? What will the prize be for figuring out the puzzle of life? Who knows, I certainly don’t, and I do not plan to find out anytime soon. All I can do is wait, just take my time, each step, each thought, taken slowly, taken patiently, until the day that I end the game, and finish my turn.
poems of unfinished thoughts>>Continued>>
DREAMS OF FEAR
Date: Unknown>>>this poem really affected a few years ago. I felt so unproud of myself at one point. But now it's all better<<<
My dreams have made me realize my fears, the fears that have been bothering me for quite some time. Though to me, these dreams are not dreams at all, but more like nightmares. These nightmares crawl deep into my mind, picking out the very things that I despise having to realize. I realized that I could do nothing to protect those that I love, this would have to be the most realistic fear in my mind. What good am I to a person I love if I know deep inside me that I can do nothing to protect them? What is that nightmare supposed to mean?
This morning came at a horrible realization, the images of this nightmare flash in my mind, what can I do? Not everyone can protect his or her loved ones, but this nightmare made it as if I’m defenseless to even harm another. My worrying will continue, I do not think that this will be the last of these dreams, for they have just begun. Is this supposed to make me realize something else? This is a fear that has been in my mind for some time, yet the thought of it has never occurred to me until recently. As I wonder about this nightmare, I wonder about the other things that bother me, but I haven’t realized yet. Why do these dreams seem so realistic? It seems as though I dream about the future, but in this case, I am hoping not.
This feeling of not being able to do something kills my inner soul, why has this dream affected me so much? Why haven’t other dreams that I have experienced affected as this has? Dreams, some good, some bad, no one can figure out the meaning of dreams. What are they? Are they views of a world that we lived in? Is this life one big dream? What if when we die, we wake up to another world, and realize that this whole time, we have been dreaming? Some dreams predict the future, some dreams tell us, or remind us of our deepest secrets, and some dreams seem to have absolutely nothing to do with our current lives. Our minds seem to have a boost in imagination during the times we dream. I do not think that mankind can ever figure out the true meaning to dreams.
This current dream has been recorded in my memory, it is stuck there, forever in my mind, as well as some other ones that have caused me great thinking. Why am I afraid of the future? These dreams seem to mix my thinking, like my mind has been stirring all my thoughts together and finally putting them in one realistic story. Some stories have scared me, some are too real, how can your mind do such a thing? How can your mind be capable of creating such a thing like dreams? Which brings me to think about the capabilities of our minds. Why do we only use a few percent of our mind? So much has to be learned about our minds, for now, one can only dream, and hope that our dreams will all make sense, sooner or later.
Date: Unknown>>>this poem really affected a few years ago. I felt so unproud of myself at one point. But now it's all better<<<
My dreams have made me realize my fears, the fears that have been bothering me for quite some time. Though to me, these dreams are not dreams at all, but more like nightmares. These nightmares crawl deep into my mind, picking out the very things that I despise having to realize. I realized that I could do nothing to protect those that I love, this would have to be the most realistic fear in my mind. What good am I to a person I love if I know deep inside me that I can do nothing to protect them? What is that nightmare supposed to mean?
This morning came at a horrible realization, the images of this nightmare flash in my mind, what can I do? Not everyone can protect his or her loved ones, but this nightmare made it as if I’m defenseless to even harm another. My worrying will continue, I do not think that this will be the last of these dreams, for they have just begun. Is this supposed to make me realize something else? This is a fear that has been in my mind for some time, yet the thought of it has never occurred to me until recently. As I wonder about this nightmare, I wonder about the other things that bother me, but I haven’t realized yet. Why do these dreams seem so realistic? It seems as though I dream about the future, but in this case, I am hoping not.
This feeling of not being able to do something kills my inner soul, why has this dream affected me so much? Why haven’t other dreams that I have experienced affected as this has? Dreams, some good, some bad, no one can figure out the meaning of dreams. What are they? Are they views of a world that we lived in? Is this life one big dream? What if when we die, we wake up to another world, and realize that this whole time, we have been dreaming? Some dreams predict the future, some dreams tell us, or remind us of our deepest secrets, and some dreams seem to have absolutely nothing to do with our current lives. Our minds seem to have a boost in imagination during the times we dream. I do not think that mankind can ever figure out the true meaning to dreams.
