Here are some poems that I have never finished, I don't even know the dates on some of these but I know most of them are from when I was 13, which is 3 years ago. I don't even care if I didn't like them I just need to bring them out after not touching them for so long. In some of these I'm confused as hell, and I think most of them are like that. I won't write all of them in one day so I'm going to do these in a few day period.
IMAGES OF ANOTHER
Date: Unknown
Not knowing what to write
My thoughts and feelings are in fright
My jealousy clouds my mind like a room without a light
For so long my feelings have been great for you
But now you leave me thinking without any clue
I have never seen this person I see now inside me
This green monster filled with jealousy
Images of you with another come to pass
I wish for you and me to last
Why should I wait
I don’t want to build the hate...
THE THOUGHTS RUSH OUT
Date: Not too long ago
My thoughts rush out all at once, my feelings dwell deep in them. Every thought contains the feelings that I have felt for you. We seem to be getting closer, day by day, minute by minute. Nothing seems to be breaking it, nothing seems to be stopping it. Such a mistake it would have been if I hadn’t taken you back. The future seems to be unrealistic without you being with me. Such memories of each other, such time we have spent getting closer. Our distance from each other taunts us relentlessly, yet we always seem to manage it. I have never been loved so much by one person, I have never such torment from not seeing one person. I make no mistake in my words when I say those three words, I love you...
WHY SHOULD I WAIT?
Date: Unknown (I don't even remember doing this one)
I don’t attempt to push my patience, only then do things get to me. Why am I getting prevented from doing so many things that I want to do? Why must at least one thing be against me? So many chances, so many wishes left ungranted. I wait for it, I wait for things to go wrong, I expect so often, I always know about it’s existence in the back of my head. My mind is tired, tired of the bad things in life, tired of the things that go wrong in life. I’m tired of making myself feel like a fool, I’m tired of not knowing many things, I’m sick of making mistakes. But even though I loathe them, I know that I can only grow up if I experience them. I don’t find many lessons in any of the situations, I don’t see the point. How will I learn if I don’t want to? I don’t want to learn about how much life sucks or doesn't. Life is so great, life is so unpredictable, life is the greatest game in the world. Yet one mistake too many, and you lose life altogether. As I grow, I find more answers, as I grow I find more questions. No one can answer as many questions as I can ask, the questions and answers I get are like an unpayable debt.
THE GOOD AND BAD
Date: August of this year (I don't know what the hell I was thinking when I wrote this one)
I rest my case, life is confusing. It seems that there is always more bad then good in this life, disappointing, but true. I came to realize that it is so easy to be pulled in to bad things, and that every good thing is so hard to achieve. Some people get the easy way out in life, even though it’s easy it’s never a good choice. You have to work hard to do well in life, yet one little decision can ruin it for you. The path to being good seems so hard to follow, only few accomplish this task of what is meant to be good. If everybody in this world believed that they would go to hell if they didn’t follow one of the commandments then Hell would be quite packed. It used to be that following the path to heaven was a daily practice, an everyday thing, what has happened?
UNCOVERING MEMORIES
Date: August, 8th, 2004.>>>Well After I read this writing that I did, I realized how confused I was back in August. I realized that I have grown up so much in only months, and that I have come back to my senses soon. I actually promised myself that I wouldn't show this writing for a while, but this writing is not that great, so it doesn't deserve a secret hiding from anyone.<<<
Here we go again, the confusion never ends, and my judgement depends on your assumption of me. Once again it happened, once again you will take over my mind. How could you have kept it a secret all this time? What must I do now? What can I do? If I only I knew what to do, I would either have you beside me, or far away from me. I have demolished my feelings for you, and here you come back, it seems, to ask for me to rebuild them once again. Should I gather what is left of my feelings for you? The only thing that can bring them back is my weak mind, my inexperienced weakness for you. Will this be a mistake? I have pursued you once, only to be met with a lesser feeling for you. I felt the crumbling of my innocence, I felt the disappointment threw out my body, rush over me like my blood vessels carried every inch of it in my system. How could I do this again? I have asked for another chance to be with somebody, several times, but I did not expect this chance to take place with a known person that my mind has previously filtered out. What will happen…? Should it happen, is the real question in my mind, my mind feels as if I am unprepared to take the challenges of a true relationship. I vowed never to return to those that I have forgotten, should you be an exception?
True, you still are the same person I have seen for the long time that I have known you. Is it enough? Now the times have changed in which you have previously brought this thought to my attention. You have experienced this feeling with another, should I be truly devoted to you? You still confuse me, you have not made it clear enough for me, but even if you did, my mind is not clear, waiting to know what I should do. Will I be good enough for you? Do I truly know the answer to that? Do you? You have not carried your image in my mind for quite a while, should I expect that to be good for a true relationship? Why, why do you ask when I am at my worst moment, when I have almost forgotten my feelings for you. Should I believe that you still feel the same way for me? You have been with another, why should I believe you have felt for me this whole time? You have brought back memories in which I truly thought I have abolished from my mind and heart. It seems that it is a mix of joy and resentment of my part, but a feeling of mistake on yours. Do you feel as though you have made a mistake much earlier?
I have been arguing with my mind for months, only labeling you as a friend, should I now break the argument and label you as much more? Why does my mind and heart question such a glorious feeling?
This cannot be a good sign, nor can this be a bad sign, I must pick out the meaning to these feelings at once. Congratulations, you have once again, confused my mind and heart to death. The slow thinking process will continue, it will help me determine my answer, but the thing that really confuses me is, What is your question? Hopefully this does not turn out to be a great deal of misunderstandings, a yearning for you my heart has always desired and simply viewed one thing as something my heart would have loved. Thank you, once again I am filled with thought, desire, want, and sometimes confusion. Misunderstandings I will not tolerate once again, this shall be the last time, if it is. The thinking will go on…
Cruel this timing is, it seems that my heart has once again opened the chapter in which you were hidden. That chapter finished abruptly, should we pick up where we left off? The time will come when it will be time for me to make a decision, but scared am I; I am scared that this is all but a misunderstanding, a problem that I have encountered throughout my life. I feel it once again, I feel the feeling of like, the feeling of wanting you once again, and you have arisen such a feeling, I thought this feeling for you was gone.
So now you have done it, once again you follow my mind as a shadow, stalking my thoughts from your hiding place in my heart. I shall not speak of this, these thoughts of me and you shall be kept forever in this writing, as though this writing had a soul in which the only way you could uncover it, is when it dies. Do not toy with a weak boy’s heart, my heart has been damaged before, the pain that I undertook was unable to be repaired, if you should once more damage it, my pain will arise again, I cannot handle another damaging blow to my heart. I shall make a decision, a decision in which I am unclear about, a decision of an unclear thought. For now, I will leave my thoughts extinct, though they will always be at the back of my mind, waiting to ambush my mind, this process will not stop, but I shall try.
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