This current dream has been recorded in my memory, it is stuck there, forever in my mind, as well as some other ones that have caused me great thinking. Why am I afraid of the future? These dreams seem to mix my thinking, like my mind has been stirring all my thoughts together and finally putting them in one realistic story. Some stories have scared me, some are too real, how can your mind do such a thing? How can your mind be capable of creating such a thing like dreams? Which brings me to think about the capabilities of our minds. Why do we only use a few percent of our mind? So much has to be learned about our minds, for now, one can only dream, and hope that our dreams will all make sense, sooner or later.
The poems of unfinished thoughts
Here are some poems that I have never finished, I don't even know the dates on some of these but I know most of them are from when I was 13, which is 3 years ago. I don't even care if I didn't like them I just need to bring them out after not touching them for so long. In some of these I'm confused as hell, and I think most of them are like that. I won't write all of them in one day so I'm going to do these in a few day period.
IMAGES OF ANOTHER
Date: Unknown
Not knowing what to write
My thoughts and feelings are in fright
My jealousy clouds my mind like a room without a light
For so long my feelings have been great for you
But now you leave me thinking without any clue
I have never seen this person I see now inside me
This green monster filled with jealousy
Images of you with another come to pass
I wish for you and me to last
Why should I wait
I don’t want to build the hate...
THE THOUGHTS RUSH OUT
Date: Not too long ago
My thoughts rush out all at once, my feelings dwell deep in them. Every thought contains the feelings that I have felt for you. We seem to be getting closer, day by day, minute by minute. Nothing seems to be breaking it, nothing seems to be stopping it. Such a mistake it would have been if I hadn’t taken you back. The future seems to be unrealistic without you being with me. Such memories of each other, such time we have spent getting closer. Our distance from each other taunts us relentlessly, yet we always seem to manage it. I have never been loved so much by one person, I have never such torment from not seeing one person. I make no mistake in my words when I say those three words, I love you...
WHY SHOULD I WAIT?
Date: Unknown (I don't even remember doing this one)
I don’t attempt to push my patience, only then do things get to me. Why am I getting prevented from doing so many things that I want to do? Why must at least one thing be against me? So many chances, so many wishes left ungranted. I wait for it, I wait for things to go wrong, I expect so often, I always know about it’s existence in the back of my head. My mind is tired, tired of the bad things in life, tired of the things that go wrong in life. I’m tired of making myself feel like a fool, I’m tired of not knowing many things, I’m sick of making mistakes. But even though I loathe them, I know that I can only grow up if I experience them. I don’t find many lessons in any of the situations, I don’t see the point. How will I learn if I don’t want to? I don’t want to learn about how much life sucks or doesn't. Life is so great, life is so unpredictable, life is the greatest game in the world. Yet one mistake too many, and you lose life altogether. As I grow, I find more answers, as I grow I find more questions. No one can answer as many questions as I can ask, the questions and answers I get are like an unpayable debt.
THE GOOD AND BAD
Date: August of this year (I don't know what the hell I was thinking when I wrote this one)
I rest my case, life is confusing. It seems that there is always more bad then good in this life, disappointing, but true. I came to realize that it is so easy to be pulled in to bad things, and that every good thing is so hard to achieve. Some people get the easy way out in life, even though it’s easy it’s never a good choice. You have to work hard to do well in life, yet one little decision can ruin it for you. The path to being good seems so hard to follow, only few accomplish this task of what is meant to be good. If everybody in this world believed that they would go to hell if they didn’t follow one of the commandments then Hell would be quite packed. It used to be that following the path to heaven was a daily practice, an everyday thing, what has happened?
UNCOVERING MEMORIES
Date: August, 8th, 2004.>>>Well After I read this writing that I did, I realized how confused I was back in August. I realized that I have grown up so much in only months, and that I have come back to my senses soon. I actually promised myself that I wouldn't show this writing for a while, but this writing is not that great, so it doesn't deserve a secret hiding from anyone.<<<
Here we go again, the confusion never ends, and my judgement depends on your assumption of me. Once again it happened, once again you will take over my mind. How could you have kept it a secret all this time? What must I do now? What can I do? If I only I knew what to do, I would either have you beside me, or far away from me. I have demolished my feelings for you, and here you come back, it seems, to ask for me to rebuild them once again. Should I gather what is left of my feelings for you? The only thing that can bring them back is my weak mind, my inexperienced weakness for you. Will this be a mistake? I have pursued you once, only to be met with a lesser feeling for you. I felt the crumbling of my innocence, I felt the disappointment threw out my body, rush over me like my blood vessels carried every inch of it in my system. How could I do this again? I have asked for another chance to be with somebody, several times, but I did not expect this chance to take place with a known person that my mind has previously filtered out. What will happen…? Should it happen, is the real question in my mind, my mind feels as if I am unprepared to take the challenges of a true relationship. I vowed never to return to those that I have forgotten, should you be an exception?
True, you still are the same person I have seen for the long time that I have known you. Is it enough? Now the times have changed in which you have previously brought this thought to my attention. You have experienced this feeling with another, should I be truly devoted to you? You still confuse me, you have not made it clear enough for me, but even if you did, my mind is not clear, waiting to know what I should do. Will I be good enough for you? Do I truly know the answer to that? Do you? You have not carried your image in my mind for quite a while, should I expect that to be good for a true relationship? Why, why do you ask when I am at my worst moment, when I have almost forgotten my feelings for you. Should I believe that you still feel the same way for me? You have been with another, why should I believe you have felt for me this whole time? You have brought back memories in which I truly thought I have abolished from my mind and heart. It seems that it is a mix of joy and resentment of my part, but a feeling of mistake on yours. Do you feel as though you have made a mistake much earlier?
I have been arguing with my mind for months, only labeling you as a friend, should I now break the argument and label you as much more? Why does my mind and heart question such a glorious feeling?
This cannot be a good sign, nor can this be a bad sign, I must pick out the meaning to these feelings at once. Congratulations, you have once again, confused my mind and heart to death. The slow thinking process will continue, it will help me determine my answer, but the thing that really confuses me is, What is your question? Hopefully this does not turn out to be a great deal of misunderstandings, a yearning for you my heart has always desired and simply viewed one thing as something my heart would have loved. Thank you, once again I am filled with thought, desire, want, and sometimes confusion. Misunderstandings I will not tolerate once again, this shall be the last time, if it is. The thinking will go on…
Cruel this timing is, it seems that my heart has once again opened the chapter in which you were hidden. That chapter finished abruptly, should we pick up where we left off? The time will come when it will be time for me to make a decision, but scared am I; I am scared that this is all but a misunderstanding, a problem that I have encountered throughout my life. I feel it once again, I feel the feeling of like, the feeling of wanting you once again, and you have arisen such a feeling, I thought this feeling for you was gone.
So now you have done it, once again you follow my mind as a shadow, stalking my thoughts from your hiding place in my heart. I shall not speak of this, these thoughts of me and you shall be kept forever in this writing, as though this writing had a soul in which the only way you could uncover it, is when it dies. Do not toy with a weak boy’s heart, my heart has been damaged before, the pain that I undertook was unable to be repaired, if you should once more damage it, my pain will arise again, I cannot handle another damaging blow to my heart. I shall make a decision, a decision in which I am unclear about, a decision of an unclear thought. For now, I will leave my thoughts extinct, though they will always be at the back of my mind, waiting to ambush my mind, this process will not stop, but I shall try.
IMAGES OF ANOTHER
Date: Unknown
Not knowing what to write
My thoughts and feelings are in fright
My jealousy clouds my mind like a room without a light
For so long my feelings have been great for you
But now you leave me thinking without any clue
I have never seen this person I see now inside me
This green monster filled with jealousy
Images of you with another come to pass
I wish for you and me to last
Why should I wait
I don’t want to build the hate...
THE THOUGHTS RUSH OUT
Date: Not too long ago
My thoughts rush out all at once, my feelings dwell deep in them. Every thought contains the feelings that I have felt for you. We seem to be getting closer, day by day, minute by minute. Nothing seems to be breaking it, nothing seems to be stopping it. Such a mistake it would have been if I hadn’t taken you back. The future seems to be unrealistic without you being with me. Such memories of each other, such time we have spent getting closer. Our distance from each other taunts us relentlessly, yet we always seem to manage it. I have never been loved so much by one person, I have never such torment from not seeing one person. I make no mistake in my words when I say those three words, I love you...
WHY SHOULD I WAIT?
Date: Unknown (I don't even remember doing this one)
I don’t attempt to push my patience, only then do things get to me. Why am I getting prevented from doing so many things that I want to do? Why must at least one thing be against me? So many chances, so many wishes left ungranted. I wait for it, I wait for things to go wrong, I expect so often, I always know about it’s existence in the back of my head. My mind is tired, tired of the bad things in life, tired of the things that go wrong in life. I’m tired of making myself feel like a fool, I’m tired of not knowing many things, I’m sick of making mistakes. But even though I loathe them, I know that I can only grow up if I experience them. I don’t find many lessons in any of the situations, I don’t see the point. How will I learn if I don’t want to? I don’t want to learn about how much life sucks or doesn't. Life is so great, life is so unpredictable, life is the greatest game in the world. Yet one mistake too many, and you lose life altogether. As I grow, I find more answers, as I grow I find more questions. No one can answer as many questions as I can ask, the questions and answers I get are like an unpayable debt.
THE GOOD AND BAD
Date: August of this year (I don't know what the hell I was thinking when I wrote this one)
I rest my case, life is confusing. It seems that there is always more bad then good in this life, disappointing, but true. I came to realize that it is so easy to be pulled in to bad things, and that every good thing is so hard to achieve. Some people get the easy way out in life, even though it’s easy it’s never a good choice. You have to work hard to do well in life, yet one little decision can ruin it for you. The path to being good seems so hard to follow, only few accomplish this task of what is meant to be good. If everybody in this world believed that they would go to hell if they didn’t follow one of the commandments then Hell would be quite packed. It used to be that following the path to heaven was a daily practice, an everyday thing, what has happened?
UNCOVERING MEMORIES
Date: August, 8th, 2004.>>>Well After I read this writing that I did, I realized how confused I was back in August. I realized that I have grown up so much in only months, and that I have come back to my senses soon. I actually promised myself that I wouldn't show this writing for a while, but this writing is not that great, so it doesn't deserve a secret hiding from anyone.<<<
Here we go again, the confusion never ends, and my judgement depends on your assumption of me. Once again it happened, once again you will take over my mind. How could you have kept it a secret all this time? What must I do now? What can I do? If I only I knew what to do, I would either have you beside me, or far away from me. I have demolished my feelings for you, and here you come back, it seems, to ask for me to rebuild them once again. Should I gather what is left of my feelings for you? The only thing that can bring them back is my weak mind, my inexperienced weakness for you. Will this be a mistake? I have pursued you once, only to be met with a lesser feeling for you. I felt the crumbling of my innocence, I felt the disappointment threw out my body, rush over me like my blood vessels carried every inch of it in my system. How could I do this again? I have asked for another chance to be with somebody, several times, but I did not expect this chance to take place with a known person that my mind has previously filtered out. What will happen…? Should it happen, is the real question in my mind, my mind feels as if I am unprepared to take the challenges of a true relationship. I vowed never to return to those that I have forgotten, should you be an exception?
True, you still are the same person I have seen for the long time that I have known you. Is it enough? Now the times have changed in which you have previously brought this thought to my attention. You have experienced this feeling with another, should I be truly devoted to you? You still confuse me, you have not made it clear enough for me, but even if you did, my mind is not clear, waiting to know what I should do. Will I be good enough for you? Do I truly know the answer to that? Do you? You have not carried your image in my mind for quite a while, should I expect that to be good for a true relationship? Why, why do you ask when I am at my worst moment, when I have almost forgotten my feelings for you. Should I believe that you still feel the same way for me? You have been with another, why should I believe you have felt for me this whole time? You have brought back memories in which I truly thought I have abolished from my mind and heart. It seems that it is a mix of joy and resentment of my part, but a feeling of mistake on yours. Do you feel as though you have made a mistake much earlier?
I have been arguing with my mind for months, only labeling you as a friend, should I now break the argument and label you as much more? Why does my mind and heart question such a glorious feeling?
This cannot be a good sign, nor can this be a bad sign, I must pick out the meaning to these feelings at once. Congratulations, you have once again, confused my mind and heart to death. The slow thinking process will continue, it will help me determine my answer, but the thing that really confuses me is, What is your question? Hopefully this does not turn out to be a great deal of misunderstandings, a yearning for you my heart has always desired and simply viewed one thing as something my heart would have loved. Thank you, once again I am filled with thought, desire, want, and sometimes confusion. Misunderstandings I will not tolerate once again, this shall be the last time, if it is. The thinking will go on…
Cruel this timing is, it seems that my heart has once again opened the chapter in which you were hidden. That chapter finished abruptly, should we pick up where we left off? The time will come when it will be time for me to make a decision, but scared am I; I am scared that this is all but a misunderstanding, a problem that I have encountered throughout my life. I feel it once again, I feel the feeling of like, the feeling of wanting you once again, and you have arisen such a feeling, I thought this feeling for you was gone.
So now you have done it, once again you follow my mind as a shadow, stalking my thoughts from your hiding place in my heart. I shall not speak of this, these thoughts of me and you shall be kept forever in this writing, as though this writing had a soul in which the only way you could uncover it, is when it dies. Do not toy with a weak boy’s heart, my heart has been damaged before, the pain that I undertook was unable to be repaired, if you should once more damage it, my pain will arise again, I cannot handle another damaging blow to my heart. I shall make a decision, a decision in which I am unclear about, a decision of an unclear thought. For now, I will leave my thoughts extinct, though they will always be at the back of my mind, waiting to ambush my mind, this process will not stop, but I shall try.
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Tuesday
So another day passes by. Today was actually a pretty good day considering the weekend wasn't too great. More friends that I don't like, there are 2 guys named Chris that I don't like. One of them is Chris M., sure he's nice and he's funny, but only when he's sober. Yesterday the fagget was so drunk he didn't know that he was actually eating lead out of his mechanical pencil. Then there is this fat fuck named Chris who loves to annoy the hell out of me. He rides my bus and starts messing with me, one time I punched him in his gut and it shut him up for a good month. But now he's annoying the hell out of everybody on the bus, and so many people want to kick his ass it's not even funny. I can tell he's a type of friend that can get you into trouble, so I don't plan on making good friends with him anytime soon.
I played basketball today with Eric, Johnny, and Mohammad. I accidently kicked Eric in his fingers when I was kicking the ball, and it left his whole hand num, hahaha. Then Mohammad had a cold from hell, and he looked like the chupacabra got to him. And Johnny just plain sucked today, basically we all sucked today. There was also this girl named Kelly who was hugging everybody in History class today, I think she was a little bonkers today too. She came up to me and asked why I always sleep in class, and I told her "because I feel like it", and she just smiled and laughed, >>>WEIRD.
I want to play soccer so badly this year, but I can't. My grades are probably the worst I have ever gotten in my life, and I need to focus on that. Mr. Smith, the coach for the team, told me that I have lots of potential for the team but I he doesn't want to see me fail, and I can't join the team with failing grades anyway.
I have nothing to look forward to in school anymore. The only class I like is programming, other then I hate each and every class. I can't seem to like school for some reason, no matter what I never feel like going. But I know that this is my job right now, so I'm gonna try to make the best of it.
I played basketball today with Eric, Johnny, and Mohammad. I accidently kicked Eric in his fingers when I was kicking the ball, and it left his whole hand num, hahaha. Then Mohammad had a cold from hell, and he looked like the chupacabra got to him. And Johnny just plain sucked today, basically we all sucked today. There was also this girl named Kelly who was hugging everybody in History class today, I think she was a little bonkers today too. She came up to me and asked why I always sleep in class, and I told her "because I feel like it", and she just smiled and laughed, >>>WEIRD.
I want to play soccer so badly this year, but I can't. My grades are probably the worst I have ever gotten in my life, and I need to focus on that. Mr. Smith, the coach for the team, told me that I have lots of potential for the team but I he doesn't want to see me fail, and I can't join the team with failing grades anyway.
I have nothing to look forward to in school anymore. The only class I like is programming, other then I hate each and every class. I can't seem to like school for some reason, no matter what I never feel like going. But I know that this is my job right now, so I'm gonna try to make the best of it.
Monday, November 08, 2004
No More Doubts
Well this is a little something I wrote in class today. I wrote this for alot of reasons, my first reason is because I had a really good day today. My second reason, I was extremely bored, lol. And my third reason, because I finally came to my senses and trying to lose some steam. Now this is something I wrote that I'm not exactly proud of, but I don't care, I feel that even though I didn't use really big words, it still expresses my thoughts somewhat. This will also be the last time I attempt to do rhyming poetry, and once you read this you'll know why, lol. I'm more of a free verser, so here it is.
NO MORE DOUBTS
Despite what I might consider troubling, I feel my heart bubbling. I extend my hopes to you, I feel like everything is so true. It feels as if I have your image with me all the time, I question the words I rhyme, they don't do my thoughts justice.
Is it fate? I've had time to contemplate, Yes, is is the answer I generate. I've grown so much, you give my life support as if you were a crutch.
I feel the need for you here, with you near, I have nothing to fear, my future is so clear, I miss you so much it almost makes me tear.
No more doubts anymore, I long to have that sunset near the shore, I love you so much more, then anything I've known before, you touch my heart all the way to it's core, your everything my heart has been looking for.
No more wondering about how I found love so fast, I know for a fact, that you will be my last.
***So here comes the end of rhyming poetry gone crazy, no more rhymes for me I'm too lazy,
JMT, E.N.D.
P.S.>JMT are my intials
NO MORE DOUBTS
Despite what I might consider troubling, I feel my heart bubbling. I extend my hopes to you, I feel like everything is so true. It feels as if I have your image with me all the time, I question the words I rhyme, they don't do my thoughts justice.
Is it fate? I've had time to contemplate, Yes, is is the answer I generate. I've grown so much, you give my life support as if you were a crutch.
I feel the need for you here, with you near, I have nothing to fear, my future is so clear, I miss you so much it almost makes me tear.
No more doubts anymore, I long to have that sunset near the shore, I love you so much more, then anything I've known before, you touch my heart all the way to it's core, your everything my heart has been looking for.
No more wondering about how I found love so fast, I know for a fact, that you will be my last.
***So here comes the end of rhyming poetry gone crazy, no more rhymes for me I'm too lazy,
JMT, E.N.D.
P.S.>JMT are my intials
Saturday, November 06, 2004
Wounds in his back
Here we go again, another friggin knife stuck in his back. All of my dad's life there has always been someone that has betrayed him somehow. No matter how much he tries to help someone they always seem to shove a knife in his back. And I think it's happened once again, once again it happens when he tries his best to help them. How could I have been so blind to not realize what was going on? Everyday she gave me a smile, everyday she gave me her love, how could I not see past her? Things were changing everyday, until finally my father asked her. One time I saw her, I saw her in the act, what was I supposed to say? What was I supposed to do? I know that most of you don't know what I'm talking about, but you should get some idea. It pisses me off that everyone seems to take advantage of my dad. He gives so much, and in return he doesn't get shit. He doesn't deserve her, he doesn't deserve any of this. Who knows what will happen, even though it's not for sure, I think I know what the outcome will be.
Friday, November 05, 2004
Zippity Do Da
Well what can I do now? My dad received my grades on the internet, and he wasn't pleased whatsoever. He took away a lot of my favorite games, and even attempted to take my xbox. Sometimes I ask myself if video games are truly the problem of me not doing my work. I try to do my homework, but when it comes down to doing it I get easily distracted. I know I have ADD but that shouldn't stop me from doing my work, as much as I would love to blame it on ADD I know I can do better. Is it because I'm lazy? No motivation? Sometimes I remind myself of a cheap commercial with all these questions but I'm not sure what's my problem. Hear I am typing about it, and I'm not doing it. I know that I hate school, and that I hate doing my work, but I know I must. I know all the material, it's just that I don't do any homework, and that's the only thing that's bringing my grades to hell. I've always wanted my family to be proud of me, but instead I anger them every time I show them my grades. My dad is who I'm most worried about, he's done so much for me and I feel like I've done so little for him, I want to return the favor but what I'm doing now is not working. In my whole life I've never studied for a test or a anything for that matter. I've never been on the honor roll, but I always seem to pass each grade. I'm a junior now, and my grades are crucial if I want to go to college. Even though I know this, I still manage to fuck off and do nothing about it. Somehow I have to pull up my grades, get in the habit of doing my work, and stick to it before this year ends in the crap hole.
Just yesterday some girl went up to me and asked me out, of course I said no because I already have a girlfriend. What really pisses me off is that my "friends" wanted me to leave my girl and go out with this girl that I don't even like. What do we mean when we call people our friends? Or best friends for that matter? Sure I talk to these people, and I enjoy their company, but when it comes to truly helping me in life, they are worth crap. I've always heard that there will only be at least one true friend in our whole lives. My sister for example, she thought she had a true friend. Him and my sister have known each other for more then 7 years, and now that my sister has a kid and she can't go out to party as much, her "best friend" basically disowns her. So I wonder sometimes what it means to be a true friend, or what a true friend is. Is it a person who has helped you no matter what? A person who has known you for so long and knows almost everything about you? Its unbelievable to think that there will only be at least one person in my life who is a true friend. So that means that everyone I have met or anyone that I have talked to is completely meaningless, lol. Well what ever, I'll see ya guys tomorrow, PEACE OUT.
Just yesterday some girl went up to me and asked me out, of course I said no because I already have a girlfriend. What really pisses me off is that my "friends" wanted me to leave my girl and go out with this girl that I don't even like. What do we mean when we call people our friends? Or best friends for that matter? Sure I talk to these people, and I enjoy their company, but when it comes to truly helping me in life, they are worth crap. I've always heard that there will only be at least one true friend in our whole lives. My sister for example, she thought she had a true friend. Him and my sister have known each other for more then 7 years, and now that my sister has a kid and she can't go out to party as much, her "best friend" basically disowns her. So I wonder sometimes what it means to be a true friend, or what a true friend is. Is it a person who has helped you no matter what? A person who has known you for so long and knows almost everything about you? Its unbelievable to think that there will only be at least one person in my life who is a true friend. So that means that everyone I have met or anyone that I have talked to is completely meaningless, lol. Well what ever, I'll see ya guys tomorrow, PEACE OUT.
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Shigady
Well here I am now, thinking once again. So many things to think about yet so little time and such a limited amount of words I can put down. Always first in my mind is my baby. All day I can only think about her, and nothing else. Then I think about my family, so much has changed. Then I think about my school, the work gets harder.
Today I picked up a packet about careers, looking at all the careers I just couldn't choose one that I wanted to stick with. I ask myself how I'm supposed to decide so quickly if I like so many careers. So I sit here, thinking about what I want to do with my life and so many things come to mind, and to think that I must choose one is nuts. Anyways, enough about careers.
School is only ok at the moment, sure I got many friends, and sure I got some great teachers, but I just can't seem to like it. Every damn day I force myself to go to school, what the hell is the point I think to myself sometimes. But I know that not giving up will help me in the long run, all I have to do is put up with this crap for a couple more years and I'm set.
Even though I have so many thoughts running at once in my mind right now, all I can think about is my baby. I'm so happy because of her, everything seems to be so perfect with her next to me. No other girl can compare to her, every part of her is so special, and no one else has touched my heart like she has. So many fucking mistakes I've made in the past, but who hasn't? I've learned alot, I've become stronger each time, and finally I've found what I've been looking for. No use telling anybody else how much I love her, no one will take me seriously, so I just keep to myself with my feelings. Well for now I'm going to "sort out" my thoughts, so until tomorrow, good bye.
Today I picked up a packet about careers, looking at all the careers I just couldn't choose one that I wanted to stick with. I ask myself how I'm supposed to decide so quickly if I like so many careers. So I sit here, thinking about what I want to do with my life and so many things come to mind, and to think that I must choose one is nuts. Anyways, enough about careers.
School is only ok at the moment, sure I got many friends, and sure I got some great teachers, but I just can't seem to like it. Every damn day I force myself to go to school, what the hell is the point I think to myself sometimes. But I know that not giving up will help me in the long run, all I have to do is put up with this crap for a couple more years and I'm set.
Even though I have so many thoughts running at once in my mind right now, all I can think about is my baby. I'm so happy because of her, everything seems to be so perfect with her next to me. No other girl can compare to her, every part of her is so special, and no one else has touched my heart like she has. So many fucking mistakes I've made in the past, but who hasn't? I've learned alot, I've become stronger each time, and finally I've found what I've been looking for. No use telling anybody else how much I love her, no one will take me seriously, so I just keep to myself with my feelings. Well for now I'm going to "sort out" my thoughts, so until tomorrow, good bye.
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
The days ahead
Well after a somewhat crappy intro, I'm back. This site is so much better then Xanga in my opinion so I'm gonna use it like a normal Journal. I talked to my mother today (she lives in Bolivia) I haven't seen her in about 4 years. I guess you could say she's a little mental, but today I actually held a conversation with her. I have never experienced this type of a conversation with my mother, for once in my life I actually talked to her about things that are real. I finally felt like she was listening and responding to everything I had said. She was crying on the phone and all that good stuff, but I knew that she was acting normal. One day I hope to see her normal once again, I hope to visit her and accept her back into my life, as well as the lives of my family.
This year is almost over, I can't believe how fast this year went by. So much shit has happened this year, bad and good. So much has changed since the beginning of this millenium for me and my family. Our lives were so different not too long ago, I don't know how we managed to pull out of it, but we did. It just seems that bad shit seems to happen to us left and right, but I know that every family has shit to deal with so I just let it go. I think that one of the only good things that happened to me this year was Zulen. I love her so much it's not even possible to explain it, who would have imagined that I would have found love so early? So many people have told me that love is almost impossible at my age, that I should'nt confuse love with lust. But what if it was possible? I know that the feelings I have for her are more then lust, even more then love. She is so different from the other girls that I have been with, she is so real, I see it in her eyes. I wonder sometimes about what my family would think if I told them that I was in love. What would they say? For now I'll just wait till they take me seriously, that day will come soon, hopefully.
Today I broke my damn phone, I finally fixed it up with glue but I have to get a replacement for this piece of crap. At least I've saved enough $$$ to get a new one, if not then I would be screwed. N E wayz, I'll catch you guys tomorrow, BUSH OR KERRY???? *WHO WILL WIN???*
This year is almost over, I can't believe how fast this year went by. So much shit has happened this year, bad and good. So much has changed since the beginning of this millenium for me and my family. Our lives were so different not too long ago, I don't know how we managed to pull out of it, but we did. It just seems that bad shit seems to happen to us left and right, but I know that every family has shit to deal with so I just let it go. I think that one of the only good things that happened to me this year was Zulen. I love her so much it's not even possible to explain it, who would have imagined that I would have found love so early? So many people have told me that love is almost impossible at my age, that I should'nt confuse love with lust. But what if it was possible? I know that the feelings I have for her are more then lust, even more then love. She is so different from the other girls that I have been with, she is so real, I see it in her eyes. I wonder sometimes about what my family would think if I told them that I was in love. What would they say? For now I'll just wait till they take me seriously, that day will come soon, hopefully.
Today I broke my damn phone, I finally fixed it up with glue but I have to get a replacement for this piece of crap. At least I've saved enough $$$ to get a new one, if not then I would be screwed. N E wayz, I'll catch you guys tomorrow, BUSH OR KERRY???? *WHO WILL WIN???*
Monday, November 01, 2004
First Timer
Hello there ppl, well it's my first time using this website so I guess I'll introduce myself for the first time. Well first off my name is Mike or Jose whatever you want it to be, and I am 16 yrs old. I live in Virginia (east coast), and no I'm not a red neck, I live in the northern part of VA, where we have the 2nd most traffic in the U.S., next to LA of course. Now since this is my first entry I don't want to get to personal yet, but I'll get to the juicy stuff later. For now I just want to introduce the basics. So until next time, bye ppl.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)